A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife told me she loves me, But not in love with me.how should i react to a statment like this. She's been comming to me with these crazy idea's. Like wanting to move to FL. from MI and discussing what would happen to the kids if we were to diviorce. We have been Married for 10 years. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): OP
Please listen wisely: if your wife is telling you all this "not in love" crap, start doing your homework.
talk to a lawyer. know what are your rights. your wife has already checked out of the marriage. she is making plans to leave the marriage.
a third party? observe and monitor her movements, email, cell phone, and friends
don't be a fool- be wise so that when she breaks your heart, you are still intact financially. be financially fit and get out while you still have control of the situation. do a "lifestyle audit" - assets, debts and household content.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): I told my wife exactly that years before we divorced. I was not seeing anyone else and had no feelings for anyone else. I simply did not feel like we had the spark, connection, energy...whatever you want to call it. I loved her, in a compassionate way like TEM calls it, but we had lost affection...not just the "honeymoon" phase...which ended MANY years before that. What was the deal breaker was that we had not only lost the affection...we had begun to lose respect for one another.
People can grow apart and marriages do not always work. She is sending you a signal. I would take advantage of it and get to counseling. At least you will know you did everything you could to rebuild your love and try to get back some of that "in love" feeling. I find that after many years of marriage, it is more of a respect and admiration thing...you lose that from time to time even in a healthy marriage. Sometimes you get it back, sometimes you dont.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 If she loves you but is not in love with you --- then who is she in love with???
Huge red flags here IMHO.
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A
male
reader, zcgby678  +, writes (13 May 2011):
Its amazing how women stick up for each other even if wrong..LOL..My brother, you sound like an honest person, too good to be with a slut in the making. She wants to get closer to her FL lover. Tell her she is being short-sighted and that she is throwing everything for 'feelings' which may or may not work.
In the meantime i suggest you start looking for a second wife who will take care of your kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): She's been watching too many chick flicks lol
from my perspective as a female i would suggest you do something to the flame of your marriage, say if you can get someone to look after your kids for a few days and take ur wife to like a 3 day romantic trip or something. Be as romantic as you can that should work (if there's no 'new person' involved if u know what i mean :)
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A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (13 May 2011):
She doesn't love you in "that way" anymore. That is what it means, but she's just too afraid to say it out right for fear of hurting your feelings worse than she already is. Look for signs of cheating...
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 her statement makes no sense for that reason alone you should part ways.. she sounds like a nervous breakdown...run
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 Are you thinking about divorce?
The statement alone doesn't mean you need to divorce, but if that is what you and your wife wants, then it is what it is.
But the "in love" feeling is typically something that goes away after a few months of being in a relationship. I think the language itself is blocking this discussion. Could it be that what she means by "in love" is attraction towards you? That she loves you, but isn't attracted to you as a partner any longer? Romance is dead? This could be what she is trying to say.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (13 May 2011):
 I would ask her if there was someone else. Staying "in love" is not the norm for a marriage of more than a few years. Passionate love settles into compassionate love. That's just the way it goes. It's not practical for people to be perpetually in the "in love" state. If it were the norm, little would get done in the world.
"I love you, but I am not in love with you" is not good enough. There is more to this than meets the eye and you deserve better, especially if there are children involved. My guess is she has someone and is formulating her exit plan. Ask her straight to explain why she is planning to break up your family.
If she cannot give you a more valid reason than, "I'm not in love with you" I would watch her a little more closely. It's not very difficult to catch people in affairs these days. They leave an electronic trail, which is easily traced. Check out the Internet for information.
Good luck.
TEM
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