A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, and thank you to those to can guide me in my dilemma. My boyfriend has depression, and is suicidal. He opened up about these thoughts is January, and was hospitalized and got a psychologist, anti-depressants and the whole package. After around two months in the hospital, he was allowed to go home, and has only had sporadic visits to his psychologist. About once every other week, to my knowledge. Now, after three weeks since he last had an appointment, he has told me that he stopped going there. Apparently he made this decision last week. He claims he is getting help somewhere else, and refuses to tell me where. He says it is a secret, and that he is not allowed to tell me!I seriously doubt this new place of help for him, since I do not know any serious institution or professional who would prohibit anyone finding out about them "helping" suicidal and depressed people. The people from the emergency team (they make home visits and talked to him yesterday) were thinking about hospitalizing him again, against his will.I don't know what to do, to be honest. I feel like I don't have much left to offer in this, there's been too much secrecy already, too much to deal with. His friends and family are causing extra difficulty for me, because they never tell me anything. For example, on several occasions his family has arranged trips for him, and he just ups and leaves without me knowing about it, no one cares to tell me. He is very forgetful because of the medications and his current state of mind, so I don't hold it on him to inform me. But his family ought to. I inform them about things like that! They even kept it from me that he was ill in the first place, I was the last one to be told. His mother called his friend, rather than me, and told him about it, so it's not like they didn't tell anyone.I know, focus should be on him and him getting well. But right now I'm at my wits end, and thinking about ending my relationship with him. I feel like Im just sitting here waiting for him to kill himself, especially now that he's started to keep secrets and stopped going to see his psychologist. Im thinking the best thing for me would be to distance myself from him. I don't know if I can stand by his side and support him, when he keeps secrets, and his friends and family keep me out of the loop. Having a depressed boyfriend is enough to deal with in itself, without also being blindfolded and not knowing whats going on. Should I stay or tell him that we should just be friends?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): Getting around a protective mother is a challenge. In her mind she is protecting her son, and thinks she knows what's best for him. He is not a child, but he is as vulnerable as a child while under hospitalization and treatment.
There is no way for you to tell what your boyfriend communicates to his parents and friends in your absence.
You are running a serious risk by implying to his mother that she is lying to you. You've said in previous posts he isn't always very open about his intentions toward you.
No one here can tell you what to do. We can only advise you as you continue to update us; and desperately try to maintain a relationship with a young man who is quite mentally-ill.
The trouble with the struggle between you and his mother is; the inflexible stance she takes to protect him from you. It's not a good idea for us to advise you to say or do anything that could really get you on her bad-side.
As his guardian, she can forbid you anywhere near him; if she really wanted to. He can place anyone on the visitor-list he likes; but if he isn't well, or showing a decline in his condition; his mother can suggest to his doctors and therapists that you hinder his recovery. They will act on her suggestions; because his judgement and decision-making is impaired by his mental-illness. He is suicidal, and anything could push him over the edge.
To some degree, I have to yield to his mother's side; because your persistence is basically in retaliation out of your resentment towards her. I can understand how you feel; but things could easily change in a drastic way.
We as aunts and uncles only know one-side. There are many factors we must be very careful about over-stepping our involvement. This involves a person who is hospitalized for mental-illness; and we have no idea how he actually thinks and feels in this situation. We know only what you tell us.
For all we know, this may all be because you may find it difficult to move on, and to let go. Should that become the final remedy and conclusion to this situation.
I just find it difficult to say anything in opposition to the wishes of his family. I also don't want his mother to reach the point that she would seek actions in retaliation, which could include legal action. So tread lightly around her, she has more say in all of this than you might realize. If they don't want you to know something, you will not know it. That's because she is in control behind the scenes.
I think I have given all the advice I can offer. I sense that you miss your boyfriend; and there may be some very powerful emotional issues that you yourself are suffering.
I am having serious reservations about the ongoing conflict between the mother of a patient suffering serious mental-illness; and a ex-girlfriend whom he may, or may not, really wish to see.
