A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear everyone, I grow up in a dysfunctional family, where the root start from my own parents. I will try my best to make this short. Everyone hates me even im helping everyone, that include my parents too. Since young about 10 years old im already finding a way to help my parents financially by me sailing any things just to earn money that im able to put food on a table. Till i grow up and have my own children, still im able to help them. THEM, meaning all of them, bothers sisters and parents, they never, ever as in NEVER even a single word to great me a birthday or christmas or if im ok, nothing for 39 years of my life. They dont even care if im ill or if im in a hospital but when they need financial matters, the first name coming to their head is my name. But even they are doing that, im still able to help them without any hesitation, because i love them and i want them to love me too, to treat me also like their family, im doing my best that im begging for their love, but it didnt help at all. Im still just a bank when they need money. But now, i my self having also a problem now with my health plus im dealing now with the lawyers matters. I have a panic attack because im having my own problem now, im not strong anymore like before im also now weak. And i need to concentrate with my own problem now. But then for 1 week my brother got into hospital. Yes he is badly ill. He is 39 years old now but all his life all he do is drink alcohol and smoke cegarette. And again, my mother call me again for financiall help. I am now at the stage that already tired of this all emotional abuse. I help all of them, all their life but this brother and sister they had fun of parties, left and right friends and all they do is hate me, and now again for so many times that they are in trouble again, they remember me again. Should i feel guilty because i dont feel and i am not now capable of helping them? I know and i understand their situations but what about me? I am not being selfish here now, but now i need to be carefull with my health too and i need to be aware with my finance too now because of my issues with my lawyers matters. Yes i can be honest, i can help again a little why not. But my hearts telling me, why? After all what they did to me, why should i again? I know my brother is in cretic situations now, i feel so much pity to him, but what about me? Im 6,419 miles far away from them. They are in asia and i am in europe. If something happen to me, they are zero help to me. Am i that bad now? Please help me ease my thought. My brothers and sister even manage to erase me in their system,they even told me long time ago, im not their sister anymore. I have 3 apartments before and the income of this apartments goes to them too, im not touching that money, and then they sold it after 20 years ( my 3 apartments ) and use the money on their own needs, they sold my parents 5 apartments and use it to their own parties, they told to my mother i should not be a part of my parents property because im anyway have my own property, but for me thats fine, if that makes them happy then its fine. I forgive them many times, but they got use to just treat me like im a piece of sh*t. That when they need a vacuum cleaner to clean their problems they will just grab me and use me thats all. This Dysfunktional family has a big drama and issues that i can not handle anymore. I need my peace of mind, but this now with my brother is about life and death matters. Even i help them financially, it does not mean that my brother will, well i pray to god that he will over come this, but no one knows whats gonna happen. I dont know anymore what shall i do and what shall i think about this, i need your advice please... thank you everyone for advance...
View related questions:
christmas, emotionally abusive, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): hi everyone, i am the one who wrote this post. I would like to thank you all for all nicest and courages response. By the Word buying love, i am not sure about it. I was working hard to help my parents not because i am trying to buy their love, im doing it because i really wanna help them all and just hoping a little consideration that hey" im still their daughter/ sibling. It took me 30 years of my life to accept the fact that this not gonna happen anymore. Its just now that they are asking again a help and i cant afford to help them now because me my self is now sick and financially not that much stable now. I still feel pity to my brother now that he is very sick. Since im used to help them ever since, now that i can not do it, somehow i feel bad about it. Thank you so much Honeypie, wiseowle for those inspiring advice it really help me and also to some anonymous for giving an effort to write your thoughts about it, really appreciate you all.. thank you all ??????
