A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I saw this site on the interent so thought i would message in as i dont really know who i can talk to and i am starting to wonder if it is me with a problem, rather than others. I am really worrying about my future now but i dont seem to have any answers. Basically the relationship i am half in at the moment with a guy who told me after a few years of being with him that he feels he is female. Therefore he is wanting to dress in womens clothing on a regular basis. He doesnt feel desperate needs to transition, but needs to indulge in femineity regularly. He doesnt really like anything that is masculine. We have been trying to work through it, and he is constantly crying out for acceptance as female rather than male. I have taken a step back now for a while as in being in an intermate relationship with him because it is males i am attracted too. He drinks heavily too because of his issues which has pushed me away even more but am still there for him regardless. I have now put him in touch with a councellor that specialises in gender issues as hopefully this will help him. In the mean time i have been trying to move on, as i am worrying about my age im 33, i want to settle down and have a family. And i am really upset i do not have this life already. I have met someone else, started off as a friendship and it has grown, the only problem is he 16 years older than me, 49. He has had children, he says to me he knows i want them but he isnt sure he could do it all again, but he may be prepared to try. But with this person, other things are not right, ie he hardly shows me any affection, i will text him, he just wont reply, you know the little things that make you think, well if he were really into me, i would be in he thoughts for him to contact me. Anyway long story short, i really want to have children, the one that feels he is feamle, i think i know he would always be loyal, if i were to text him, id definatley get a reply, a small thing i know but im hoping you get my point. and i also know he would treat me well. I ask him, well if we had children and the children would see him dressed up as a women then what? he says it doesnt matter as long as the children are loved. He asks me, can i not love him for who he is and why does it matter what he is wearing. I answer with i am attracted to males, he will say, and i will ask could he be with a man, he will answer, no! he will say to me he is still the same person that i fell in love with regardless of what he is wearing. He has a bit of an attitude as well though as in, i should open my eyes a little more and stop being so narrow minded. He says he really feels with a bit of acceptance from the people around him, and me, he thinks we could be happy. I think to myself, imagine if the door bell goes, some friends have turned up to see us, he is in a dress! But then i think, does it matter what he is wearing and who cares what others think. But, i think it matters, am i not seeing something?? Part of me is tired with it and im seeing now how hard it is meet someone else, Should i just be with him no matter what and think myself lukcy i have someone there that will love me and have a family with me. The 49 year old, seems like he has issues too, somethings not right but i dunno what it is with him. Seems like he can take me or leave me. I think he has had too much heart ache maybe and done with relationships that hes just not bothered. This is why i think if i dont make a move forward i will end up being on my own and never having children. And that will be a very sad ending for me! My parents worry to death as they say they want to see me settled before they go and i know this upsets them. I see other people that are single, ie women that are in there 40's etc and they all seem bitter, then there men you see that are still on there on, and this is sometimes because they have been on there own too long and stuck in there own ways too much too change. There is me not wanting for much in life but not knowing what to do for the best.......
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): Thank you everyone for your comments.You know what i keep thinking to myself, Eventually when you have been with someone years the attraction does die of doesnt it to a certain extent, and its friendship that is whats is important. This is when i am fighting with my own mind and can understand it when he says love me for who i am. im still the same person. He says i am narrow minded. In fact had a conversation with him this morning and i said to him, i need to move on because he cant give me what i want and visa versa. He then said he really thinks a compromise would work, if he could have a time where he could dress occasioanlly and i accepted it and our friends did he says he thinks we could have the best and strongest relationship. When he dresses he also tries to change his voice as well. But surely tho, if its as serious as he feels he is female 'at times' he will say, then surely a compromise would not work would it? Or he would be unhappy and resentful at times wouldnt he??
A
female
reader, malvern + ♥, writes (25 July 2013):
 Pack your bags and move on. Neither of these men are suitable so don't waste anymore of your life on them. It is far better to be on your own than be stuck with somebody who does not make you happy. Have you tried internet dating because maybe you should give it a go. Also try to get an interest where you can hopefully meet other people such as a sport, a class, dancing (ceroc dancing, also known as French jive, is a massive singles pastime where you can go along on your own), walking groups etc.etc. I really hope you meet somebody lovely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): You are dealing with a man with gender identity disorder.
Why would you waste your time trying to adjust to a situation that is clearly nowhere near what you want in your life?
How could you want someone who is so clearly confused and mentally disturbed? Not because he wishes to be a women; but because he struggles with his gender identity and resorts to alcohol for self-medication. He is in a crisis.
He is expecting you to forgo of all your own personal values to accept his bazaar life-style. You would best serve him as a support system in a platonic relationship.
He has a long road ahead him before he can get gender re-assignment. It will require a year of psychological therapy, taking hormonal injections, and dressing like a female in public. He has to deal with family and professional issues. They will only add to his anxiety.
It will cost thousands of dollars.
I am gay. I've met and talked in great length to some transgendered women in our community. If you are attracted to men, how would he satisfy your needs? In time, he may plan to remove his penis; and live the remainder of his life as a trans-gendered female. I do no believe you would emotionally survive all this. So your post makes little sense. Either you are extremely naive or you just don't have a clue what you're dealing with.
Please go find yourself a man who is pleased with his gender. Someone willing to share a life you are more emotionally and psychologically prepared to live.
You deserve to have a man who enjoys being a man. Has no substance-abuse problems, and is in control of his psychological facilities to the degree he can function without causing you distress or pain.
The man you describe in your post must seek someone after he has made his transition. Someone who will accept him as he will be in the future. He will no longer physically be who he is now. He hates being male, and wishes to change not only his gender; but he wishes to change how he lives out the rest of his life. It doesn't include any of the things you want. It's all about him, not you.
Many male to female transgendered people you've read about make claim to be heterosexual. I've been gay for a long time, and I've yet to meet one. I'll keep looking. If they are attracted to women, and have no penis, they aren't looking for the typical heterosexual woman. Let's just leave it at that.
Be as supportive as you can. Don't give up anything you deserve to make someone else happy. You are responsible for your own happiness, so is he.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (25 July 2013):
 There are more than two men in the world, you know. You don't have to settle for either of the two guys that you mentioned.There's nothing wrong with being with a female-identified man unless you personally are not comfortable with it. Sounds like you aren't comfortable with it at all, so I say move along.As for the older gentleman, he's not going to conceive children with you. I mean, he could, but it's not as likely and it would increase the chance that the child you birth has a mental or physical disorder (which I suppose isn't the worst thing in the world).I know you want to hurry up and settle down because you're in your 30s, but I say that it's better to wait and find someone who'll give you what you want and be around for the long haul than to settle and find yourself dissatisfied and unfulfilled down the road.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): Stop settling. If kids are what u want make a baby. If a stable home is what u want then u don't have an option with the two. I don't think u should wait around on the 49yo to want another child. N I doubt u will be happy if u stayed with the cross dresser. Just move on from them both.
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