A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've known for a while now that my ex is seeing a guy who's married with kids and I didn't really think anything of it. Now my brother has made me feel like I have some sort of responsibility to tell his wife what he's up to with my ex. My ex started seeing this guy while we were still together so I know it's horrible being cheated on but why should it have anything to do with me? What do you think? Would you tell her or not?
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (13 December 2007):
 Hmm Babyduck makes a good point. But while reading it the thought occurred to me that some people who know what husband is up to might avoid talking to the wife (rather like the situation when someone has had a close one die). She might gradually wonder why some people are trying to avoid talking to her.
Which is best, 'big bang' or gradual erosion??
Personally I would prefer to know, before I made any more 'life' decisions. Or booked the holiday of a lifetime for two. Or if you are a woman, have anymore children??
A
female
reader, baby duck  + ♥, writes (13 December 2007):
 If you truly feel in your gut that you have some kind of moral obligation to the wife, perhaps you could approach it this way:
tell your ex that after the pain she caused you, you are feeling guilty about not informing the wife that she is a victim of infidelity, and if your ex and/or her lover cannot tell the wife by (this date), you will.
You know, many years ago, my husband and I were stationed apart, for nearly two years. My friends thought he was messing around on me and wrestled with what to do. It ended up that his distinctive car that was in the neighborhood, that gave them the idea he was cheating, was not his, after all. When I was visiting him, I had lunch with these girls while he was at work, and we laughed over the story. Then, in all seriousness, I told them that if it were true, I would not want to know. I adored my husband and being stationed apart was painful. I did not want to know if he cheated because I would not have left him. They were stunned. So, my point is, the wife may know ... she may not know ... she may be choosing to stay with him until the kids are a bit older ... but if she is in denial, or if she truly does not know, and an outside party *blesses* her with the fruit from the tree of knowledge, she'll have to act.
You don't have to agree with my perspective, but I'd like you to search yourself for your motives before doing anything. Whether she knows or not, from you or someone else, is not going to affect your life at all, but it's going to be like Hiroshima to her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I really don't want revenge on her. I couldn't care less what she does now but I just kind of feel for his wife. I wasted almost 17 years, that's half of my life, with my cheating partner. I see his wife sometimes in the school playground, her kids are a year older and a year younger than my lad, and I feel sorry for her. But telling her never even crossed my mind until my brother mentioned it.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (13 December 2007):
It seems it can be likened to reporting any other violation. Would you report someone stealing from their employer? Would you report someone breaking into your neighbours car? If they are caught the perpetraters are discouraged to do it again. The consquences they suffer serve as deterrent to others thinking of doing something similar.
Conversely, if it's not reported then it continues and others do not see the consequences and some copy the behaviour.
Isn't it just which laws or rules that you wish to see upheld that motivates you to take action?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (13 December 2007):
 Your brother is wrong here. It's not your responsibility. She may well know. Most wives do. It's not your place to inform someone that they are being cheated on, whether you know someone involved or not. I think your brother wants to get back at your ex for her behavior towards you, but why punish the wife who's being cheated on? Doesn't she have it bad enough already? She has two children to think about, if she does decide to dump the creep, let her do it in her own good time.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (13 December 2007):
No, you do not have a responsibility to stick your nose into other people's business, regarding morals.
You do have a responsibility to aid the defenseless (like report a neighbor that beats his dog) and report criminals (someone that beats his/her spouse/child), but leave your ex and her lover to hang themselves with the noose they are creating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Whilst you have no responsibilities to anyone here, it would be pretty aweful if it was you who was being cheated on and found out that someone knew and didn't bother to tell you.The easiest way is to get pictures, proof. And threaten the girl away with them. If it doesn't work, then give the pictures anonymously to the cheated on bloke.Cheating is wrong, and nothing anyone says will convince me otherwise. Is it really that hard to keep your hands off of married people? There are plenty of single people out there.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (13 December 2007):
 I would say whilst it is tempting to get revenge, I would STAY OUT OF IT. This is your EX. You have no responsibility. It's her and the husbands issue. I feel sorry for the wife.
Instead of seaking revenge know that these flings tend to be nothing more than that and I wouldn't be surprised if the husband is using your EX.
She'll most likely get ditched, and his marriage may or may not go down the swanny.
STAY OUT OF IT. RIGHT OR WRONG WOULD YOU WANT HER TO INTERFERE IN ANY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 No...its none of your business, stay out of it.
More importantly, she is your ex, its none of your business what she does, she is no longer your responsiblity. Instead of wasting your energy thinking, talking, contemplating your ex's actions. Spend time get on with your life, meeting people and moving forward.
The mistakes she makes are hers, the consequences are hers. By telling the wife you are entering into taking on board part of those consequences.
I think you have to examine what your motivations are in this, is it to genuinely help the situation, or is it to get revenge?
Either way, you are just adding fuel to a fire that is not your responsiblity. Get on with your life. its over, move on. The time you are wasting with all this, is time wasted on finding/being with a girl who is right for you.
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