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2020): You may be a grown man but you have a lot of growing up to do. You think you can buy respect and love, the reason you give money to your family is in the hope of receiving it.Surely you can see this just makes you weak, desperate and gullible. It has not worked so far so it never will.They say if you do something silly once it is just one of those things, if you do the same silly thing twice you should stop and think, but if you keep doing it over and over again expecting a better result you are a fool.The fact that you crave your family's thanks, love and respect is what makes you weak. You should know by now that you will never have it and it is not worth having.Your family are not poor! They have more money than most and if they want more they can do as most do and work harder and/or smarter. You will find that people who have to pay their own way in the World tend to be more careful with money. People who have to go without one thing to pay for another think twice. When you give them them you enable them to continue to be stupid and make bad choices and waste it. How is it helping them to enable them to continue to be stupid with money by giving them more each time they ask for it? It is only when they have to pay for their mistakes out of their own money and think twice before they spend that they learn.You are being weak and you are helping them to be immature and weak too!I had an abusive family - they would only come to me when they wanted money, help, lots of time and all sorts.Very often the most ridiculous asks you can think of that would have left me homeless or starving while I sacrificed this or that for them. The solution was to open my eyes and see them for what they were, to grow a backbone and say no. To be my own person and make my own way in the World alone, because I would travel further then than I would if I had them clinging to me and pulling me back to their level to be their slave.One of the things that nobody else here has said - so far - and which concerns me is that you have a wife and children. How do they feel about you giving money to nasty people who do not deserve it , money that could have and maybe should have gone to them? Surely every time you give money to your brother or whoever that is money you should have spent on your home or your partner or your real family, those who care about you? Is it really your money to give? Do you treat your wife and kids the same? Trying to buy their love? Do you give and give to them and then get upset if they do not say the right thing as payment? Or do they go without because you keep returning to be tortured and used by your nasty family?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): Typo correction:
"You can no longer help your parents either."
*They want you to help your brother? What do they do to help you, or make the others treat you right?
You've convinced yourself sending money will keep your brother alive. I think you should think long and hard about that. Otherwise, you're wasting time asking for our advice; if you're totally convinced that is the case. I truly hope you know for sure he's ill, and this isn't just what you're being told without any proof; or you haven't actually been in-touch with the hospital where he's being treated.
Ask for copies of his medical bills before you send another cent!!!
Know what you're paying for, and why you're paying it! It could be a scam!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): P.S.
Your parents will pour-on the guilt about your brother. They have all told you where you stand with them. Guilt is remorse for doing something you know you've done wrong. You've done nothing wrong, and you shouldn't feel any guilt. You've done your share. Let them help each-other. You can no longer help you parents either. They may have to seek help from charity or through social services. If you were unemployed, what would they do?
When you are shut-off and shut-out of your family until they need money; they still don't consider you family, they consider you a fool. They know you'll give it, and all they have to do is bully you or treat you poorly; and you'll desperately do anything to make them like you. Why reward them for that?
You've done all you can do. Now feel good about what you've done for them in the past; and then consider how you were treated, even when you gave until it hurts.
Your bribes haven't worked thus far. Truth is, they would find money another way if they had to. You're gone from kindness to being a sucker. This is where the gravy-train comes to a stop.
Please take good care of yourself. Save your money for hard-times.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): You are a kind, generous, and good-hearted person. You don't have the heart to say no; because there is a powerful humanitarian side of you that won't let you turn your back on family. It bothers you to wonder what would happen if you refused to help?
At this point, your failing health says NO! You must say no, and let the chips fall where they may!
You have to weigh the situation, and consider how much will it hurt you to help them?
They reject you, and have told you that you are not their sister. You are attempting to bribe them into loving you. You are experienced enough this far along in life to know that money can't by love! It only entices people to use you. They are taking advantage of your kindness, and almost doing it to bring you to the point of financial-ruin. I think they envy you, and they purposely guilt you into giving money. They spitefully use you!
You can't afford to help them now, and commonsense alone should have brought you to that conclusion. I think you're pushing it a bit with the goody two-shoes act of trying to be everyone's savior; when they're almost mocking you to your face. You don't give until you're a fool; you give because you can, and when you can. Without causing yourself financial-distress. In this situation, giving now has to stop.
I'll end my response with this. What will they do if you're too sick to work or become disabled? Whom will they turn to? Whom can you turn to?
Did you really need a group of anonymous strangers to tell you what your own commonsense could tell you, sweetheart?
God bless you for your kindness, and your sweet soul. Even the good Lord would understand the reasoning that you have to cease helping; because you are unable to keep-up with all the demands for your income from people who show you no love or appreciation.