Your continuous updates only give your side of the issue. I don't understand why his mother wouldn't want him to see someone who could be very supportive and beneficial to her son's speedy recovery. I doubt she would go out of her way to do him harm, or prolong his illness.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 May 2014):
 First off, thanks for your update. I hope you get to start feeling a little better about YOUR life and can move along with your own path.
And secondly, I'm glad he is getting help.
Speaking AS a mom, I can see why she is acting the way she is. It isn't rational or sensible, nor is this an excuse for her behavior, it's just a "tell it like I see it".
She is dealing with her CHILD (no matter his age, parents have a way of seeing their offspring as kids - my dad is in his 70, I'm in my 40's and he still sees me as a kid, I swear.)
HER son is ill, MENTALLY ill (which carried not only a stigma for HIM but SHE is without doubt beating herself up for somehow FAILING him. That it is HER fault he is ill.)It's irrational, but nevertheless how most parents feel with a sick kid.
SHE might be INTERNALLY blaming HERSELF, but guess what? IT IS easier to BLAME you, then accept that her son... is mentally ill. That there is no logic as to WHY he is ill.
As much as I UNDERSTAND you wanted/want to be in the loop, she might not have the "grace" to include you in what goes on - or the energy. YOU know how DRAINING it's been for YOU to try and DEAL with his illness, SHE feels the same if not a bit more (no offense).
SO TRY not to make her out to be the bad guy here. There are no bad guys. There is mental illness and the DIFFICULTY for EVERYONE around, not just the patient. The family, the GF/BF, the friends and caretakers.
I think cutting the contact with the parents is the right thing FOR YOU to do. Because the mom isn't ABLE to see that you are trying to help HER son.
I hope he will get better, so that YOU can let go and move on.
Chin up, you are doing the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust another update, because I need to tell someone. I talked to his mother today, in an attempt to build better communication between us. I am still staying in my ex-boyfrieds life, I visit him at the hospital and call him, we see each other as much as before, basically. Only before was not enough to be a girlfriend and was draining me, but as friends it works better. Anyway, I had this conflict with his parents and I wanted to try and resolve it. It didn't go well at all. His mother insinuated that my boyfriend forgot about plans with me intentionally, and that he deliberately left me out. I asked her if she knows that he loves me and she just asked me back if I know if he does? And I said yes, and she still asked if I am sure about that.
There was tons of things like this, even when I was talking about us improving communication, she kept on talking about how he supposedly doesn't want me in his life and that's why Im being left out... I got very upset with her. She told me that I was disempowering him because I asked that they talk to me about things, rather than leave him responsible for all communication between us (because he's sick, depressed, wonders about killing himself.. he's not in a position to organize those around him and make sure everyone is informed...!).
If anything I am the one who has always encouraged him to be more independent, but his parents are the ones who thinks he is a small child, and who try to control his life and make him dependent on them. I bit my tongue and didn't tell her that. But even before my ex got sick I encouraged him to be more independent of his parents... so this isn't news to me, yet she started pointing fingers at ME for doing the very thing she does?
Im so done with his parents, I only tried to talk to them because I still am in contact with my ex and I am still there for him as a friend, and I honestly thought that it would be in his best interest if we could all communicate.
My ex even put me up as a "relative" when put in the hospital, even after we had broken up! That was HIS choice, not something I made him do. His mother actually laughed at me when I told her this. Can you believe it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. Thank you to the latest poster for your story about your boyfriend. You are right, you shouldn't be his caretaker. That's what I don't want either, and now that my boyfriend stopped seeing his psychologist I felt like it would be my job to help him open up. Which it isn't. I always wanted to make that distinction clear, I was the girlfriend, not the care taker. But he has become unable to be a boyfriend, like your boyfriend. My man lost his job because of his illness, but since we got him hospitalized (against his will back in January) at least he gets paid while being sick, rather than just losing his job and having no income. But he too also failed to show up at the appointments with his doctor etc. Failed to show up to meetings with me, forgot to mention things like going away, and suddenly all my plans with him would have to be rescheduled because I wasn't told. Also his friends kept making plans with him without inviting me, arranging parties without inviting me, taking him out for drinks without inviting me... Just all these things, and he'd double book because he kept forgetting about the plans we had, and his friends would guilt trip him and make him choose them over me.
