A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So we have been doing fine throughout this pandemic, luckily we both have our jobs and health. part of our student loans are frozen so thats been a nice chunk of change that we dont have to pay monthly. but even then we are slowly losing money.I decided to look back at our account to see how we went over every month, i looked at what i bought, my wife bought and what we bought together (dinner, movie rentals etc..) I was shocked to see that the most i have spent was $300, a little high i ordered take out a couple times too many. But then i looked at my wife, the LEAST she has spent in the past 3 months is $1200.How do i bring up the fact that she needs to stop spending so much. i want her to see what i see because i honestly dont think she realizes that its accumulated that much. but i dont want her to feel like im against her. i dont want to punish her, just realize what happened, reel in the spending and all is well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2020): Go over the budget together, and workout cutting-down on unnecessary spending. You can't avoid arguments by waiting until things get so out of hand you'll blow a gasket!!!
Is your wife that volatile and unreasonable? Then you've got marital-problems that go beyond over-spending!
Being confined at home makes us have to figure-out creative ways of entertaining ourselves; and you can't really go anywhere. Spending money tends to be gratifying and generates a lot of dopamine! Just use tact and diplomacy when addressing touchy subjects. Don't be a coward; while you watch your bank account balance dwindle down to zeroes, and your credit cards growing digits going to the left of the decimal-point!
Stand your ground and cover your nuts when you know she's likely to go-off! You both should be keeping some money-reserves set aside for emergencies and unpredictable hard-times. Remember, deferred payments are only temporary! Interest is still accruing!
Man-up, and don't be afraid of your wife, dude! You'll be fighting and considering divorce when you're on the brink of bankruptcy!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): You need to put her on your side and not make a divide.My husband and I have a shared account. We have always shared ALL expenses, which requires compromise and agreement.We mostly see eye to eye, when we don't it's because things weren't clearly defined from the start. So BEFORE talking to her, go over your expenses and see what are those that cannot be avoided (rent, loans, bills, gas and/or transportation fees..). That's your baseline. Than add food, cleaning and hygiene products etc. and in the end your personal spending.But do not impose this on her, ask her to do the same so that you can discuss your budget together. Then compare your lists. If she is honest, she'll come to the same conclusion. If she doesn't well guide her gently.It's important that she feels a part of this and not like a child being berated by her father.My husband has a pretty rosy picture of what food expenses should be. He thinks that it's possible to eat healthy and not spend a lot of money... so from time to time he would say how I spend a lot of money on food. Instead of fighting with him, I just ask him to do the shopping, COOK the food (this is important!) and see if he'll get fat or not ;)My point is, we all have some preconceived ideas and some of them correlate with the reality, but most of them don't.Maybe your gf is spending a little bit here, a little bit there AND paying with her card or phone or Paypal... NOT cash. This makes her spending less palpable.I lost my job just before the pandemic, so what I bring in monthly is now a whole 30% less than I used to. Thankfully, we found a way to cut our expanses TOGETHER. But, it's easier, since we stay in the countryside, where we do not use much electricity and there are no shops, basically we are spending our money on food and hygiene products. Since we stocked up on food, we decided to spend ONLY 300 more dollars in October. It was my husband's idea. And right now, I can tell you that he has miscalculated (I don't want to bore you with details why), but I decided not to tell him that, because it would lead to an argument since he truly believes that it is possible AND because I too can be wrong. I will simply let life show him (or me). It serves no constructive purpose arguing about something that hasn't yet come to pass.On a nutshell, as I said, you need to put her on the same page with you. Make an allay out of her, not just "talk to her" as most people would advise. What I suggest is not manipulation, it is open communication. Communication is not just words, it's giving others space to examine the problem and come to their conclusions. It gives a good base for compromise.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (27 September 2020):
 I think you both need to sit down, draw up all of your outgoings and expenditures right down to the last penny.
You can do this in a very easy and diplomatic way, but by doing this you will both see who spends what, and how much.
She might not realize she is spending way more than you. But by sitting down together as a couple, getting it all drawn up you can both see what your spending, and your wife can make the necessary cutbacks to her spending.
I feel by approaching in this way, rather than confronting her is the best way to handle it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 September 2020):
 Sit her down and make a budget and ask her to stick to it. Go over what you two have spend in the last 6 months and build a SOLID budget.
My advice? Whatever you don't have to pay on your loans right now? SAVE that and use it to pay down your student loans, do not SPEND it on stupid stuff.
I think we are all guilty of a little "retail therapy" during the pandemic. But that doesn't mean you should be OK with her spending money like there is no tomorrow or like it's "free money" - you WILL have to pay that student loan back.
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