A
male
age
36-40,
*mac111
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We've had our ups and downs but I would consider it to be a great relationship. We spend most of our time together, we still do cutesy things, and we rarely argue about things.Her best friend married and moved to a different state about a year ago and she's had no friends to hang out. She's had a couple work friends and theyve only hung out at work. That is until she made this new friend who is male. And I don't know if I should be worried.Lately she'll text him quite a bit while she's at home and she's hung out with him twice without me but not once with me yet. I have met him and he seemed cool and I don't feel he's a threat. But the thought is still there. She's told me that she wants us all to be friends and we can all hang out. Which I would like but has yet to happen.When she is with him she'll text me maybe a few times an hour. Which I wonder about. Although she says that its nothing to worry about. This last time she was with him they were out late. She told me what all they did and it made sense. But I just wonder.There is one thing I'm concerned about. Last Saturday her best friend was in town and she was with her all day. Her friend doesn't like me because of some things that happened about 6 months ago and has told her to break up with me and get with this guy. Which my girlfriend ensures me that she wants no part of that. Anyways her friend talked her into going over to his place which she didn't tell me about. At a certain point I hadn't heard from my gf in about 3 hours so I began to worry. I got so worried that I decided to drive to this guys apartment. Which she told me previously where he lived but I didnt know the apartment number. I get there and her friends car is there (my gf doesn't drive) and I'm pissed. Then she texts me that her phone had died and she's at her friends parents house and she's staying the night. Which makes me even more mad. I tell her that she's lying to me and to come out. Since I didn't know his apartment number I just waited. After a while I still hadn't gotten a reply so I go home and go to sleep so I can stop thinking about it. I wake up to her messages saying she's so mad that I drove all over looking for her and that I'm being crazy. I tell her she's mad that I caught her and to get home. Initially she lies again saying she's not there so I tell her I have the license plate # from the car I thought was her friends and we'll compare and get it all straightened out. She then tells me that she did lie and she's really sorry and she's on her way home.When she gets home we talked about it and she told me that her friend had talked her into it and all they were doing was just hanging out and that I have nothing to worry about.I do believe her but I don't know if I'm just being naive.Her behavior is the same as it always has been and nothing has changed. There was just this one time.Anyways. I guess what I'm wondering is if I should trust her. Should I let them hang out? Should I tell her that we can all hang out together. I understand that two people of the opposite sex can be friends but what sort of boundaries should I set? What do I do?
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (9 April 2012):
 I have to agree with the last anonymous male poster.
The lying about it is already a red flag, and getting angry at you about it is another. She's trying to shift the focus off her actions and putting it on to you.
If she hasn't already slept with him, she's probably going to soon. A female in a relationship shouldn't be going to a single males house to just eat food and watch tv alone together. Wouldn't that be considered a date if they were both single and attracted to each other?
Out of respect for my boyfriend, I would never go to another males house alone. If I had male friends, I would hang out with them in a public setting, or we'd hang out at a group.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): I would give her an ultimatum at this point. Stay away from the guy, or she can be totally free to do whatever she wants (sans me). I think catching her at his house, plus the contemporaneous lie re where she was, is about as close as anyone can come to catching someone actually cheating. If she didn't sleep with him then, it sure looks like she's ramping up to do it soon.
Sorry...
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A
male
reader, dmac111 +, writes (6 April 2012):
dmac111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen they hang out they get something to eat and go watch a TV show. At least that's what she tells me.
So I've talked to her about it and told her I wasn't comfortable with them hanging out alone and if they wanted to hang out then they could do it here when I'm here or I'll go with her to his place. She got mad at me and insisted that I don't have anything to worry about. She said that I wouldn't do that with her female friends and that she feels like I'm imposing myself. She says that I never wanted her to go along with me to my friends. Which is true so I kinda feel like I'm expecting a double standard.
I don't know. I feel like I should and can trust her. And I should be supportive of her making friends. I really don't have reason to believe that she would cheat on me. I know the signs and she hasn't displayed anything to make me believe she's less than sincere to me. But I just don't know. I don't want to be naive.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 April 2012):
 well we've been known to have lunch during the work day...
or if working on my website we might be together without partners...
but just to hang out and do nothing... we would not be partner free....
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A
male
reader, dmac111 +, writes (6 April 2012):
dmac111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all; I'd like to thank everyone for their help. It seems to echo the answers that I receive from people I talk to about it in person.@so very confused,Do you hang out with these male friends alone? This guy she's friends with doesn't have a girlfriend or anything.I feel like I could let them hang out but not be alone at his place. I'm going to have a chat with her about it soon and I wanted to make sure I wasn't being irrational and thinking emotionally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): My two cents, she blew it when she lied to you about being over at the guy's place with her female friend. Maybe she has intentions on him or maybe not but she acted wrongly there and it justifies your concern. She fucked up on that. And tell her that if her female friend was pushing things to happen that way, then it's her problem to stop doing things with that girl. It's still not your problem to accept a GF who lies to you about staying out late at places that might raise your concern.BTW, I would not get worried about not hearing from my GF or getting texts for just a few hours. I wouldn't worry about it if my GF stayed out a few hours longer than she had originally planned to with her friend. I wouldn't get wound up about it until she stayed out all night without telling me what was up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2012):
I have several close work friends who are guys...
we talk about our partners...
and they are slotted as friends for me... but I've been known to hug them.... and talk about private things...
but I don't view them as anything but friends...
so it's very possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex. My partner has only met one of these friends.
to be honest all of us are married or close to married...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): Man She may not have designs on him but you can bet he has designs on her.unless he is gay The reality is if youare going to let her hang out...you cant be jealous...But there is any old saying "correct action are followed by correct feelings ".. do you have female friends you hangout with...How would she feel...
If this relationship they are having makes you uncomfortable then you must tell her that it is detrimental to yalls relationship...If she balks then there is more to it...
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (5 April 2012):
if shes going to this guys house alone to hangout I would definitely be pissed. I think that crosses the line. If they are just getting coffee then who cares. I would tell her straight up that i dont want you to hangout with this guy alone, I trust you I dont trust him.. I also think her friend is pushing her to date this guy. Friends have alot of influence on your choices and life. I think they are getting to know each other.......... And if she talks to this guy as much as you 2 talk, or she hangs out with him alot.. tell her its not okay. or end it
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