A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have a crush on this guy named zach but my friend likes him too. She is always talking about how they do the same things, which they don't! But he moved to new York but I have his phone number and Facebook but my friend has his phone number too. No offence to her but she is a bit ugly. But I have looked on other websites and before he moved he gave me all the signs that a guy likes me. I hear that he already has a girlfriend in new York but I don't know if that is true or not. Should I call him and ask him to be my long-distance boyfriend? I just don't know what to do! Please help me!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 April 2011):
 Again, what he said.I know his original post hurt OP, but it was a "slap in the face" wake up call. Cerberus' latest post explains things very well. You may not choose to believe him, but having been through similar things, I can tell you from experience he's right.Any relationship you or your BFF start with this boy is doomed to failure from the start because you can't BE together. That means you can't date, or do any real BF/GF stuff except for talk. Sure, talking makes a good connection, but a relationship needs more. You need to be together in body and spirit. Given your age, regular visits are out of the question, so logistically, how would you plan on making it work?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): It wasn't my intention to make you feel bad OP. I apologize if that's the case.
I could have been far more gentle with the tone I used but the points I made remain the same.
"We already agreed that no matter who gets him, we will always remain best friends!"
That's not how it works at all. OP you're young, I too have made these promises at your age, I'm sure everyone has. They never work out that way though. You're best friends right? So you tell each other everything? So imagine for a moment that you start dating this guy, are you going to tell her all the details of that too? You see you can't, not without hurting her anyway, every time you mention him to her, her heart will be crushed. Every time you tell her something sweet he did for you she will die a little inside from the jealousy, jealousy is a poisonous thing OP, it grows and you really can't stop it, no matter how much she may not want to feel that way she will, she will wish he was doing all those things with her and not you, she won't be able to help it but she may start to loath you. That's why I said what I did, I admit I was wrong about you caring for your friend it seems you both made an agreement on this thinking that it would be okay but it can't be. You see OP you do have to learn a lesson and so does she. You never go for a guy your friend likes, ever. Never do you let a guy come between you and your friend, she shouldn't either. If you both like a guy then guy becomes off limits to both of you, if you want to maintain your friendship that is.
So knowing you can't talk to her about him if you start dating him, without hurting her means you will not be able to talk to her about it to protect her feelings, that's what friends do right? We protect each other. That would mean she would be left out of a big part of your life, seriously if you end up dating this guy he'll be all you can think about (he probably is already) and you won't have her to talk to about it because you won't want to crush her, you won't want to see the anguish and pain in her face when sees how happy you are if that happens. So basically you will have to shut your best friend out of a big part of your life. That will put a huge strain on your friendship. It will create a distance whether you like it or not. You'll be pissed that she "can't just be happy for you" and she'll be miserable that you got with the guy.
I know you both have this notion that nothing will come between you, you're bff's and too strong a bond to break, well guys have a great way of ruining friendships if you don't take the necessary steps to protect it from them.
Okay I was wrong about the girlfriend thing but you mentioned nothing about finding out first in your question, you just asked should you ask him out anyway. My answer: No.
Now my final point LDR's don't work. They don't, there are cases that do but only really when the couple have been partners years, it's just not viable to create a long lasting long term relationship or even a bit of fun, long distance. You will never get to hold each other, never get to kiss, never get to develop any kind of physical relationship at all and that is a very important part of emotional and romantic development of a relationship. Plus you're talking about guy who has moved to a new city, with tonnes of fresh faced girls around the place and no one to grass on him should he decide to fool around with them all the while pretending to be with you. You'd have no physical intimacy, you'd have no security because you just don't know what he could be doing.
Look OP I apologize for my tone, my aim was to give you a bit of a wake up call. But I should have factored in your age and the fact you have no previous experience in this kind of thing. Trust me I was trying to help, but with a slap in the face not a hug if you know what I mean.
What your proposing is completely unworkable and it poses a massive threat to your friendship with your best friend. When you weigh all the benefits you would gain from asking him out against all the things you stand to lose, then it really is no contest. Your friendship will be screwed OP that's guaranteed and it's 99% unlikely that you could make an LDR work with a guy you've never even kissed. Think hard about this it might seem like a beautiful romantic thing to do, that will be all fun and roses but your friend will be crushed just as you would be if she got with him.
Finally the phrase "I don't mind if he gets with you because I'd rather he was with you that some other girl I don't like" and all variations of that phrase are BS, never date a guy your friend has a crush on. Just don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Hey, to this negative Comment, I don't want to end up hurting anyone, and the girl is my best friend! We already agreed that no matter who gets him, we will always remain best friends! I don't care if she is ugly or not, I do think somebody would date her. Look aren't what matter! My mom just said that she thought she was a bit ugly so im justputting down what my mom says! Plus I just found out that his girlfriend was a rumor. I dint need thy negative comment to make me feel bad. Ok yes I wanted advice but u didn't want anyone making me feel bad! If u had something bad on your mind, u shouldn't have said anything at all.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 April 2011):
I wanted to formulate a response, but Cerberus said it better than I can. So, uh, what he said!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): So you think a guy would really want to date someone who not only puts down her friends by calling them ugly and thinks she's prettier than them, doesn't care about hurting that friend by getting with a guy she really has a thing for, also doesn't care whether he has girlfriend or not, nor whether she hurts that girlfriend just to get with this guy. And to top it all off thinks doing all that horrible crap would be worth it to try out an unworkable LDR with a guy you may never see again in person.
Yeah go for it, hurt your friend and ruin your friendship, you might aswell tell her you think she's ugly too. Then go ahead and try and get a guy who already has girlfriend, so try and get him to either dump her or go behind her back with a girl he can't actually make out with or have any kind of physical intimacy with? Yeah OP that's possibly the greatest idea I've ever heard in my life. I really think you should do it, it will be a valuable lesson that you need to learn.
Of course the right thing to do would be to respect your friend, to remain loyal and faithful to that friend and not do anything to hurt her. The right thing to do would be to let this go and not think about it again and go for a guy that you can actually date. The right thing to do would be to get this idiot notion you have that a teenage boy is really going to dump his girlfriend, who he can make out with and get sexy with, to have an internet relationship with a girl that he can't. Especially a girl who care so little about her friends as to think "she shouldn't have him because she's ugly and I'm not". She needs to get herself some true friends.
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