A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a married man for now a year. I am married but been seperated. It started as a fling. Then we fell in love with each other. His wife found out in May but he has continued to still see me. The thing is i am in my 40s and he is 50s so we are not teenagers and yes should know better. In july he told his wife that he was moving out and we both went looking at flats as i kept saying that i didnt want him to move in with me straight away. Then he backed down saying about his children. We still kept seeing each other. They went to the maldives in October and every day he texed me. She found out again. When they got back He moved in with me for one night then went back saying he had to go back because of is children who are 23 and 22. The following day, it was like the last few days had not happened. I went to london with him overnight. We still continue to see each other every day but not weekends. Today he contacted me to say he was coming around and said he loved me and wanted me, could i wait until after Christmas. The thing is last sunday/monday i nearly lost my daugther and realise i had no one to turn to. I set a date in my mind that if this guy is not with by then i should move on without him. The trouble is each time i have tried to end the following day i want him. To make things worse, we work for the same place but different departments. Should i say to him or keep it to myself. Friends keep saying he is having his cake and eating it. I Love him but not sure if its enough.
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christmas, fell in love, married man, move on, moved in Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 To the OP: Sorry, but I laughed out loud when the guy told you he moved home for his 22 & 23 year old "kids". That has to be the lamest--and funniest--excuse I've heard. What will his excuse after Christmas be, "I can't leave because I miss my goldfish"?
Anyway, back to the original question, there's no need to issue an ultimatum because he's already made up his mind. He hasn't left his wife yet and he's not going to.
You may love him, but does he make you feel loved? If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you. This man can't be with you when you need him--actually, he can't be with you at all because of his kids, his goldfish or whatever excuse he'll continue to come up with. Take back your self-respect and move on.
And Anon (6 December) you're my hero! I love how you flipped the script and didn't allow yourself to be victimized by this man. Good for you and your kids are lucky to have such a smart, strong Mom.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): To answer you: when I eventually dumped my husband he took his gun, held it to his head for two hours while threatening all sorts. So I had to pretend to take him back again and pretend I wanted to work it out. But a few days later I said to him that the only way I would be prepared to save the marriage, was if he moved out for 2 weeks to give me some space to think (ha ha)! Then when he was safely out I turned the tables and said if he ever came back I would kill myself and the k... Ofcourse I don't mean it but he only understands extremes and not normal calm behaviour!!!! Talk about messed up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): “A reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): why can't you find your own man? I......” WOW, you had balls girl. So glad that you got rid of that misery in your life after all. How did he feel when YOU eventually got rid of him?? I wish more wives would be strong enough to confront the mistress and her hb and make him choose. You did well. i am sure you are now happy without him. Take care.To the OP, 3 guesses what he is telling his wife about you. Please grow a conscience and grow some morals and see that this man is just using you for sex. The sad thing is you have so little self esteem that you accept the crumbs/scraps he throws at you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): why can't you find your own man? I had my husband's bitch in my face for 3 years. The bitch just wouldn't let go of him. My husband told me repeatedly that she was nothing to him. When he was home, he vowed he would never let me leavehim and threatened to kill himself if I ever tried to leave. I'm sure he told her tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow like this guy tells you. I finally asked her to meet me to clear it up because we were both being lied to. We then called him (it has to be a surprise or he won't come). We asked him to choose and duh, he chose me his wife. In front of the bitch I said asked are you choosing me for me or are you chosing because of the kids? I asked several questions like this so that he couldn't later try lie to the bitch that I was holding the kids/house/joint account' ransom. That's when the bitch woke up. Ofcourse I further had the pleasure of dumping this man later but my point is: move on. He don't want you for anything except sex. Find your man who can value your commitment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): Hope your daughter is o.k. now.His children are not children anymore, they could have their own children. It's a an excuse for him not to leave his family. He likes the way it is, for u it's obviosly not enough.It doesn't look like he will leave his wife, ultimatums never worked.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Sure issue the ultimatum, but be prepared for nothing to change.
This man has already demonstrated quite clearly he is not prepared to leave his wife, his children or his marriage for you. And why should he, you just keep on doing the same old things as ever.
His wife seems to be sitting it out, if I had to put money on which of you he ends up with through his old age, it would be her!
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