At the same time I was always telling them things, inviting them places, being informative about what was going to happen. And his parents, who time and again have not told me things that happen, such as him being ill in the first place. They called his friend to make the friend take him to the emergency room, but the friend failed in doing so.
I just texted the mother this morning telling her my concern about him stopping his treatment at the psychologist, she had no clue this was going on. I asked her to please inform me about things too, in return. She said of course, that I am the closest one to him. I didn't respond with any sarcasm, but still... The parents obviously live in another reality than mine.
I called him today and this time I got around to telling him we should take a break, so he can focus on himself and getting better, and so that I wont have expectations about him telling me things that doesn't feel he can share (or says he's not allowed to share). I told him we would be friends and to call me if he wanted to talk or hang out. All in all, it went down very smoothly, he didn't object to anything, he had no questions, he just said it was probably a good idea and for the best.
Afterwards I called the emergency team to inform them that I am concerned about this "new place" of help that is a secrecy, and that I just ended the relationship, so not sure what mental state he is in (he covers up emotions well). They said they'd give him a call and check-up on him. So now, I've done my part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I really feel for you. My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder. I have been with him for 2 and a half years. Some people wonder how I have stayed with him that long. It sounds like your boyfriend also has Bipolar Disorder, as he sounds very much like my boyfriend. I know how difficult it is to tolerate this behaviour. I am also in a bad situation with my boyfriend, and I don't know if we will stay together. He is being evicted from his home next week because he didn't pay for the meter in his house, and his house is in a bad condition. It is a rented property. There might be other reasons for his eviction too. I'm not sure if he has told me the whole story. He used to disturb his neighbours too by getting drunk and making too much noise. He is on medication now, but I'm not sure if he is taking it in the right way. I'm very worried about him at the moment. The night before last, he couldn't sleep ,and he said he drank some alcohol to try and get him to sleep. Yesterday morning, he took a double dose of his medication. I was at his house yesterday, and he was asleep pretty much all of the time that I was there. He said he didn't feel well. I left, but I wish I hadn't now, as I haven't heard from him since then yet.
I have tried to help him find another place during the last couple of weeks, as he still hadn't found somewhere.However, he isn't making any effort to find another place close to me. We live close to each other at the moment. I have no idea what he is going to do when he gets evicted. It seems like he wants to be homeless. It isn't an option for him to stay with me, as I live with some family members at the moment and they don't even let him visit here, so they wouldnt let him live here. They are frightened by his Bipolar Disorder.
There have been times when he has been embarrassing in public, and there were times when he would go for up to a week without seeing me or contacting me much.
He has even missed appointments with people who were going to help him find a new place. The people who arranged those appointments were very annoyed with him for that.
I sometimes wonder if I could have done more to help him. Maybe if I had helped him get his house in a better condition, or if I had gone to appointments with him , he wouldn't be being evicted. Also, if I had my own place, he could have stayed with me. He did tell me that the tenancy was up though too. I don't want to feel more like his care worker than his girlfriend.
Sorry if I have taken over your thread. I might start my own thread about this actually. I think its good to talk to people who have been in the same situation. I just wanted you to know that there are other people going through the same thing. You are not alone.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2014):
I think taking a break is the best way to go. Taking a clear break will be even harder (not for you, but in how he reacts).
He might NOT want to "let" you take a break, but he can't stop you. If you have INFORMED him that you need/want a break, he can take it or leave it.
Don't spend the rest of your life walking on glass shards with bare feet, because THAT is how it will feel. IT will NOT do neither of you good.
I hope he actually did listen to you and will go back to therapy for HIS sake. Mental illness is never fun and it does have a domino effect on those around the sick person.
