A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. Everything has been going smoothly until as of late. First, her parents, even after years, still invite her ex over to their house. When I say how much this bothers me, they don't care. They say he is like a son to them.When I tell my girlfriend my dislike towards him, she gets angry with me. She gets pissed off that I hate him.Note: He has hit her before.WHen I confronted her about why me saying stuff about him bothered her, she confessed to still loving/caring for him.I love her very much. I told her it's me or him, and of course she said me. It still weighs very heavy on my heart, and in all honesty hurts. She explains how much she is sorry, and how she wishes she could forget him. I just don't know how to react. I'm torn up inside, but I know she is truly sorry. She always talks about how she wants to marry me one day. I told her as long as she has feelings for someone else, that will never happen.When we met, SHE CAME TO ME, I helped her with so much. I helped her get over a big spill of depression, and I even helped her do better in school. Yet.. she still has feelings for the asshole who hit her?I hate bringing it up to her again and again, but in all honesty that is how I feel some what better. When she acts like it never happened, it just festers inside. I have given up so much, and gave her the past 2 years of my life, to find she still has feelings for someone else.. I have never felt so crushed in my life..Should I continue to push the subject until she deals with the problem? I'm just very confused...Thanks for any suggestions.
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Her parents think of this guy like a son after he hit their daughter? Great parents, obviously their daughter doesn't mean that much to them! Small wonder she still likes the asshole, she probably identifies love with being treated like crap. Whatever, she doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve the disrespect from the two jerks that call themselves parents. Find yourself a girl that doesn't have issues. :)
A
male
reader, Anadin  +, writes (2 December 2009):
 ur in a very similar situation to me, my GF is still speaking to her ex, keeps us 2 at a distance, she says she'll never get back with him because she wont trust him.
i hope that what she says is true, and will probably show in time, it does make me insecure and she tries to speak with him and see him less.
in the meantime theres really only 2 options, put up with it or leave. i personally agree with the others, the ex factor is always a red flag, but i try to put aside my personal values because she is worth that (if the juice is worth the squeeze).
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your thoughts, it really has enlightened me hearing the different sides. I understand the marriage thing was a bit harsh to say, but I was hurt beyond words. Her parents say they like me, even say they love me sometimes, but still have no problem with him coming over. They hated me at first, they thought is was "ALL MY FAULT" she broke up with the guy they loved. I have explained to her, that a start in repairing what has been done, would be cut off contact with him 100%. If she is truly in love with me, she will have no problem with that.I know love doesn't just disappear, but I have completely forgotten about all my past "so called loves" to make sure my entire being is for her.I have thought about breaking it off, but I made a promise to her a long time ago. I promised, I would never break up with her, and I never break a promise. I'll keep this updated on what happens, for anyone who would like to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): Well, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I think you are a little more than the rebound guy if you have been with her for 2 years.
I do feel your resentment having given her two years of your life, love and attention only to have her tell you she still has feelings for her ex.
The thing is, once you really love someone, that love really never dies, but it goes buried and they broke up for a reason (he hit her) she knows she can't be together with him, he didn't make her happy.
I think her parents are being extremely unfair to her for having her ex around, how is she supposed to forget her feelings for him or the memories of the painful past if he keeps coming around.
I would simply confront her parents about it if it were me. Not saying that you should do that, I don't know what your relationship is with them, but I would make it clear that you think it is unfair to her and it is hurting her and even causing stress in her current relationship which is with you.
I think you refusing to marry her as long as she has feelings for him is sort of like making yourself superior to her and that isn't going to work in your favor. I simply wouldn't go there....and just silently put off a marriage proposal until you feel that you are on more solid ground.
I think you just need to feel more confident in yourself and take your power back. If she goes to her folks when he is there, then reward her with your distance and don't call her for a week or something like that...if you live together than find reasons to be gone and doing things without her or her permission. She has to know that she stands to lose you if she continues to put up with this from her parents, and she has no reason to be over there if they want to continue to have a relationship with him, then she needs to make it clear she will not participate by being present.
