A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have to make a decision regarding leaving my husband. We have been together 18 years and have no children.Life prior to marrying was magical. I could not fault him in the least but on returning from our honeymoon he became grumpy and sullen.I put it down to his life being turned upside down. Up until we married he had been a single man, travelling oversea's each year. Ate out often and was involved in football, cricket and tennis.For whatever reason he didnt ever get back to the before marriage man I married.For the first 7 years I persisted to make our marriage work, whilst he threw temper tantrums and generally became hostile. Always thinking he was uphappy in the town we moved to soon after marrying.I then was offered a position working in his home town so we uprooted and relocated to where he was from.That didnt improve matters greatly, he was still pedantic and intrusive - if my shoes were in the foyer because I was about to leave for work he would take them back to my closet - he said they made the house look untidy.last evening I filled the washer up with washing and left it soaking over nite. i asked him when he gets up to watch the football could he turn the washing machine on, thats all he had to do, was click a switch. He replied, he would be too busy taking the garbage out, feeding the cats and getting his breakfast so he could sit down and eat it whilst watching football.The last 5 years in particular have been terrible. Hes said the most incredibly ridiculous things - like he didnt have time to flick the washer on. Or, he was too busy to answer the phone when someone was calling for him so I had to redirect the house phone to my mobile whilst shopping.I have always stood up to him and not allowed him to railroad me and eventually hes actually gotten the message screaming in my face doesnt work.He thinks hes now behaving. Well, hes not screaming thats for sure but hes also not working - hasnt ever, doesnt cook or clean, spends his days pottering in his green house and is actually convinced hes busy.Just about each day when hes not in an angry mood he declares he loves me and we will be together forever. I dont want to be. I dont want to be here with him. I want to be thousands of miles away living alone on the coast without the constant hostility.Problem is, he doesnt think theres anything wrong with our marriage now. Hes convinced all is well - how he does begs belief as we havent had sex for over 2 years.But if I leave him he will have nothing. Hes not trained in anything much. Has always worked for the post office in stores but now they dont need people as machinery has replaced them.He cannot support himself, doesnt know how to cook, doesnt drive and doesnt use a computer.I have tried talking to him about his weirdness and bizarre ways but he wont have a bar of it. He either vacillates between complete denial, being incredibly angry, being the lost little boy, sulking or saying bizarre things.Last month I told him our marriage was over he was gutted. Cried for hours, begged me to stay, promised me the world but in the next breathe walks around saying I can either lump it or like him, hes not here to live up to anyone's expectations and this is the way life is.Please help me unravel my head. I cannot keep vacillating any longer. I go back and forth between knowing I want to leave to feeling incredibly sorry for him and wondering how he will survive if I leave so havent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, moan a lots wife +, writes (20 December 2012):
Thanks anonymous, please keep telling me that. Hes gone but hasn't taken anything with him so he will probably be back. Hoping when he whenhe does reappear someone is with him for support. I cannot be everything to him
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): He probably has some sort of mental illness and has all his life. He wasn't like this before you married but since you've been married 18 years he was probably covering it up earlier. Most of the time you've known him, he has been like this.
It's not wrong of you to leave him. The relationship you have is not one that fits the definition of a marriage. Rather it's more like a caretaker-child relationship. Of course he doesn't want you to leave because he sees you as his caretaker he's terrified how he will survive if you leave.
but this kind of relationship is wrong, and it's unhealthy for both of you. There are ways for him to survive but he won't learn them if you're still around propping him up.
If you divorce him, you can pay him alimony to help him. You can even (if you want to) remain in contact as 'friends' to help advise him on how to go about his daily life. Refer him to social services to help him get a job. He's not supposed to be dependent on a spouse the way a child is dependent on their parent. if he really is then what he needs isn't a marriage it's professional help.
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A
female
reader, moan a lots wife +, writes (19 December 2012):
Scottmartinez2012 thanks.
I kind of agree. He WAS good to spend time with and marry but that stage has long gone. Hes certainly not a party guy. In hindsight he is actually a loner who could not take everyday stressors.
I think his frequent vacations were to escape the rat race. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.. Pity I was blinded to the real situation.
I also think he holds onto me like a cuddly blanket because he knows he cannot support himself.