And I hope you will be able to breathe again soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother update. I just called him to tell him we should take a break. I started off saying that I didn't get to finish the conversation earlier today because of the way the situation had gone (him reacting and then withdrawing into himself before I even got to that part). I said I would like to continue it now that he was home, and he lives with friends so he's not alone, in case he gets upset. He told me that he didn't want to have that conversation now, but another time....
Ugh, right now I do feel like he might be trying to control me by simply refusing to talk to me about the difficult things, but at least I got him to agree that we would talk over the phone tomorrow at 2pm. I hate having to drag this out, but I don't want to just blurt it out either. Maybe he knows what's coming and that's why he wants to delay it. I don't know. But I will give you a follow-up again tomorrow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): How you may wish to present your exit-speech is purely up to you.
To offer him continued friendship, does leave some things to be considered.
Leaving him open access to contact you; does not means he necessarily wants to remain friends on your terms. He may want to punish you for taking the initiative to disconnect yourself from the relationship. It will be a perpetual cycle of pulling you in; then leaving you hanging in limbo. Playing around with your feelings, then cutting you off completely. That seems to be the nature of his illness, and this may never change. He just may have a toxic personality beneath it all. He isn't some totally irrational person. He seems to know how to control you to some degree.
It all seems just fine, as long as he is the one making all the decisions. He leaves you in the dark; because that gives him all the power over the relationship. I urge you to seriously bear this fact in mind.
You can have sympathy and compassion for the mentally-ill; but you also have to make sure you don't lay victim to their dark-side. They can do great harm to other people psychologically. They are not always as frail and harmless as you may want to think. They can be very calculating. As he has proven by secrecy; and he is also manipulating his family and friends as well. This may explain why they keep you at a distance. He is suggesting that they do.
People think they are saving people by being their shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on. There are situations where you think you're being kind and compassionate; but you are only changing the way you are allowing the other person to manipulate you. People can love you, and still purposely hurt and manipulate you.
Being "friends" requires no less of him than being a boyfriend. It still requires that he is loyal, respectful, kind, and transparent. It still places the responsibility on him not to hurt you.
He has taken away your responsibility to see to his well-being, by keeping secrets and abandoning you for weeks in silence. This can be attributed to his mental illness; but he also has some free will. He doesn't seem to be unable to maintain the power to shut you out. That is going to be the side of it he will continue; and you are still allowing to burden you, and wear you down emotionally.
There are some breakups that have to be extremely clear to the other person. If you say "friends" it means you are still boyfriend and girlfriend, to a limited extent. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to accept any distinction.
It is likely his illness will not let him. Your challenge is figuring out, what compels him to do what he does when he hurts you? His illness, or is he just a terrible boyfriend? Look at the whole picture. Don't delude yourself.
You may be perpetuating the same problems you're having with him now. Keeping the door cracked for him to walk-in, and turn you life upside down when he feels like it.
You are unable to go through the detachment process; and you will be unable to move on. That will be because your subconscious mind still wants to take care of him.
By ending all contact. Which he has done to you so many times, I might remind you. You are not being void of compassion toward him. You are being compassionate to yourself. Giving yourself the permission to move on, heal, and find new relationships.
Isn't that the reason you came to us for advice in the first place? You're having trouble giving yourself permission to move on?
You have to understand the futility of trying to make him open up and be honest when he stubbornly refuses to do so. Being at his beck and call will only allow him to continue what he is doing; and you will remain exactly where you are now.
You should see a counselor for yourself. Otherwise; you will be trapped in a relationship with a man suffering from mental-illness. He may constantly wear at your sanity, while you feel guilt and responsibility. Forgetting the fact that he has family, friends, and mental-health professionals to fill-in where you leave off. He has willfully cut you out of that support-system. He doesn't want your pity, and he doesn't want to relinquish his power over your feelings.
He has told them things to make sure they don't leak information he doesn't want you to know. Who needs friends who keep you feeling bad all the time? Seriously!
