A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dont know whether to stay with my boyfriend or not. he is really sweet when i see him in person. he has a good sense of humour , and he told me that he would wait unti l iwas ready for sex. We are both virgins, but he sems to be more confident than me about doing intimate things.We had an arguement today and i mentioned this guy who lives next door to him, i cant remember how it came into the conversation , and my byofriend said " why dont you go and shag him then ! ". shag is a slang word for sexual intercourse here in the U.K. This guy who lives next door to him had asked my boyfriend if me and him were still together, and my boyfriend said " what's it got to do with you ?. So i dont know why that guy asked that, and why my boyfriend was annoyed about it. I also said " you'd think that guys would want to be with someone liek me " and he said " what, quiet and incapable of sex ? ". it really hurt me when he said that. He has never complained about me being a quiet person before, and he isnt exactly a loudmouth himself !. He can be giddy sometimes and he has a good sense of humour, but i also have a good sense of humour, and we laugh at the same things. I said no i meant you'd think guys would want to be with someone who is polite, who isnt a big drinker, and doesnt cheat, e.t.c. He used to fancy this girl who was the complete opposite of me. She looked like the brash type. She drunk a lot and had photos on her facebook page of her in just her underwear. Anyway i got angry again said " i bet i am your last resort " and he said he only went after the other girl during a time that we were broken up and he said " you dont seem to understand that i only went after someone else because we werent together, and you're the only one i want ". And i said " i bet you're only with me because no one else would have you, and if the yhad agreed to go out with you, you would have long forgotten about me ". So, i guess what it boils down to is there are some things that we have both done that, deep down, we dont like. Also, one of his neighbours is a friend of the girl he used to fancy, and once, she asked if i was his girlfriend. He said she isnt interested in him that way, but it made me wonder why she asked ?. He also told this girl once that he would give her some tlc if she wanted. That's the one who is his neighbour, who is the friend of the otehr girl he fancied. Ok, it was ages ago when he said that , and he may have only been being friendly and flirty, but i havent forgotten it. I found some messages he had sent on facebook ages ago you see.I just dont know what to do. He thinks i'm being delusional by saying i am his last resort . Maybe i am because he puts me down sometimes, but from how much he changes, its not really surprising that i feel that way, is it ?. I want to stay with him in a way because of his sweet side, but i just cant forget how cruel he has been sometimes. he swears at me a lot too. he calles me a dumb little b**ch and says the f word a lot. and sometimes when we argue, he threatens to finish with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): ok , we have had another chat, and for now,we are still together. we are meeting on wednesday, and we are going to try and sort things out in general, and discuss the sexual issues. I'm going to mention about controlling the temper too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): at the moment he isnt speaking to me, and says its over.i'm shaking and crying again and i feel like an emotional wreck. he was swearing at me again before. this is all just because he wanted to speak to me tomorrow but i wanted him to stay online.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): i also want to add that he finishes with me a lot too. he tried to do it today,infact and i wwas shaking uncontrollably and crying, but the the next minute, he trys to act nice again . he is online right now but he has gone for something to eat so i'll see what happens when he comes back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Thanks for your replies. With him saying i am too quiet and incapable of sex, it has made me more nervous about having sex with him. I am worried about getting something wrong. I also compare myself to other women that he used to like. Also, i was bullied a lot when i was younger, and my father also had a short fuse and threatened to hit me sometimes, so i guess all of that adds to my low self esteem as well. My boyfriend reminds me of my father when he gets angry. I also think that, if he loved, me, he wouldnt have said the things he did. He said he said that about me being quiet and incapable of sex as he was being sarcastic, and the emphasis was more on the incapable of sex part. That just sounded really cruel to me.
We do argue back and forth, sometimes i start it and sometimes he does, but i dont think there is ever any excuse for violence, and i feel the same about people swearing and putting people down. He is nearly 25, i am 26, and yes, we are both virgins. I think the reason i am scared to have sex is because of my self consciousness, worries about accidentally getting pregnant, and sometimes once, we did actually try to do it but for some reason, we couldnt get him inside of me. He went mad about it, and it really upset me. I suppose he gets annoyed by my self consciousness too. I do love him as he can be very kind and considerate at times, and he has a good sense of humour, but his temper puts me off, but the, i know that no one is perfect, But, there is only so much you can take, and , like i said, maybe sometimes, we are both as bad as each other when we get angry. We have been together for three months now, but we have actually known each other for five years. We were together on and off between the year 2005 and alst year. When we were together before , it was only briefly. I'm not sure if he spoke to those other girls when we were together or not. It may have been when we were apart. There is one girl who he used to like at college, who is on his friends list on his facebook page. Once, last year, he mentioned that her relationship status ahd changed, and asked if she was ok ?. That seemed quite suspicious to me. And with the other girl he used to fancy, she went to his flat a few times, and he said she slept on his couch once and she was drunk. She was friends with his neighbour. She ahd been ona night out and lost her house keys, apparently, and his neighbour wasnt home, so she went to his flat. I found a message from him to her that said he wanted to clarify that he fancied her, but he ddint want to take advantage of her while she was drunk, and that she was only interested in him when she was drunk. He also apologised for not telling people about that he liked her, as he wanted to keep it to himself. And yet, he told me that nothing happened between them, and that she wasnt interested in him. That message seems to suggest the opposite to me. It was over a year ago when he sent that, but she went to his place a few times after that, apparently, just to use his computer, as she didnt have the internet herself at the time. This is the woman i told you about who had photos of herself in her underwear on facebook. He also once sent a message to her friend, his neighbour, and asked if she was ok. She must have been upset, and then he said " do you want any tlc from me ha ha ha ". So, even though we might not have been together then, it has still made me feel insecure. I got mad at him once because he said his neighbour, who i just mentioned, asked him if i was his girlfriend. I said i would go mad at her if she asked about me again , i guess that was my insecurity, and he siad " well then, you would get your face punched in ". And he told me not to be disrespectful to his neighbours, as he had to live there. But, i'm wondering if there was another reason behind it ?.