I would put that out there to her as the behavior that you need to see, no contact with him, period.
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A
male
reader, Mr Me +, writes (2 December 2009):
 I think you've just learned a lesson that I just learned a few months back: if an ex is still anywhere in the picture, bail quick! As the poster below stated, "if her heart ain't free, then she's in a relationship", and that's spoken like the truth! An ex of any sorts still hanging around is nothing but bad news. I don't care if the girl claims he is just a good friend; once the line is crossed (speaking of sexual acts, here), he is an ex.And girls love to toss out technicalities. For example, my ex's always liked to refer to her best friend as nothing more than that... a good friend. However, the two had slept together twice (well, the night of and the morning after a single night). To me, and to any guy I talk to, that constitutes an ex-relationship. However, to my exgf he was never looked at as an ex.And, to continue my story, guess what happened with me and my gf? Fought continuously about this guy being around and how unhappy I was that he was. 1 year mark she confesses she's a little confused and is basically wondering what would have been had her and the other guy started dating. So, bad stuff.All in all, no exes should be in the picture! Lesson learned; sadly it always has to come the hard way.
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A
male
reader, Confused_boi  +, writes (2 December 2009):
You know my friend?, I have been in the same situation, my ex-gf parents still wants to see the asshole who just used her for lust purposes (according to her). One day, I realized if she really loves me, she wouldn't want her ex to visit her, same as you did, I asked her if it's me or him then she says "ofcourse you cause I love you" the thing is, it feels empty, its just like a safe answer for her not to hurt my feelings, I saw the guy's picture on her drawer, one day I decided that I won't be anyone wall purposes that even though we've been going for almost 4 years and sacrificed my life for her in all her accomplishments, I know it's time for me to move on.. I cried I'll admit it, but that's my way of expressing my sadness, I told her she didn't do something wrong, I was doing the wrong thing for the past 4 years making myself believe she loved my wholeheartedly.. she told me she doesn't want to break up cause she really loves me, I know how you felt, her feelings are true but the fact is, its also true that she still has something for that guy who turns out to be a real douchebag leaving her in some place they dated before me just because she left her purse at home. You my friend are not different from me, we made mistakes before and even though you think its a mistake of letting her go, it would be stupid to just become second best to her heart, the way I felt maybe different cause I felt like she just loves me cause I can make her laugh and at the mall we saw her ex. she keeps on muttering (where is going?, I think he'll meet some girl don't you think).. its been 2 years since we broke up. she got mad at me but I accepted that, I'd rather have her mad at me than to crush me everytime we are together. She and her ex got back together and guess what, I found out that he broke her heart again, now I see her in facebook feeling sorry for herself and sending me messages that she wish she could turn back time. but not a chance, I'm now contented with my GF who is smart and pretty who cares for me the most, we bought a cat which helps us remember each other every time we're not together. If you want to save your relationship is up to you, the way I see it there is nothing wrong with what you're thinking, its really hard that way, but as for me breaking up worked perfectly fine, I can now say I found my dream girl which is much more better than the one before, the things happening to us right now is not the worse of all occasion, Its a start of growing up and enduring it to find something much better, I know 2 years is hard to let go, but what if it stayed for 4 years? and still its the same story? do you think you can let it go? being a push over is something we guys to please everyone not just girls, sometimes we make impulsive decisions that makes us look hilarious and brave at the same time, but in your case I can say if you want to stay, you'll learn the "ENDURE" part, not the "GROW" part, maybe call a cool off let her erase that guy in her mind and get back together when everything is OK. sometimes losing is much better than winning, we lose in order for us to get up and try harder the next time. Good luck to you, I know you'll make the right decision, everything you do is the right thing, if you think it that way. If you find peace in your heart about the decision you made, it just proves you made the right choice. God Bless!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 December 2009):
I agree with the post below. You're the rebound guy. My advice, no matter how hard, is to end it with her entirely and find someone who does love you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 December 2009):
 I'm sorry, but I think you are her rebound guy :( And that, truly sucks.
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