A
female
age
36-40,
*inalae
writes:Hi everyone, the issue that I am having is that my bf has not told any of his dead ex wife ( she died last year in july) friends or people that he knows in common with her that I exist and that I am his girlfriend , yesterday I told him about it, because every time that a person that was a friend of his ex wife calls him ( besides the fact that he inherited her house and sone other belongings) he just leaves the room or tells me to not speak, and the same thing happened with her when she was still alive. She did not know I existed.Because according to him it would be too painful for her , cause apparently their divorce was hard ( she was the one who took that decision, even though she was still into him), their marriage was a hot mess, and I am way younger than her.Another thing all of his friends from childhood, family and work friends now about me and have met me.I am 31, he is 47, it’s only his ex wife friends, who he happens to know as well to which he has not told about ne and that he has been with me for 2 years and a half.By the way his ex wife was 59 when she died, he was 30, when he married her and she was 43 at that time.So my question is, am I entitled to demand him to let these people know that I am his GIRLFRIEND! That I exist and that is extremely normal for him to have a girlfriend when they have been divorced for almost 8 years now.( no kids in the way.)Well his ex wife had nobody, he was the only one that was there for her, sad but true, all of her brothers died, plus mom and dad etc, I do want kids, and trust me it’s a battle with this whole topic, he says he does wants kids and get married but for some reason it does not convince me.By the way,,since he is still with his lawyer working out some things about the will, the house is already under his name, but the lawyer is still resolving some things of the testament.My question is if they all know about me, about the fact that he has a girlfriend etc, can this affect the inheritance?, him being the will keeper and owner?I need your honest opinion, what is up with this, he told me he had already explain to me why, honestly I don’t even remember that explanation, but he sure did not refresh my mind yesterday.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (27 June 2020):
 Your boyfriend is obviously someone who keeps people in his life in separate boxes. Why he would do this only he knows and everyone else can only surmise.
There are two side to this: (1) why is he keeping you a secret from some people in his life and (2) why does it matter to you?
Does he have much contact with these friends? Does he actively maintain his friendship with them or is it all one-sided and he just takes phone calls from them when they phone? If the latter, perhaps he is trying to cut ties by allowing the friendship to die off "naturally"? In this case, he may feel his relationship status is none of their business.
I can, to some extent, understand him not wanting his ex wife to know about you. Just because someone's relationship is a "hot mess", does not mean they don't still care for each other or want to hurt each other. She obviously cared for him, otherwise she would not have left him everything in her will. She could have left it to someone else or even to charity.
If he was hiding your existence from everyone, I would be highly suspicious. However, you have met his close friends and family, people with whom I assume he has much more contact than the friends he shared with his ex wife.
One thing which does intrigue me is that he has gone from one relationship incorporating a huge age gap to another, albeit yours is the other way round from the one with his wife. I wonder if this is just coincidence or whether he finds it difficult to communicate with people his own age.
In your shoes I would look at this relationship holistically and decide whether these "shared friends" are important to you. If your gut tells you something is wrong, walk away as quickly as possible. If not, then perhaps be grateful for the good in your relationship and ignore these people's existence.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2020): I am only speculating obviously, BUT if their marriage was a hot mess as you say and he is keeping you separate from people who have knowledge of their relationship, then as WiseOwle says, he may well be keeping you separate from them because he doesn't want you to hear about how he behaved during his marriage.
It rings bells with me because it's a similar situation to the one I was in when I was with my last abusive partner. He made sure I never met any of his six children (and looking back, I'm quite sure he made out to them that I didn't want to meet THEM), he made sure that I never met any of his exes. Would tell me how mad they were, how they would make life difficult for me if they met me etc etc.
It is a well known abusive tactic of abusive people to keep their past and present relationships very separate. So you are less likely to hear what they're really like.
Also you say that his wife left him, but apparently still had feelings for him. I HAD to leave my ex because of his abuse, but we still had strong feelings for each other when I left. Strange I know, but that's how abuse can affect you.
And lastly the phrase you use at the end of your post,'He sure did not refresh my mind yesterday', sounds as if he was annoyed about you asking. AND that he is lying to you, telling you that he has already explained everything. He obviously hasn't, otherwise, you wouldn't be here, asking us.
What I'm trying to say is that, to me, he sounds as if he could be abusive. Telling you he's told you things he hasn't, getting annoyed when you ask him about it, not caring about your feelings and keeping his past and present separate. And when you say his marriage was a hot mess, that's what abuse creates, it's very descriptive of an abusive relationship.
You cant demand that anybody does anything in life, you can ask and if you don't like the answer or the outcome then you can decide if it's something you want to stay with or not. I'm also suggesting to you that you could be with someone who is not going to make you happy anyway. Are there other aspects of his behaviour that make you question him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 June 2020):
 You ask if you are "entitled" AND "can demand" things from your BF. We can't "give you permission" or tell you what you can and can not do in a relationship.
But I would say this, no you are not ENTITLED to have him tell everyone that he is dating you. But since he isn't willing to do it ON HIS own, is he really someone you want to be with? To be his "dirty little secret"?
If his friends CARE for him they would be glad that HE is not alone anymore, that he has someone who cares for him. At least I think so.
Could it affect his inheritance, you ask? Why should it? They had been divorced for 8 years, you say, so HOW in the World does WHO or WHETHER he is dating someone now? |Unless she had some ridiculous stipulations that he would only inherit if he stays single... but what kind of person would do that?
HE isn't ready to tell the World that he is dating again. Or that he HAS been dating for 2 years. Why? Because he get more attention for being the "widower"?
I think what you ARE entitled to, is to MAKE a choice whether you want to date someone who isn't PROUD of dating you, who doesn't want to shout from the rooftop that he has someone special in his life?
I can't imagine dating someone for 2 whole years and NOT be a real part of their life. Not meet family and friends. How long are you willing to wait?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2020): Unless his ex's will has some unusual or rigid stipulations, or her property was still in probate under review; having a girlfriend has no bearing on his inheritance of his ex-spouse's property. If the will is being contested, there may be some delays; but that has nothing to do with you.
This is a major judgement call on your part. You asked for our honest opinions, and here's mine. It seems to me he is hiding the fact he has a girlfriend from his ex-wife's friends who would probably judge him. It makes no sense at all. Why should he care? Their opinions are of no consequence and would be totally irrelevant.
Why would they give a flying-fig that you're his girlfriend, and why would you give half of a flying-fig if they never knew??? They're not your friends, and the guy has been divorced for over eight years!!! Why are you making this an issue? What does it matter whether they know or not? If they haven't discovered the fact after two years by accident; then apparently they have very little contact, or never visit him. How do you go an entire stretch of two years and you never run into her friends while you're both out together? If they all live out-of-town, what's your beef?
If you want them to know, notify everyone on your Facebook page or through social media. Make all the announcements you'd like! It's my opinion they probably couldn't care less! She's his ex-wife, and now dead and gone. Unless they know something about him that you don't; none of this really makes any sense. Maybe he's afraid they'll clue you in on some shady stuff about him? God rest her soul, she's no longer bothered by any of this drama.
You've addressed this issue with him. It's entirely up to you if you want to put-up with it, or if you don't. We can't make the decision for you; and if you feel he has no respect for you by hiding you from certain people. Dump him! Your options are open.
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