A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance is deployed at the moment. He got deployed in June and he leaves to go on his r and r in January. He is supposed to be coming to see me and my son for the 2 weeks, but now he is talking about going to Africa(where he is originally from) to see some of his relatives. He wants to see me too but he also wants to see his relatives. He will be on leave for 45 days when he comes home for good in June. I've been waiting patiently for him since he left this past June. I'm ready to give up on this relationship because I feel like I should come first because I'm his fiance, so what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyea u guys r right. i guess im just frustrated because ive been counting down the days and anxious for him to come home and him telling me that he was considering going to africa to see his fam just thew me totally off! he hasnt been on a visit to kenya in 4 yrs so i guess its time for visit. i just miss him terribly!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): you don't have a monopoly on him just because you are his fiance, or even if you were his wife. His relatives were in his life long before he even met you. You expect him to erase them out of his life now, for you just because you are the fiance? you're not being very caring of him, if you want to prevent him from seeing his loved ones. what if the tables were turned. what if he made you choose between seeing him or seeing your son? that woudln't be fair to you, just as right now you're not being fair to him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 I agree with CaringGuy, and I must add you are making a big mistake if you leave him because of this alone. I understand that you are very disappointed because you've been waiting for so long to see him, and now he wants to see someone else too, and you feel like he isn't as interested in you as you are in him. But this is family and friends, they are important to him, and how long ago has it been since he saw them, and when will he have an opportunity to see them again??
Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if you were asked to chose between seeing your family (including your son) OR him, when you have the opportunity to be with HIM for the rest of your life as you are getting married. Would you not wish to see your family too, when you have the chance?
You and him are planning to spend your lives together, and the way I see it he puts family at the top of his priorities. That includes you, as you and your son are becoming part of his family. It should comfort you that he thinks about his family, and values his family, because that means he also values YOU.
Would you rather he comes see you in January, and then goes to his family in June to stay with them for a longer period of time? Or would you not rather do what he suggests, that he sees his family now in January so that you and him can be together and be married when he comes home in June, and you get to spend all of your time together?
You are planning life with him, marriage. That means you have many many years ahead of you where he will be your companion and keep you company. You can not cry about not seeing him for this one year when you have at least 50 years ahead of you to spend with him. Be PATIENT. He will come home to you. You must support him, because he finds this difficult as well. A good wife, and a good girlfriend, will not ask her man, or demand her man, to CHOOSE between her or family. A good wife will be understanding and support him, as long as he is coming home to her in the end, loves her, and treats her right.
Let him go meet his family. Then when he comes home to you in June greet him with a smile and you and him can be married and have a good life together. Think long term, don't just think about the short term. Marriage is for life after all, and you and him will survive even if you don't see him in January. He will love and respect you all the more if you show him support. Tell him you were looking forward to seeing him again, and are disappointed, which is why you have reacted in such a manner. Then tell him that now you have calmed down and thought about it, and understand that he needs to see his family. You respect and understand that decision, and you agree that family is important. Then tell him you wish to hear from him and maintain a good communication through this period where he is away, and make plans to meet in June.
Be patient. You wanted to be with this man for life, so in the big picture it does not matter if you can't see him in January. You will get all of him in June. Rather he sees family now, and then stays with you for life, than have him see you now, and then go stay with his family in June for who knows how long.
Perhaps you can arrange to go meet him in Africa in January?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 November 2011):
Exactly what do you mean by 'you should come first'? Because from what I'm reading, he wants to see you AND his relatives. He's not picking them over you at all. I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from here. It seems that he's trying to do the right thing for everyone.
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