A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months now. He is in the Marine Corp and is currently on a deployment. He and I knew each other from high school, and have been good friends for years before we started dating. He had dated a girl for maybe three months (if that) in his freshman year of high school (over 6 years ago). When he landed in his base in the US after his first deployment last summer, (about a month before him and I became an item) he called her and said he still loved her. She said she didn't have the same feelings for him.. she strictly loved him as a friend. I actually found this story out from a friend of mine.. my boyfriend hadn't told me this on his own. I asked him about it and he said he was going to tell me eventually and he also told me that he still does love her but he cares for me a lot too. He said he hadn't thought about her in the same light since him and I started dating and that I make him very happy.I found this out about a week or so after we started dating. In the beginning, a lot of my friends were trying to tell me that he was using me to get over her. I was pretty upset about it even though he kept reassuring me that he really cared about me. He used the word love wayyyy too early and kind of made me upset. After he went back to his base, things started to go downhill. He ended up wanting to take a break in early November. He came home for Christmas and apologized and said he made a huge mistake. I still really liked him and took him back. Things have been great since Christmas and I just saw him a month ago on his predeployment leave. My problem is, I can't stop thinking about this girl. He told me something that I didn't know in the summer.. she had told him after he and I got together that she always hoped they would end up together. She's currently in another relationship and swears she's really happy with him. The thing is, I'm really worried that he's going to come back from having 7 months to think about everything, and tell me he loves her still. That thought really scares me, especially since the possibility doesn't seem to be out of her head. He and I talked about this quite a bit before he left and he told me that just because it happened before doesn't mean it will happen this time. He tried to assure me several times that he loves me and even got a bit annoyed that I don't seem to believe him totally. He tells all his girl friends that he loves them. He used to tell me he loved me before we started dating too so I try not to think too much about that, but it's hard knowing he still says "I love you" to her, whether it be as a friend or not. I guess it kind of hurts more than anything. He knows it makes me upset but doesn't think he needs to stop saying it if it's true. His ex isn't the only the only friend he says I love you to. Should I trust that he'll come home still loving me or do I have a reason to be concerned?
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (21 April 2011):
My boyfriend of 5 months is also going away for 4 months and I worry about the same thing. I thought about breaking up with him "cold turkey" to protect myself and not be waiting for four months only to have him break up with me. But I have since decided to give it a try. That being said the second I get an indication he is messing around - he is done. I'll break up with him. My best girlfriend said to me "a woman always knows when a man is cheating". And it's true. If he seems distant on the phone, if he's evasive about his whereabouts, if he doesn't answer his phone late at night. Good luck and be strong. If he wants another "break", end it immediately.
A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (21 April 2011):
Honestly, one thing is being kind to others, but your boyfriend telling his girl friends "I love you" sounds like a bit of flirting. For him it's probably right but since it bothers you, it should be brought up and discussed.
Now, as regards the 7 month period that he could use to "think"... I agree with you. I don't know him personally, but he's taken a break already for a month. You should not agree to something like a break...since he is free to look for other girls while keeping you on hold like a puppy and making you waste your time.
I would be a bit concerned too. I would not be able to stand the 7 months away from him specially since he doesn't sound sure whether he wants you or the other girl. You need security from a guy and I think many men around the corner might be able to provide that in a loving relationship. He doesn't seem able to provide that security at all. Good luck
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