A
female
age
36-40,
*uv2BinLuv
writes:I'm hoping that someone can provide some words of wisdom... It's been one year since I got out of a terrible relationship where the person was a constant liar. I'm in a new relationship but it's long distance and so we only see each other on the weekends. When pool is involved he just forgets about everything else and when we speak he'll say that he was home the whole time, sleeping, or didn't hear the phone. I know it's a lie because I called him at home and his family members told me he wasn't home. Lying has such an emotional effect on me and whether it's something minor/major it effects me the same way. I've spoken to him about my feelings and have even told him that we need to break up. Things have been great but I feel like I'm being given signs to get out. I don't want to tell him not to play pool but I do want him to be considerate of my feelings. Please help...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): I'd say it would be different if he were just negligent of your feelings but was honest about his whereabouts. Then you'd have grounds to work it out and likely the problem would just be that you both have two different ideas of what your relationship requires.
Still the fact that you call and his family says he is out and then he lies? You can handle this in one of a few ways:
1) Dump his lying butt.
2) Only call when it's convenient for you and when you do call and his family says he isn't home be very polite and abuse phone etiquette to the maximum of your abilities. Ask them what their name is and ask them if they knew where he went and about how long he might be gone. WRITE IT DOWN. (So you don't forget later and misspeak.) If they say they aren't sure where he went or how long he will be gone or if they say he's gone out to pool or whatever and will be gone for more than 2 hours ask them to take a message for him. Give them your name and phone number. Spell it if you have to! And be sure to ask them to specifically ask him to call you. Most family members won't have a problem with this. If he will be gone for under 2 hours then tell them your name and say you will call again in an hour and be very polite! If you say you will call in an hour, do so. If he is still gone then leave the message. Once that is done: DO. NOT. CALL. AGAIN. Give him 24 hours to get the message and have time to call you back. If he does not call back then you can call again and repeat the process. After 2 days of calling and no answer, however, I'd suggest going back to option 1.
This takes the power out of his hands and leaves him with little room to lie. Sure he could say he is asleep and that's fine... maybe his brother doesn't know that he is asleep upstairs and mistakenly told you he was out! Anything is possible but he had plenty of time to call you back and not doing so would be on him, then. No one else.
3) Don't ask what he is doing so often. Men don't like that. It's stupid because it honestly doesn't matter and most of the time you are probably curious but they take it as some sort of control issue. Just call to talk to him. Don't call to ask what he was doing the other day. If he never volunteers any sort of information, however, see option 1.
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (27 April 2010):
 i think you need to get your issues in order. a relationship doesnt go far without trust! and that is something you are lacking in and it isnt a wonder with a compulsive liar. you have to either accept it or move on.im not saying its easy i know personally but your relationship will get stale if you keep accusing him of doing things or not having a little freedom its like your keeping tabs on him and that isnt fair because he is not your ex so dont paint him with the same brush. i think if you cant trust him or any guy then leave and get yourself sorted out before considering relationships. if not stay and work it out but you have to do alot of work in order to keep a relationship going, just because he knows of your prior experiences doesnt mean he pulls out the red carpet and calls you every hour so you know were he is. you have to trust him or move on. i wish you all the best good luck aphex xx
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (27 April 2010):
The problem is not him playing pool. Asking him to stop will not help anything. The problem is he doesn't want to tell you the truth. If the truth is he's playing pool when he's not answering your phone call, then he either doesn't want to interrupt his game or thinks you will be upset if you know the truth. I think it's normal to be sensitive about being lied to. Tell him you don't want to change him or make him stop doing anything, you just want to be honest and open with each other. Also, it's my personal opinion that excessive time on the phone in a long-distance relationship is a bit of a chore, so consider giving him some space in that regard.
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