Sooo the decision is: Do I insist the house is put on the market tomorrow. Or do I do a runner in a way and go and find a job elsewhere so I don't come home often and eventually he gets the idea its over. Or do insist more that he moves out now?
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A
male
reader, scottmartinez2012 +, writes (18 December 2012):
 Some men are worth enjoying time with and some men are worth marrying. This is a clear case of you marrying a party guy who can't live a married life. You just chained a tiger to yourself and fed him grass against meat. But its not your fault cause you didn't know about future. So i would suggest you to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2012): Hi. I remember you posting about this problem a few weeks ago. If he knows his understanding of why you want to leave is needed BEFORE you go and you know he is never going to admit that he understands.....you have stalemate!
He wont understand, so you wont leave. You could go on like that for ever. Why dont you just leave and write him a note explaining?
He might sum up the energy to throw a major hissy now and then but if he really cared about keeping you, he would lose the smart mouth, get off his butt and start pulling his weight. As it is he just has to scream until he makes himself sick and you stay. With respect, you seem to be codependants.
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A
female
reader, moan a lots wife +, writes (18 December 2012):
That is the problem really. I sincerely believe he is unhinged . Prior to marrying he wasnt like this, not ever.
And friends and colleagues who knew us both hadnt picked up on anything amiss with him. Therefore I think it was only the realization his single mans life of sailing off into the wild blue yonder would be severely clipped.
looking back I should have realized he was different but thats what attracted me to him. He wasnt dating truck loads of women, didnt speak disparagingly of the female gender. To all intent and purposes he was too good to miss. Now I wished I had of missed the train all together..
No, I have no fears for my safety but he should. I have done karate since my early teens :)
His voice is the only violent aspect of him but then he can be incredibly nice. Like not so long ago he offered to make me a hot drink, bought the newspaper over to me and my mobile. I didnt ask for them he just did it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I m glad we could help and be' somewhat partially your free help:).
The thing is that the only thing you left feeling for him is quilt. He is not your child, children we don't leave, but husband who you don't love anymore.
And tell you the truth his behavior of a little scared child with hysterics and vomiting really do reflect some mental illness. I never experienced anything like that in my life, and may be who knows if my husband told me tomorrow That he leaves me I would do something completely unexpected like that, but I m a woman, he is a guy, it's just hard for me to imagine a man acting like that.
I think you ll be made to support him, as a non working dependent spouse, that should help him.
I don't know , do you think he is stable enough not to hurt you when he hears your final decision? Can you kind of just disappear, I know it's a terrible advice, but I m afraid he is going to hurt you with his tantrums and all.
I would just run, I would really just run and find a place where I can stay temporarily and then make him getting used to the idea that you are not there anymore.
How would you guys split the living situation? Is he staying in a house or it's only your house?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 December 2012):
 WHY do you need him to understand why you are leaving?
what if he refuses? what if he knows you wont' leave till he understands to your satisfaction and he refuses to understand?
that's more manipulation.
he's afraid to be alone because you take care of everything including the money. You don't need to worry about that...
your concern is you and your children....
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A
female
reader, moan a lots wife +, writes (17 December 2012):
Wow, you are good! :)Thank you everyone. This is much better than the 5 months therapy I just had. Which was pretty hopeless. I came away not any further forward but $225 less each week..Correct. He doesn't drive and hasn't ever. Although thats not so much a problem. Where we live public transport is excellent. But if hes ill or needs anything asap I have to take him. Hmm, I forgot something. If I dont take him when he wants to go when he wants to go WW3 occurs.The money aspect hasn't ever been a problem for me. Crazy I know but I grew up often paying for whatever for 2 dysfunctional parents so in many ways I have been conditioned to just do it and say nothing. I do have a well paid career therefore we havent ever been short which I think he sees as meaning he doesnt need to work.I think I have stayed because I have thought for many years hes mentally unwell - I know, I am a sucker but years ago I had depression and know what that black hole feels like all to well. I suppose the difference is, I took myself of to the drs and had tests which showed I had a thyroid problem hence I turned into a depressed blob with no energy etc etc. But I did whatever I was told to and havent ever look back. Where as he denies theres anything wrong with himWhich is the bit that keeps me hooked in. Whenever I raise any concerns he will say, I am judgemental, married him for better or for worse and there is nothing normal in life so stop comparing what we have or dont have with others.I need help how to tell him its over please.last time he hyperventalated, vomited and had a major panic attack. At one stage I did persuade him to see our family doc who prescribed meds for him but hub said he didnt need them and refused to get the script.I am confident his reaction wasn't put on. He became almost manic to the point I was ready to call the psych team. Eventually he calmed down when he realised I wasnt going that night. Problem is the next morning he carried on as if nothing had happened and everything soon slipped back into the same old pattern.How do I get him to understand ? Please dont tell me he doesnt need to. Thats what my therapist kept saying.I NEED him to understand, its for me not for him. I need him to get why I am leaving.Help please, what do I say ??