To the anonymous female who posted here, i am very ashamed at the way some people in my country behave. I have even often thought that my country must have a bad reputuation when people go abroad there, or when foreigners visit here. I dont understand why people behave like that here.I dont think you are oversensitive, i agree completely. I was brought up to be polite, and if my father had heard me swear infront of other people, well, i would have been in big trouble. I didnt like my father's temper, he frightened me, but on the other hand he did have some good points, and i respect the fact that he brought me up to be a decent person.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 I think the relationship has run it's course.No self respecting man would put his girl down.
He insults you and belittles you and mentally and emotionally abuses you .
Why stay around when he spews out only craps?
You either be firm about what you feel is wrong about him or you leave him for good.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 Do you continue to hurt him back? Because as laetitia said, if you are disrespectful to him in return then you are even. That would explain why he continues to call you names. In either case you could work on how you solve conflicts and how you fight. There are good ways to fight, getting out what you want to say, without resorting to name calling and under-the-belt assaults at the other.
As for pressuring you into sex, I don't see that thats what he is doing, simply based off of what you said here. How long have you been together? And he is a virgin too? How old is he? If he is an adult virgin, he clearly has been able to hold back and stay away from sex for a good while. So I don't see how someone who appears to not be so eager to have sex would be pressuring you into it. Could it be you are reading too much into his desires to once be with you? Him wanting you at one point, doesn't mean he will be forcing you. I am also thinking that the pressure you experience comes not from your boyfriend, but from yourself. Or perhaps you feel society pressuring you, and then you read this pressure in everything your boyfriend says without him really being the cause. Just a theory. May I ask why you want to remain a virgin? You know your boyfriend isn't wrong, if you love someone, and you are mature enough to have sex, it is natural to take that step and be intimate. Don't refer that to simple sex though, it is love-making. And it is only natural for him to want to be that close to the woman he apparently loves!
Best of luck, and again... do you love this man? I wouldn't advice your virginity to come in the way of love. After all, the advice we all like to give on here is that you should wait until you are in love, and with someone who loves you back, before you have sex. Now you have found that. So why are you holding back? Use a condom and birth-control and you will be safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Thanks for your replies. I'm angry about him saying i should have sex with his neighbour too, and i guess my self esteem is low when i think about the other girl he fancied, when i think how different she was to me, and it really hurt me when he mentioned me being quiet and incapable of sex. just because i'm not ready for sex yet doesnt mean i never will be, and even if i never am well it's not really a bad thing,as everyone is different, but i guess we would have to break up then. We have done some intimate things, just not gone all the way. if he loves me , i dont understand why he would say those things about me, and dont understand why he would pressure me to have sex with him. He goes mad if i do something wrong or if there is something i dont want to try at all. Also, i told that if he loved me , he would wait for sex, but then he said " if you love someone you'll have sex with them ! ". He also said that he shouldnt have to wait entirely for me to decide when we would have sex. and i said, in general , that you dont put someone down if you love them.I guess we have quite a lot of things to sort out. I have mentioned how the wordsn he has used when he is angry hurt me though, but he contiues to do it.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (30 May 2010):
 If a guy swears at me or calls me dumb little b**ch, I'd break up with him, unless I also said hurtful things to him or course in which case we'd be even. But it doesn't seem that this is the case with you.
Don't let him treat you poorly and don't let yourself think that you're his last resort. You should have more self esteem than that. You are special, that is why he is with you!
You should have a talk with him about his anger side, and all the offensive words he has called you. Ask him not to do it again. If he continues, break up with him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 May 2010):
At one point the bad outweighs the good. If you are there yet or not I am not sure. I am guessing you are still very angry with him while you wrote this, because you have no gentle words to say about him, aside from him being sweet at times.
Maybe, one day when you feel great and happy, write down what you think about him then as well. Compare this letter written in anger with one written with love. Is he worth it?
Don't accept someone calling you a b**ch. Thats a really hurtful word. But then again maybe you acted like that towards him and you are not only nice and good 100% of the time. If you can forgive him, and he can forgive you, and you can put the snow that fell last year behind you... there might be hope.
Do you love him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): i dont think any human being should be put down. to call you a dumb little b****, and to swear at you. thats just not cool at all and you shouldnt stand for that.i noticed that people in uk swear much more than people in my country. we find swearing very disrespectful but from my travels in the uk, i noticed people use swear words casually. maybe im just over-sensitive.still i don't think its a good idea to allow someone to verbally abuse you. i say forget him. there are a lot of respectful men out there who will not speak down to you. why settle? life is too short to settle!
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