A
female
age
41-50,
louweez23
writes:Okay well here we go.My husband left me in October last year. At the time he told me he was unhappy because of certain things I was doing (which I either wasn't doing at all or he had exaggerated out of all proportion). I subsequently found out that he had been 'talking to' another woman at work who had previously had an emotional affair with 2 years earlier.At first I didn't want him back becasue he had put me through 2 years of hell with all the accusations and manipulative behaviour but then after I found out he'd been talking to her again and I understood his real reason for leaving me I decided that I wasn't letting him go to another woman without putting up a fight, so when he saked me to try again I said yes.Then I found out he'd slept with her whilst we were apart and I was so hurt and angry I petittioned for divorce. So the first thing he did was start seeing and sleeping with her again .I couldn't get past my anger so I went into counselling alone. After I sorted out my anger I also came to the conclusion that I did still want to be married to him so I started working on what I would need to change about myself to fulfil his needs so he wouldn't want to be with another woman.2 weeks later he agreed to go to marriage counselling with me, but said he wasn't sure if he wanted to get back together or not because he had developed a 'relationship' with her and still had feelings for her.So we are now goingt o counselling together and although he told the counsellor at our first session that he wasn't sure about his intentions and wanted to work through his feelings for this other woman so far the counsellor hasn't allowed him to explore them. Instead she's focussing on what is going on for me and to a lesser extent him, within our relationship.The problem is that he hasn't told this other woman that we are in couselling, nor has he told her that he is dating em and seeing me regularly and that we speak every day.He did tell her that we were going out on a day out as a family and she hung up on him and he did tell her that he helped me with the decorating and she had a snapper at him.My question is should I tell her as I don't really think he's being very fair on her. He says he won't tell her until he makes up his mind what he wants, but as his behaviour is showing quite clearly what he wants then I think he's being very very unfair on her.
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affair, at work, divorce, get back together Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, salvation +, writes (23 April 2008):
if your changing because its something you dont like thats fine self improvement is great. I think giving him one last chance is good also instead of just telling her getting him to tell her would be even better and itd strengthen your relationship/bond
A
male
reader, salvation +, writes (23 April 2008):
if your changing because its something you dont like thats fine self improvement is great. I think giving him one last chance is good also instead of just telling her getting him to tell her would be even better and strengthen your relationship.
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A
female
reader, louweez23 +, writes (23 April 2008):
louweez23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm not changing me for his sake per se. I am changing myself because whilst most of his criticisms are unfair there are some that have validity. For example, I can be very sarcastic to the point where I'm so cutting that I draw blood (figuritivly of course). Only when people are really stupid or upset me to the point where I get really angry, but that isn't a nice trait and it is soemthing I want to work on.I need to work on that anyway. I do come across as harsh sometimes and that isn't a very desirable quality in a woman and could prevent me from having a happy relationship with any healthy man. It does attract some men. Fixers, submissives and men that want to tame me. In other words if I keep behaving like this I will end up with exactly what I got on the last two occasions. Controlling men.At the moment my husband has got one last chance to fix himself. If he doesn't change his behaviour I'm off.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Yes, I would call her up and let her know. If she has any self-respect she would step aside and allow him the opportunity to work on his marriage since he's decided to do that anyway. I wouldn't assume you know what he wants yet but at least there will be more honesty in this triangle. He's being unfair to the both of you.
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A
male
reader, salvation +, writes (23 April 2008):
first of all never change yourself for another person if he doesnt love you for who you are he isnt worth keeping. I think yes if he is playing her its not fair but if you tell her and he finds out it could ruin your relationship. Good luck
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