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 December 2012):
IF you leave (and even if you don't) YOU are not responsible for a grown person taking care of themselves. YOU are not responsible for his care and feeding or his happiness.
You can't stay with him and his abuse because you are worried if he will survive.
If you want to try to fix it, counseling is a good start. IF he refuses to go (and he will probably refuse) then you really should consider leaving a man who does not work, does not help around the house, emotionally attacks you, and does not meaningfully contribute to the quality of your home life.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (17 December 2012):
Agree 100% w female anon below regarding male roles.
I have long said on this forum that we are a product of our evolutionary pasts. From everything you post, it looks like you are the breadwinner and your husband has been reduced to a glorified maid. I have seen this phenomenon a few times before, and it has always resulting in the following:
1 - Even if its subconsciously, the woman will lost respect for the man for not being able to provide for her.
2 - The man will sense this and resent the woman
3 - This will continue to devolve until the woman treats the man more as a pet than a partner.
4 - The two will either accept this or split.
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A
male
reader, learnNlive +, writes (17 December 2012):
Leave him - he'll get use to it. Better for you - better for him.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I would suggest you both go and see a marriage counsellor. Maybe they can help him understand what he's turned into.His life has stuck in a rut. He must get himself a job to give him back his dignity for starters. Then things can maybe develop from there.Give it one last shot before you ditch him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (17 December 2012):
 He's useless,
Buy a game system and you can replace him with a useless 20 something who will want sex.
I suppose that is cold and cynical of me to say that. I do hate to see men in general falling to this state.
If you leave him what will happen is one of two things. He will find another mommy to take care of him, possibly his original one. Or, he will get a job , grow a pair, and take care of himself. You need him to be a man. this may be the only way you can get him to do that.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This post one more time proves my theory about man's role in family.
Men need to work and be occupied otherwise they turn into little helpless boys like your husband did.
When did this situation went so far as you became a provider for him, not the other way around. What is grown capable man sitting home all day, not having a job, not doing anything in particular.
You live in US, how is it possible that he doesn't drive, doesn't he have a driving license? You drive him a round?
I would become grumpy too of I had a life a like that! You need to stop eNabling this kind of behavior and do him a favor, and leave him. He was living a life before he met you, working, traveling, doing sports, and now what did he become? Leave him as soon as possible, and may be he will become a man he once was.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 December 2012):
 The man has you wrapped around his little finger and prepared to sacrifice your life for his. He has had you as his Mummy, his lover, his provider for 18 years, contributes little and has been manipulative and abusive...and you are worried how he will survive???? SERIOUSLY????
He is perfectly adept at getting what he wants and getting someone else to provide it. What makes you think he won't be able to 'extract' from someone else when you are gone?
He isn't a child, he isn't defenseless, he is a master manipulator who knows how to use people (tears tantrums, withholding sex, shouting etc)and he has you right where he wants you even though you hold all the keys to your prison!!
You should be walking out the door today...no actually make that running!!!
You have absolutely nothing...and I do mean NOTHING to lose.
As for him....You owe him NOTHING!!!
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 So let me see if I understand....
you are unhappy.
you have been unhappy for years.
no sex.
he doesn't work but claims to be too busy to do anything.
He was at one point screaming at you.
He acts like he can't survive without you (manipulation tactic to keep you so he can still be lazy)
and again NO SEX?!?!
File for divorce, get a suitcase packed and head to the beach.
I have always been told that if you feel you would be happier alone that with someone than it is time to separate.
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