A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of the situation i am in. I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months and do love him loads. Never have broken up or had a break before. But recently i found myself going out and flirting more and kind of wishing i was single. Me and my boyfriend were arguin like we have been for ages and i decided to finish it just 4 days ago. I went out the following night and got absolutley paraletic and ended up at this guy's place. Although i didnt sleep with him we did other stuff. When i woke up i started just crying cause i felt so ashamed. It has made me realise that i love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. Before i met him i had a drink problem and would often wake up after doing something stupid and he has changed me. I dont want to go back to the way i used to be! I hated it. What should i do about what i have done? He asked me the next day if i pulled and i said no. Now i want him back and have realised i dont want to have any other guy i want him!! Is there any harm done? If i get back with him should i tell him or forget about it and start afresh with him ?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 The damage is there and there is no way you can escape from the hurt whether aggravated or not when it breaks out.
Not all truth will come out, some do and some don't.You have to learn to live with the guilt .
You can only minimize the collateral damage. The result is what counts. You are still married to him.That is what matters .
Even if he were to divorce you upon finding the truth later down the road , you still had some happiness with him.
In life , you take intelligent calculated risk. No two men are the same . Different men may react differently.
There are too many unknowns. If you had told him earlier , would you still be married to him today? This is just a mental exercise.
He may react differently when he is in that position.Like in this case, would the man just say , OK! I understand and I forgive you .Would it be just that simple?
I think I will take my chances and to each his/her own choice.
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Hi there.
I realize that you've already made your decision, and honestly, I've been in your position, and i made the same choice.
BUT - one thing to consider:
If you turn this situation around, if you were in HIS shoes, Would you like to know???
Would you be hurt if you found out months down the line that not only did he do such a thing, but that he had kept it HIDDEN from you?
My boyfriend (at that time, 6 years ago), found out about my 'fling' almost 16 months after it happened.
Like you guys, we were taking a short break (only lasted 4 days), so 'technically' i didn't cheat on him.
BUT - when he found out, he was totally hurt, and he felt like the entire 16 months we were together after our original break, was entirely based on a lie.
He was severely hurt, and also asked me why i had not told him earlier. LIKE YOU, my reasons were because i didn't think he would take me back.
The reality of the matter: If He Doesn't Take You Back after such an event, then you guys aren't MEANT to be together. No matter how hard you try to hide it, the truth ALWAYS comes out. And the fact that you are planning to HIDE this from him, will only aggravate his HURT.
Whatever you decide, just remember that the universe works in mysterious ways, and KARMA is a very REAL THING.
Good luck to you.
Hope this all works out well.
Love & Light
-M-
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 February 2008):
You may want to read this post too.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-cheated--what-should-i-do-now.html
I think you chose the right decision.
Honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes , you need to tell some white lies. It is better not to know because what you know can hurt you.
You made a stupid mistake but others may not share your views and you risk everything because you want to be honest .Telling him and asking for forgiveness is expecting him to be like God!
Somewhere down the road if he comes to know about it, it effects would have been watered down because ,you have a family , kids and he is more matured to accept what happened in the past.
Just treat it like a bad dream and move on..
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 February 2008):
 "I could never feel for anyone what i feel for him. We have a holiday booked in 2 weeks so i am hoping we can see this as a fresh start and i will put away what i did as a stupid mistake and will not ever do such a thing again!!"
Good for you! Like I said sometimes it takes a silly mistake to make you realise your true feelings.
Sometimes it takes a break. As the saying goes "sometimes you don't know what you had, until it's gone".
This is a fresh start. I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you both :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. I know he would not take this news well and knowing him well i think he would find it hrd to ever trust me going out and the relationshiop will not work again properly. I am seeing on Wednesday, i miss him so much. I am soo looking forward to it, havent seen him in a week, that is the longest time since last may! I don't want to loose him for good so i have decided to try my hardest to forget what ever happened, I would never had done it if i was sober, and i am sickened by myself. I could never feel for anyone what i feel for him. We have a holiday booked in 2 weeks so i am hoping we can see this as a fresh start and i will put away what i did as a stupid mistake and will not ever do such a thing again!!
Thank you all for your help, couldn't of made up my mind without you!! I hope it is the right decision!!
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Oops instead of "But, if you know with certainty that he wouldn't understand" I meant:
"But, if you know with certainty that he would want to know the truth, but that he wouldn't understand"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008):
If he asks, and you lie, it makes you a liar and you risk the relationship even more.
In these relationship decisions, rather than do what you think is right, you should act on what he would want.
Depending on his maturity, he might be OK with the news, or he might not even want to know. You were broken up, after all. Perhaps your drinking incident may be a wake up call to him as well.
But, if you know with certainty that he wouldn't understand, and you still keep it from him, how can you ever really move on? Just with hope that one day you'll forget? I think that will base the relationship on a lie, and a lie that will always trouble you. There will always be the possibility that he may find out later on.
Being truthful, or rather doing what the other person would want, I think makes for better relationships and generally a happier life.
When you are truthful, no one can touch you.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 well you weren't going out with him at the time were you? so technically you didn't cheat or anything. its up to you whether to tell him or not, if you think that he would be hurt or consider this to be a pretty significant thing, then maybe you should think about telling him. to be honest though, i wouldnt, i would just appreciate the fact that i have a great boyf that i love. but also, it shouldnt have taken you a drunken fling to realise that you loved your man, wat are you going to do the next time you have an argument and you have those doubts? i would ask yourself why it took another man to make you realise your feelings for someone else. and also, you shouldnt be staying with your bf if your just using him as a crutch for your past problems.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Hi,
You had a wake up call, and although I really believe that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, you wasnt technically with him. So its up to you whether you admit it, but I think the other aunts are right and you should forget it. Just never, ever, do it again.
Good luck
XX
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 February 2008):
I agree with Laura1318 when she says "throw away those thoughts about that crazy incident into the deepest ocean and never see it again".
If you really do want to get back with your boyfriend then I suggest you forget about this "incident" and don't mention anything about it to him EVER.
Sometimes it takes "incidents" like this to make you realise your true feelings.
At the end of the day you were on a break and he need never know. Have to say, if I were in his shoes and you told me you went back to some guys place 4 days after we split I would definitely NOT get back together with you.
Best of luck and I hope it all works out for you!
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A
female
reader, Emj85 +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Hi it sounds like there might be some issues with you and your boyfriend and this is what caused you to do other stuff with this guy. Its up to you weather you want to tell him its weather you could carry on lying to him if you get back together. The point is you made a mistake, we all do but there must have been something slipping in your relationship to make you want to be on a break. My suggestion? Go back to your boyfriend, tell him you made a mistake and that you love him and only want him but tell him if there is anything bothering you. Dont throw it away what you have ok. Email me if you want more advice Best of luck Emxxx
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A
female
reader, emsy0002005 +, writes (25 February 2008):
u should speak to your boyfriend it seems youve had a moment of madness but if you truely loved him think would you have needed someone else
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 February 2008):
If you realized your follies, then you should just trashed it and throw away those thoughts about that crazy incident into the deepest ocean and never see it again.
It is your life. You don't have to share those details with anyone .You did it while you were on a crazy streak.
Just forget it and move on.Nobody has to know and if it comes up, just deny everything .There are no witnesses.It was just a bad dream only.
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