A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was married for 18 years to a man who was emotionally unavailable. I don't think he was even capable of any depth of feeling or love. I have been divorced for four years now, and it has been lonely.I met a man four weeks ago who I thought was wonderful. He has a lot of the same interests I do, has a good sense of humor, and is fun to be with. Here's the probem--I'm seeing the "emotionally unavailable" signs. At first, he seemed affectionate, but that didn't last long. Maybe I just need too much--but I have never had anyone who acted loving towards me and treated me like I was someone special. I want that. I'm feeling like it is time to leave the relationship, before I have given it much of a chance. I am just afraid that I'm getting too emotionally invested and he isn't at all. Do you think I am just panicking too early?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): Good luck... I can relate to the emotionally unavailable husband.SoftTouch - what do you do when you have told him these things and his response is thats not him you knew this when we married. He may then "try" for a short time and it is phony and cold just motions. You ask for a kiss and its a peck on top of the head. You try and get a hug its a qucik pat on the back and he can't push you away fast enough.Guess I have my own problem to deal with...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): Oh, and yes--he was divorced a year ago. I have wondered if he either still has feelings for the ex-wife--or maybe has been so hurt that he is putting up a wall and won't let himself feel anything for anyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): Thank you softtouchmale. That is good advice and I am going to talk to him. I'm just really afraid that when I tell him what I need out of a relationship, he will either (a) decide to run--thinking this is too much to deal with, or (b) not do anything different because he's just not made up that way.I guess I have a negative attitude--I have just never had any man make much of an effort to please me. Then I can't help but take it personally and think that maybe I'm not that great or there would be some man wanting to do whatever it takes to try to make me happy and treating me like I'm somebody special. That's what I do--why don't I get the same thing in return?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (5 September 2009):
 I feel for you on this one.
The best suggestion here is to talk to him outright and find out why he appears to be gaining distance instead of gaining physical intimacy.
I hate to say it, but personally when there's woman in my life and I am invested in her, in other words devoted, I want to be close. Hugging, kissing, holding hands. Touching fingers. All of that is part of the connection.
But some guys get gun shy. Let me ask you this: is he just coming out of a nasty relationship? Possibly a divorce?
Its one issue.
Anyway, here's the cure. You need to sit down with him and tell him what it is you need in your life, in the relationship. If you want him to bump you with his hip, then say so. If you want him to brush your hair with his hand, tell him. He's not a mind reader and he may have been "trained" by an ice queen of all you know.
I have seen men exit horrible marriages where they're afraid to touch women because the ex-wife degenerated into a "don't touch me" person. Unless you tell him what it is that turns you on and what it is that you need out of a relationship, he will never know for sure.
No one comes with an instruction manual. The manual's communicated openly. The more you talk to him about what your needs are as a woman, the more he will know how to satisfy you. But again, its both ways. You need to find out what he needs too. If you both talk, get down to the nuts and bolts, you can really open up and flourish as a couple.
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