A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After 3 weeks of NC(my boyfriend needed time to get his life together!), my "boyfriend" contacted me telling me he was missing me,wanted to see me, apologized for not being around because he was going through hard times and did not want me to see him depressed( he is an alcoholic!)...etc...asked me out to dinner on saturday. I said yes! Saturday comes around and I get a text ( not even a phone call!) telling me that he needs to cancel the date because he is sick( drunk rather..id assume!) and that sunday would be better! I replied to him to that i was sorry to hear that and hoped he felt better but sunday i had plans and i was not available but to call me when he feels better !...he did not respond! My question is that I would love to send him a letter letting him know how i really feel about him...not sure if he knows since i tend to hide my feelings for the most part. ( i really fell for the guy and wants to be there for him in his journey against alcoholism!) ...During our phone conversation he really made it clear( I think!) that he cares a lot for me and wants to be with me and i believe i should do the same! Do you think it is a good idea? or should i let him contact me when he feels better! Need advice...Thanks..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, suey  +, writes (26 February 2012):
I know how you feel you are really into this man and you feel that with your help he will kick the habit. I know because I have been in exactly the same place. I also know this is not what you want to hear. Please read my question 'This is my reality how do others cope'. I have split up with him because being with him was destroying me, I have tried so often, given him another chance after he promise to change. The reality is he will say anything to get what he wants. My advice to you is get out before you are destroyed by his drinking. Sorry its not the answer you would like but that's the way it is.
Good luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Are you in Al-Anon? you need to really consider long and hard whether or not you want to be involved with an alcoholic.
I am. Until they are in recovery and not drinking, their behavior will be colored by alcohol.... and it's a roller coaster ride I do NOT recommend for anyone.
IF you want to tell him how you feel you can. He's not going to change any of his behavior based on what you say or do.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself...
write the letter.
tell him how you feel
and tell him you will be there AFTER he is clean and sober and in recovery.
then walk away.
do not wait for him it might take him years to get clean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): Im sorry to tell you this but I think if you get involved with this man it will always be an emotional roller-coaster for you. My parents were both alcoholics and believe me I know that you cannot know what to expect from one minute to the next. Cancelling your date at the last minute like that does not show any great commitment, if he is sick he will know this earlier in the day maybe even the day before, and yes you are right he is most probably drunk. Do you want this type of lifstyle for yourself? Its an impoverished one. Sorry to be so harsh but I know this from experience. I hope I have helped you x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): The concern I would have about an addict is if he also struggles with other addictions, sex, serial cheating behaviours, drugs, gambling, excessive spending.Addicts are not very responsible OR accountable in their actions and in their apathy, cause more distress, pain, traums to those in their close relationships, especially romantic/long term/marriage relationships.The Other thing about addictions, may also indicate personality disorders that may be present.EXAMPLE: Sociopaths are often charmers, emotionally unreliable and/or available, use and abuse others, have no remorse/empathy.Already he is neglectful and only available for companionship so long as he gets something from it. Shows he is highly self serving.I say, currently there is no relationship. Unexplained silences are abusive. This is NOT healthy communication.I think it folly to expect this man to behave healthy, reliable, stable, loving anytime soon with out consistant counselling and attendance in an addictions recovery program.I would deem him not someone to date that will aid you in happiness.
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