A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was seeing a married man for 15 months. He is 46, 13 yrs my senior. Married 24 yrs, with 4 kids and 2 grandkids. I should say he was also my boss and sunday school teacher.After months of pushing him away he held on strong. Everyone knew except his wife. He even introduced me to his mother. He went as far as leaving his wife, but it didnt last long. She still doesn't know. Here I am dumped cold and bitter while he is renewing his relationship with her. Should I tell her or just leave her blind to his affair?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 If the anonymous poster sees this entry I'd like to ask her to contact me personally, if she feels comfortable doing so. I think we got off on the wrong foot. Perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough or you may have misunderstood some of what I said. I may have sounded harsh in the beginning but in my defense, there was not much information to deal with.
As I said, my reply was based on your original entry, not so much the follow ups. You did say you felt bad in your follow up, that is a good sign. If you feel deeply hurt, that is understandable. The most important thing to understand though is where the hurt came from. You already know that so you have learned an important lesson. Your friend who told you to tell his wife, only said that because she's your friend, not because it was a good thing to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Stina.
I am finished with this post.
To be honest, I am a little scared to post again, on this or any other subject.
Thank you to all that have been helpful.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Good lord, Anonymous. You came here looking for help and now you feel like you have to apologize and explain your emotions to a complete stranger. You shouldn't have to do that. This post has totally gone off on a tangent - I suggest you take the help that you were able to hear from us and leave it at that. I don't see what any of these last posts have to do with helping your problem - you obviously feel like crap as it is, you don't need someone pestering you about how you messed up. I hope that this doesn't discourage you from using this site for other problems you may have in the future.
Eddie, there is a difference between "not showing compassion" and questioning the poster right down to whether or not she is lying about her problem. And I think it's just a little more than "not showing compassion" by saying condescending things such as "you'd better spend a little more time studying." And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's a bit more than "not showing compassion" to sit there and make snide comments like "Aren't you a prize!!! Poor you!!" Sorry to step in like this, but honestly - I think you need to just stop with the posts on this thread - it's getting you and the question asker nowhere and I'm sure it's unappreciated. (I know you're not this big of a jerk most of the time; I've read many of your other posts. What the heck is going on??)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Well now is the time to put it all behind you and move on. Stay busy and each day will get easier for you. Lesson learned.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have none. Like I said a friend said I should. Maybe that friend is into revenge. As for me, I'm fine leaving it alone. I just wanted others opinions on it.
Forgive me for not clarifying better in my first post. I never posted here and it said not to make it too long. I was just throwing the just of my story up.
As for me, I am hurt deeply. What do I think of that? I deserve it. I deserve every little heartache I bring upon myself. I lay in the bed I made. I accept that.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (16 May 2007):
I agree that you deserve respect as a human being. We all do ! My only point is this... go back to your original question, review it, and ask yourself what was the issue you were trying to clarify. You have expressed a degree of understanding in your follow ups but your original question mentioned nothing at all about being sorry. You only said you were "dumped, cold and bitter". Those were your words. THAT is why I gave you little compassion. Do you understand that? You were only concerned about what happened to you. Considering you were willing to participate in this game, you have to suffer the consequences. That is the reason I said telling his wife, if done for reasons of revenge, is only doing another immoral act.
Another thing is this, you say I don't know all the sides. That information is something you have to offer. What I do know is this, I don't need to know any more information to understand that you knew it was wrong, from the beginning. There is nothing you, he or anybody can say to justify the act. The only thing to say is that both of you messed up, and you've already done that.
As I said in the beginning, when people are truly sorry for something, they show remorse, not contempt or hopes for revenge. What would your reason be for telling her about what the two of you did?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie I know I made a mistake and I fully accept that. I also know it was a very stupid mistake. The fact is you do NOT have all the details, and will never fully understand. My side, his side, and the truth, there are always 3 sides to every story.
I never expected nothing in the end, and let him know that from the beginning. He was the one who wanted so much more and I let it be known I didn't want more.
I, honestly don't want to tell his wife. She is a very sweet christian woman, who doesn't deserve to be hurt like that.
I deserve no compassion, and I ask for none. However, I do deserve a little respect as a human being.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (16 May 2007):
You can paint whatever picture you choose. It's umderstandable that you feel the way you do...but...look at your original question, it's all about you. What you have to own is this, YOU made the bad choice. Just because you were with him sexually for 15 months means nothing. You were entitled to nothing and in the end, you got what you deserved. The only people that deserve compassion are his wife and kids. They've done nothing wrong. I understand you made a mistake. Your problem is you haven't completely accepted that and let go of it. You still have thoughts about stirring up trouble, as INDICATED by your question. That tells me you have not truly understood the depth of what you've done. If you did, you'd feel remorse, not revenge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question(I really don't see the point in acting like a jerk to someone who is in need of help. All it does is end up making the person angry/defensive and making me look like a heartless jerk. Plus it's just plain unproductive. And obviously I don't know all of the details of your situation, so I hardly think I'm able to judge you at all.)
