A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Following good advice before i have recently spent some time with my boyfriend who emigrated away from me and life in the UK 18 months ago to be in Melbourne, Oz. During my stay I tried to live as if I was living there - not doing tourist things etc - and have looked into all practical aspects whilst seeing if our relationship had a future. Now back in the UK I am left with some concerns and don't know what to do next...Our relationship started ok and the passion and deep feelings of love are still there we really have fun together and can talk for house but it was obvious there is a lot of resentment and anger towards my indecision whether to emigrate and our long time apart and whilst my boyfriend has always claimed the house he is renting was for both of us he used the 'this is my house' statement quite a few times to assert himself. I did my best during my stay to make the house more homely (it is a lovely house) buying lots of essential items and cleaning it from top to bottom (he had done very little in 18 months to it living out of just a couple of rooms and buying hardly any furniture as I would be shipping some) but I felt pretty low. I do not have enough points to get a working visa at this moment in time (although would after a course there) and, wanting to change career, think studying would be a good option. I found a course (expensive to study abroad) that I would like to do but it means relying on my boyfriend to live with and his comments have made me question whether it will work. I would be giving up my independence. During a couple of arguments he told me to get out his house and I reacted at him and slapped his face but his response was 300 fold I got some bruises one pretty huge on my hip because he threw me down on the kitchen floor then got my stuff out the wardrobe and threw it on top of me and again the 'his house' statement came up and this made me realise my vulnerability. I also get the feeling there is a lot of vulnerability from him in terms of commitment having witnessed his family split up and his parents arguments were bad - and his comments are almost like a re-run of what he has experienced as a teenager. I have suggested we go to counselling as a couple but he says he has no issues and its me that needs counselling. I have invested a lot of time and money into just considering Melbourne and having visited twice now really feel positive about living there - I would have a better life than in the UK in terms of lifestyle. However I can only get to Oz by being with my boyfriend and he was the main incentive to looking into it in the first place. My boyfriends family have also built a great deal of resentment for me for my indecision and they think I've been mucking my boyfriend about for months. I feel unwanted by them and its as if they think they he is settling for second best (I was married before). I am concerned at the level of detail my boyfriend exposes to his family about his finances as I was in the room during a couple of phone calls he made to them, they seem obsessed with what everything costs and he has also discussed some personal info about me to them regarding my finances and also my recent bout of depression which despite telling him I want him not to it is personal he continues to do - its like he likes to gossip. They also said to him that (because my boyfriend works in the mental health field) did he really want to go home to a depressive. He told me this and it really hurt. Its like I'm a social outcast when my depression was as a result of being apart and the stress of it all. I know all families are different but I am nearly 37 and my boyfriend is 32 and surely by now what we pay for what is up to us and doesn't need justifying to his family. Our private emotions are our own. It is alien to me all this gossiping.My final concern is that my boyfriend has three main male friends - ages 54, 20 and 17. I know that he has struggled to make new friends out there but during my stay I was not introduced to any of them - again I think people have been made to feel wary of me because of my absence. The 20 year old invited us as a couple to a party but then I was told at the last minute by my boyfriend that 'originally the invite was for both of us but some more people want to go now so the invitation is just for him' which I thought was rude really - so he went on his own and seemed happy to. My boyfriend has often chosen friends who are single men so it is difficult to socialise as a couple and one of the things I had said I wanted to do was to make friends with other couples our own age. He seems disinterested in doing this. The 20 year old rings my boyfriend up every night or texts and when I mentioned casually that this seemed quite a lot and is he ok or a bit lonely my boyfriend asked me where I get off criticising his friends. He is very touchy about it.We both want to make our relationship work. My boyfriend is a loving man but the cruel, coldness that comes across at times not to mention his temper really concern me and make me hold back. Nobody is perfect I know and I am not either but I don't know what to do next. To get permanent residency I would need a partner visa (a year spent with him) or a working visa (would not be able to attain this within the next 2 years)and I have to be a student in the meantime. I feel less comfy relying on a man in this situation but I have to make a decision.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Get out of this relationship NOW!!! This man sounds like a total control freak and wants everything his way. Also he is dishonest and he abuses you both physically, mentally and verbally. You can do so much better. If you want to come to Australia do it on your terms not his. There are lots of lovely guys Down Under. This man is a LOSER!
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