It is now time to stop. Take care of yourself. Put money aside for a rainy-day; and take care of your own health.
You have fulfilled your family-responsibilities; and you have been told you are no longer a part of their family. Then let them seek help from social services.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): If your brother smokes and drinks a lot he does not need money from other people, he has more than most.
You cannot buy a person's love. You gave them money in the hope they would think more of you and love you more - it did not work - now you are upset.
Either continue to give, knowing this, or stop giving.
But if you then go without or are miserable remember it is down to your poor choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): In a nutshell - NO.No one can ask you to help them and ruin yourself. If they do, they do not mean you well. Just because they are family, it doesn't mean that you need to put up with any form of abuse. Their love is conditional (bedingte Liebe) - they love you if you are nice to them, send them money and never say no. That is NOT love, it's a business arrangement and in a business arrangement all the parties should have something getting out of it - you are getting nothing. I too live in another country. My husband and I left our home looking for a better life. My parents have been dead for a long time, so we have been financially helping out my husband's mother. There are times when she's not happy with how much we send her. I listen to her BUT I don't let her get to me. I KNOW that we're sending her what we can afford. There were times, when we couldn't send her anything for a couple of months. And we didn't feel guilty, because we honestly couldn't. Like you, I had health issues and my husband had legal fees to cover. I know that life is hard and that many, so many people, do not have real control over their lives, they live in poverty and don't have access to education. You family doesn't sound like they're in a dire situation. They sound responsible for their own misfortune to a great extent. Having sold all those apartments and still be out of money?! Come on.You need to face the truth - they care only about themselves, you are a cash cow to them.We had a couple of times a situation where friends would asks us for money, they would "soon" pay us back. Their reasoning is this: we live in a foreign country and earn more than they do (they conveniently forget that our expenses are bigger too and that we have no safety net, a part from the one we make), we surely have some money put aside we don need in our everyday lives. And yes, they are right, we do have money set aside, set aside for rainy day! So, when we tell them that we will lend them the money if they can guarantee to pay us back by a clearly defined date, NONE of them accepted it (fortunately they did not lie to us!!!) because they knew that they wouldn't be able to pay us back. But hey, we live in the West, world's our oyster! You suffer from "abused child syndrome" where you feel guilty for saying no to the abusers. You need to first "fake it till you make it", meaning that you need to tell them NO now, even before you reach a point of truly be comfortable with that. You have to intellectually know that they have been (ab)using you and refuse to consent to it, before you stop feeling the guilt. It will take time for you to accept and put everything to its place, become healthier so to speak. But until you do you need to do what is uncomfortable for you and say no. I'm speaking from experience! I had to learn to do it and sometimes I still feel uncomfortable but trust me it's better to feel some discomfort for doing the right thing than empty your account and ruin your health!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 September 2020):
 Awww OP
What a family! One thing I think you never learned was that you can't buy love. You can't MAKE people love you.
You wanted them to love you, be proud of having you as a daughter/sister but they have no respect for you, or... for themselves.
I think some of this is also cultural, if I am guessing here.
You are EXPECTED to take care of your parents. Since you don't live with them but far away, you are expected to pay for whatever is asked for. Other than that? You have no value to them. And that is sad. Regardless of whether it's partly the culture or JUST your family.
I think giving money, presents or help should ALWAYS come from a place of 1. I can afford it 2. I WANT to do this without expecting anything in return.
You did tie a sting to everything you gave them. You wanted love and respect. A little consideration. Which, I might add, I think is reasonable, up to a point. If you family is (seemingly) incapable of SHOWING love and gratitude it is naïve to expect love and gratitude.
You might also have heard of the expression, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity."
YOU can not change your family. ALL you can change is what you do about it. IF it gives you peace and a better quality of life to not get involved in their drama, then don't.
If you feel you HAVE to help, DO it, but do NOT expect anything in return.
If you can't afford to GIVE money, then don't.
YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness and YOUR life. You can't be responsible for theirs. They are ALL grown adults!
...............................
|
