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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi Cupids,I have a worry that has been giving me sleepless nights for nearly three months now. All my intuition tells me not to believe my BF anymore. And try hard as I might, I find it very hard to trust him now. All started at the beginning of Dec when he was away IMS work trip to Switzerland. Another colleague from a different department was also there for the first time. I was back home, starting a new job in a new city. Everytime I would message, he would not reply and tell me he was very busy at work. But not too busy to take this girl out for dinner ( 2x in five days), show her around the city. He says it was just dinner- and while I believe that nothing happened, I don't totally trust that he was not 'wooing' her. I was also very disappointed that during the whole time he didn't find the time to ask me how my new job and office was. He also snapped at me when I told him this.Anyway, nearly three months later, I can't shake this feeling and I just can't seem to trust him again. I have told him, but his attitude is more like if I can't trust him, there's nothing he can do about it. I just don't know what to do now but would like to find some peace again for myself. Am I overreacting? Do I ignore my gut? We have been together for 4+ years but I can't shake how I feel right now. My last 5 y relationship, the ex cheated and don't know if my insecurities are creeping up. I have told him that no matter what, I would always want the truth.... What do I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 February 2016):
 Ah so there is more to the story then the initial post.
The fact that he didn't tell you about her is a red flag for me. And the fact that he UN-friended you on Facebook when he got "caught" posting those photos... is another red flag.
So yeah, if HE has a history of cheating he might be up to new tricks, and her being younger and way lower in the "ranks" might make it easier for him "woo" her.
But let's say for a second that HE might be considering cheating... WHAT do you want to do?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2016): I asked this question.
I hear both of you and agree to a certain extent. But is it okay that he took pictures of her using his phone? He never told me they hung out till I asked him- and I only found out via the picture he posted on her FB. I don't think he knew the girl and I were friends on FB. This man has a history of cheating and lying- not on me but it makes me wonder. After an argument, he also unfriended me on FB.
I don't think it was for networking. He is at quite a senior position and the girl not ( we all worked in the same firm before I moved)- and honestly I have seen him trying to engage her in conversation at work.
I can't shake this feeling though.
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A
female
reader, marrisa  +, writes (21 February 2016):
you poor thing
i think you should tell himyou are done with him.
no girl deserves to get cheated on like that .
a guy should stick to the one person and not secretly go off with other girls
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A
female
reader, wiseadvisorviv +, writes (20 February 2016):
One thing I've learned in life: always trust your gut.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (20 February 2016):
This is a very hurtful situation to be in and after 4 years plus together.At this stage it would be important to have a sit down chat with this guy and explain in detail how you are feeling.However from your letter he seems to be very casual with you over this matter,and is taking you for granted.This is a matter for the heart and the mind and it not always easy to make a decision.The questions you haveto ask yourself.[1]If his behaviour continues and you feel you cant trust him-are you going to stay in the relationship.[2]Or are you going to finish with him.Only you have the answers.But remember TIME sorts most things out.Kind regards NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2016):
I think your BF was doing what a LOT of people do when on business travel. They network. Taking her out to dinner and showing her around was a nice thing to do. Doesn't mean HE (or SHE) had ulterior motives. Someone might even have suggested that he do that to make her feel less nervous about being in a new place like that.
I think he COULD have been less abrupt with you, but maybe you came across as accusative and needy?
And yes, a partner should pay attention to their partners need for chatting about a promotion etc as well. So I have to ask was his behavior on THAT trip very different from any other time he has gone?
Does he distance himself when on trip? (in general) because I know some people do. They use a trip like that to unwind from the relationship/marriage (doesn't mean they will cheat, but they "get" to be themselves a bit).
I think maybe you two need to set some "contact rules" for when he is gone. Like if he is gone 5 days that at least ONE day out of those 5 you two make time to chat/Skype/etc.
For me personally, I think you are overreacting a bit. But I'm also a person who can do fine without being in constant contact with my spouse when he has been gone for work in the past.
If he really hasn't given you any other "clues" than taking a co-worker to dinner while away on travel, then I would think you are having a bit of an overactive imagination. Just because you ex cheated doesn't mean this guy will. Why not plan a week-end away with your BF and see how it goes?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2016): Female intuition is a strong thing....I guess I would want to know from u what he usually is like? Is it like him to be busy like this and not return your texts ect? Or to not ask about a new job etc? Because if it is, there's less evidence to support u necessary need to worry...but if it is new behaviour then yes ur gut is likely not wrong. How is he since returning? Is he using his phone more/texting etc more....are you worried about anything now? Is the going out to dinner thing something he would be expected to do on such trips?
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