Now only if everyone had that mental awareness.
Thank you Stina
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (15 May 2007):
Hi again anonymous,
You're welcome! (I really don't see the point in acting like a jerk to someone who is in need of help. All it does is end up making the person angry/defensive and making me look like a heartless jerk. Plus it's just plain unproductive. And obviously I don't know all of the details of your situation, so I hardly think I'm able to judge you at all.)
You said "I don't want to tell her. I feel like I have done enough damage just by being with him." I feel you should go with your gut on this one and not listen to your friend. This is something very personal and you should only do what you feel comfortable with and what you think is right. And I think you're right, she probably did know something was going on, especially if he is no longer allowed to speak with you. This is good - it will cause less drama for both you and him/his family. And the last thing you want to do is stir up more drama that will cause you even more stress.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhoa! excuse me. First of all Did I ever say I was innocent? NO.
I don't want to tell her. I feel like I have done enough damage just by being with him. I was told by a friend I should tell. However, I honestly don't know what I would get out of it, except causing a lot of grief and heartache. I don't want to hurt her or her family. I know them all very well and couldn't imagine hurting them.
I know she is not a complete idiot. She had to know something. I don't think she ignored it entirely because he is no longer allowed to speak to me. If she knows in her heart, and has forgiven him, who am I to rip that apart?
Thank you Stina for being honest with your reply without being so brutal and cyncial.
As for you Eddie, I am not asking for sympathy. I knew what I was getting into with this guy. I guess after 15 months of seeing someone sexually you're gonna have some love for them. Unless, you have no compassion whatsoever.
Romeo's plan? I am 33 not 18, I knew the ooutcome of this lil love story before it even started.
Oh and yes, I AM a prize.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): What exactly are your motives? If it is revenge then that is not a very moral thing to do. You can not be responsible for his life, leave it to him. Bear in mind that his wife may very well have a good idea of what is happening and chooses to ignore it. She may just know him better than you do. She may turn on you and call you a liar, don't expect her to blame him, she could defend herself and him by calling you a marriage wrecker. Do be careful, I can't see what you think is in this for you, or anyone.
You could just damage a whole family structure in your quest. It may be fair that he should reach a reckoning, in one sense,but it is not up to you to being it. Poor grandschildren, children and everyone else who will have their lives rocked while you get your revenge. I don't think they deserve that. You are as much to blame as him and who you choose for your partner is your responsibility. I suggest you try harder! Sorry to be hard on you and good luck in finding a better person to be with while you work on being better yourself.
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A
female
reader, minaah +, writes (15 May 2007):
i think yooh should tell her as it is not fair he is left getting everything he wants while ur outside all cld and lonley ....... tell it is the right thing tooo do //// trust me bbe....xxxx
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female
reader, stina +, writes (15 May 2007):
Hi Anonymous,If he is trying to renew his relationship with his wife, then that's good. My suggestion is to leave him and her alone. What good would it do - he has a family that he is trying to keep together. You are just feeling bitter right now because he chose someone else over you. It's understandable that you have negative feelings, but honestly I bet you knew in the back of your mind that this would happen. I think it's best to just move on and keep all of this in the past. Learn from your mistake of getting together with a married man.The only time I think you should open up about any of this is if she specifically asks you if anything happened between you and her husband. But that's because I do not believe in lying to anyone about anything. Hopefully that will never happen and this can be over with.I do wonder what a Sunday school teacher is doing messing around when he is supposed to live by the church's morals. I have read on other advice columns where mistresses have turned in their married boyfriends and the church has dismissed them from their duties. I do not think this is a wise move, though, because it will just blow things way out of proportion in my opinion. But I thought I would mention it.(Eddie, every church is different. When I used to go to church, it was unheard of if adults did NOT attend sunday school. Just depends on the religion, church, location, etc.)Take care.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 May 2007):
You're 33 and in Sunday school??? I thought Sunday school was for kids....Is this a real story? If it is, and yo go to Sunday school, you'd better spend a little more time studying. I think you've missed a couple lessons.
Aren't you a prize !!! Poor you !! What was your part in this? You sound like you believe you're an innocent victim. You were an active participant in a rotten plan. Was he wrong? Yes he was. Did he try to convince you to be with him? I'm sure he did. That is what happens when anybody begins dating, married or not. Why are you bitter? You jumped in with both feet, where you didn't belong, rolled the dice in the game of life......and guess what, you won !!
You don't even know it yet but the plan you had with Romeo to carry out this plan blew up in your face. Count yourself lucky. This guy is not worth your time. Why do you want to get revenge by hurting everybody else in his inner circle. Would she better off knowing he's a jerk, probably. She'll find out on her own soon enough. If you decide to tell his wife, make sure you tell her your part in the rotten plan.
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