A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have a condition called delayed PTSD. I started showing symptoms of it with one of my ex's when we were dating.( I think that's when it started, not sure, maybe earlier before we were dating.) Now that I am married and have been for 11 months, I feel bad for how I treated my ex. I didn't really give him much of a chance. He used to drive to my house when I was upset and he was two hours away. I would always ask him questions like, were you trying to touch my butt, were you trying to put your tongue in my mouth, etc. etc. Then at one and a half months I dumped him, because he asked me if I wanted to take a shower with him. I know that I was scared, and had been through some stuff, even recently before I met him, but I dont feel like I truly recognized him for the unique and truly wonderful individual that he was. I was crying tonight because he truly was a romantic and caring individual and maybe I just didn't realize it at the time. I don't think that he was perfect. When we weren't going out he invited me to his school when he was going out with someone else. Idk if he was trying to get me and her to fight over him or what, but needless to say I didn't show up. We are both married to different people now, and I love my husband, but I feel like some loose ends need to be tied up, especially now, since this guy is likely serving in the military by now. However, I am insecure and I won't let my man contact his ex's, so why should I have any right to contact mine? What should I do? Should I just wait till I die when I am old and see my ex in Heaven to tie up the loose ends, or should I ask my husband if it is alright if I send my ex a message to tie up the loose ends? I would never cheat on my husband, I just feel like I missed out on a really great person, and I would like to tell this person so, and apologize for making them feel like they weren't worth trusting. I'm not really sure what I want to do. If I knew then, what I know now, me and him could've worked on my PTSD. (Now I am trying to work on it with my husband.) So Idk if I should apologize or not. Sometimes it seems like I am maturing, then other times it seems like I am taking two steps back. Sometimes I miss him. At one point, we were even engaged. (I know, one and a half months of going out is no time to be engaged to someone.) Should I apologize to my ex or not? Was ignorance an excuse for what I did? Are some parts of PTSD uncontrollable, where as other parts I could've tried to tone down a bit, or parts that would've eventually worked themselves out in the end? I called up a place for therapy recently, but they said they were full. It was an affordable place too. I get so busy with work and other things in life that sometimes it feels like I don't have any time to work on myself or this condition, and sometimes I just don't want to, because it's too painful. I just keep trying to bury and bury, but the symptoms are still there. The PTSD comes from sexual abuse different times by different people, up until I was seventeen. I am 22 now. Thanks for listening/reading.
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engaged, his ex, insecure, military, my ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pepper27  + ♥, writes (22 June 2009):
 Hi Hun
Im glad you got some help and you have sent your message, I do hope you feel better very soon WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS MANDY XXXXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. I sent my ex a message on facebook apologizing, and I tried to choose my words carefully.
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A
female
reader, Starlights + ♥, writes (21 June 2009):
 yes apologize to your ex, it would lift the burden from you, and set you free a little.
Dont be hard on yourself you acted the way you did at that time, you cant change the past, you can only look to seek help for yourself and grow stronger as a person.
you must work on yourself, burying the pains wont make it go away, your still young and deserve the best in life.
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A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (21 June 2009):
 I definitely think you should apologise to your ex! Talk to your husband about the situation but you dont need his permission to do it! It will clear your head alot and also allow your ex to understand what went wrong!
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (21 June 2009):
 If this is a source of stress and conflict for you, then you should act on this impulse. The lack of closure will interfere with moving past the PTSD. I wonder why this is an issue for you. It seems that your concern for him is disproportionate. You may be a really nice person that is mortified by the way you treated this guy, or you may be manifesting some attraction to him that should not be acted on. So you must be upfront with your husband about what you feel motivates you, as well as doing a candid inventory of yourself and making sure this is not the beginning of more impulsive behavior from you and your PTSD. Give your husband full disclosure of everything and let him be the final judge of you keeping actions appropriate and maintaining a respectful boundary between this guy and you. Maybe set some guidelines going in. Meet him one time and never again. Or even let your husband come with you. Anything to insure that your impulses don't go unchecked. The history you have described doesn't give a lot of confidence that you have this under control. This is a new thing for you and I think you may be thinking that you will be able to judge and monitor your own progress. But by definition these disorders are marked by illogical thinking and self deception. Your mind can tell you what you want to hear, what seems to be rational thought, while it launches you into complete chaos. These are things to discuss with your therapist but I don't get the vibe that there is one. So if you are trying to do this without a professional, at least bounce everything off your husband and listen to what he says. He may not be a therapist but he can recognize divergence into a self destructive pattern long before you will be able to see it in your self.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 + ♥, writes (21 June 2009):
Hi Hunny
I understand how you feel as Ive had post traumatic stress for quite awhile now, and yes it does get better much! much! better..It really does I feel so different now than I did yrs ago..Im happy now love, I hope this gives you some hope as I no how very very bad this can and will make you feel.
It takes alot of understanding not only from others but also from yourself..And sometimes we do things we dont understand because of this..Id never go out of my way to hurt someone but when you have been abused be it sexually, Violently, or even mentally. Your whole inner self is protecting you sweetheart....You are going through these guilty feelings because as you said you no certain things were not right and you wish to put them at peace within...Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel sweetheart? If this is really important to you and it obviously is then you need some peace of mind, Unless you do this your mind will just play on it...And I no what its like to feel as if you have hurt someone without meaning to, If this will help with your treatment and your well being then yes tie those loose ends up. Dont do it behind your husbands back hunny talk with him as once you have sorted that problem out there may be another one in your head because you feel guilt at doing it without your husband by your side, That could cause more problems for you than you need right now...If you need a chat message me PLEASE TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (21 June 2009):
 You're welcome sweetheart, I'm more than happy to help!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your awesome advice. :-)
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (21 June 2009):
I think you should apologize to your ex. Not only would you feel better but I think your ex would probably get some good closure to.
Definitely talk to your husband about it. I don't think you would really need to "ask for permission" from him, but you should certainly tell him why you want to talk to your ex.
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