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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear All,I've written a couple of times already about this problem, but it's just got worse - please help!!I have a boyfried who loves me very much - we have been dating for 2 months, but he loved me for 3 years beforehand. In the past, he was quite obsessive about me, and this drove me away.However, I finally decided to try dating him after a number of failed relationships, having dated a number of "players" in the past. I realised that I just wanted someone to love me - was fed up with being broken-hearted by a series of love-rats.Now I see how much this guy loves me, and I appreciate him for this reason. The only problem is that we are from totally different backgrounds. He is European, and I am English - myself a professional person, financially successful, whilst he is yet to establish himself (not a home owner, no real income, although lots of potential - he's a builder).We are both at the age where we want to settle down, but I have serious doubts about whether we will be happy together, because I now see a lack of drive/ambition from him. I can see myself being the main driving force to help him get his business started and established, in order to get him to be financially secure - this is important if we are to live together and have kids.To make things more confusing, I have met another man. Whilst nothing has happened between us, this man is of equal business success to myself, has a great charming personality (my current bf lacks social skills around friends etc - extremely quiet), and we just get on extremely well. But then I don't know if the new man (or any other man) would love me (enough to want to commit)!I'm not sure if I am insecure due to the number of bad men I have dated...?! The problem with current bf is that he lacks that level of drive to improve himself, and this really is starting to annoy me. He does tell me he wants to sort out finances so we can be together, but it's as though he just doesn't know how to go about doing this, so I find myself practically writing him a business plan!! Sometimes I feel like his mother, more than his gf!!Whilst I think I do love him, I'm starting to realise that i need more in order to make a stable happy home-life. I have no emotional/intellectual challenge with him. I'm an incredibly sharp and driven person, and do find the fact that he is so passive with ambitions, a turn-off. Also, we are used to completely different lifestyles - I love holidays, restaurants, theatres, whereas he has lived a rather solitary life, is open to new things, but all dates etc are driven by myself (he is new to all of this type of socialising). BUT he does really, truly love me so much!!! I just don't know if we are too different to ever make it really work.The other man has all the things my current bf lacks, although I have no idea as to whether he is after a relationship, or is just another womaniser.I'm considering dating both men, for a short period, in order to try and help me understand exactly what/whom I want - is this wrong? I do feel guilty about this, even though I'm not planning on doing anything with the other guy - just curious. I just want to make sure I make the right decision as to whom I settle with.If I stick with current bf, I know i will always have someone who loves, cares for me and is faithful. But I will have to take the risk of waiting (possibly for a year) to see if he can manage to get his own business started and up-and running (with my help and support, of course).My main worry is I am almost 33 yrs old, and at that stage in life where my biological clock is ticking!! I don't know if I can risk another year of being with someone, not knowing how things will turn out.Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice. Women, especially - what do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (9 September 2006):
Hey hun, try not to worry so much, i say this but i'm in a very similar situation. my current bf is a builder and iv been with him for a year, but he is too immature even though he is 25, we have different interests, i want to go travelling and work in australia for a while whereas he wasn't too keen on the idea, but now says that he is although i know hes just doing it to keep me happy. iv met someone else now who i think i could be happy with but scared to make a decision incase i ruin my life!! the thing is, i did really really love my bf but after lots of things that have happened i don't think im "in love" with him anymore, im just too scared to lose my best friend. iv thought about what to do for a week now and decided on staying with my bf, but now iv changed my mind. if im thinking about being with someone else i don't love him like he does me and am obviously not happy. if u truly love someone u accept eveything about them u dont care about little things, whereas uv pointed out a number of things u don't like about ur current bf. don't just settle for something because u think ur getting old!! 33 is young, without sounding horrible, if what u have isn't good enough then try something else, don't worry that no one else will love u of course they will. don't meet them both at the same time though if he loves u then don't repay him by breaking his heart just be honest, or say ur going in separate ways. even better, leave him and be on ur own, there's no rush to get with the new guy, just start being friends when uv got over ur bf and see what happens don't pressurise anything. good luck xxx
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