I'm not telling you what to do. That is your decision. I noticed one aunt placed a little bit of guilt on you, by saying it isn't right to breakaway clean. That wasn't fair and may not be valuable advice. Seek advice from a professional counselor; if you are totally uncertain.
Your mental-health is also important. Some counseling for yourself, will help you deal with guilt, grief, and your sense of loss. It will help you to free yourself from
his psychological-hold on you.
In this case, a clean-break may be the only way to do it; in order to get on with your life.
You are dealing with someone who doesn't have full control over his mental facilities; and you could be a victim of his manipulation for a very long-time. He will be the dark cloud always hovering over your head. You are too young, and there is just too much life ahead of you to allow that.
Do as you will, but keep this in all in mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers. I am glad so many responded, and you were all on the same page. It made my decision easier, although the decision is of course entirely my own. I had already made up my mind about it, I think, and just needed that extra push. I told him yesterday that he should think about whether secrets are good to keep between us, and that they are not acceptable for me. I asked him to think about this, and we would talk again the next day.
He spent the night, and after breakfast we talked again. It didn't go down exactly the way I had hoped, I wanted to keep everything calm and easy. But he reacted to something else, the "argument" he felt we were having, and got worked up about it, closing himself in and not speaking to me. So, after that it was more like a monologue where I again explained that this was all too much, with his friends and family keeping me out of the loop, with him not involving me, whether intentionally or not.. But that this secret he has now decided to keep from me is intentional, and it is just not something I can accept in a relationship, especially given the circumstances. He could either tell me, or stop going there for "help" and return to his psychologist. He didn't respond, so we didn't talk more. Just silent treatment, that has been so usual for these last months.. he just goes quiet and doesn't talk to me, doesn't even look at me. Because of this I didn't say the final words, just sort of left it hanging in the air. I just asked him, before he left, if he knows what it will mean when he chooses to keep secrets, when I have told him that there can not be secrets in our relationship (especially given the type of secret under these circumstances).
He went home, and I asked him to text me when he was home to make sure he didn't do anything foolish on the way. He's going to meet with his former boss this afternoon (he was recently told he can not continue at his job because of the illness). My plan now is to wait until after he's met up with his former boss, and then I will call him later on and say it clearly. In my question I wrote if I should stay or say that we should be friends. I chose the word "friends" because I think it sounds less harsh, even if it means the same: lets break up. I want to go gently on him. So when I call later today, I will tell him, like some of you suggested, that we should take a break, for him to focus on himself and get better. Formulate it that way, so that it is easier. It's not a lie either, he's not in a condition to be a boyfriend, he can't give anything back the way things are now, he DOES focus on himself, as is natural for someone in his situation. But it's been 4/5 months now where things have just gotten harder and harder for me, and I'm just a human. I can't sit in this relationship and just give and give with nothing in return for who knows how long.
Like someone said, Im not married to him. I don't live with him. We don't have children. While I love him, and I know he loves me, it isn't enough. My feelings do get hurt each time he forgets me, each time I'm not being inform about things, each time new "secrets" are revealed. And I wouldn't be told if something happened, I know that. So whether I am in a relationship with him or not, I'm still not informed about things and still left out of the loop. It wont change anything, except I will no longer get hurt and he will no longer have the burden of my expectations to carry.
Whether or not we actually stay friends is a whole other matter. I don't sincerely think we will. But I wont avoid him either, and if he wants to talk I want to be there for him. But I doubt he will call me. He's never called me just to talk in these last months, he's not leaned on me for support, he's just been pushing me away. Which was on his "to do list". To push those around him away, so that we wouldn't be in so much pain when he died.
This was perhaps lengthy, but it is necessary for me to put words to my thoughts.. Help me see them more clearly. Thank you again for all of your answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): This is a very hard situation to deal with. I would call his parents and ask what is really going on with him and why they don't tell you about all these things. I would call the emergency service and say you want him hospitalized against his will since he is suicidal and not going for treatment- his family isn't helping enough obviously and you're not trained to deal with this.Do you know what meds he is on? It sounds like this is more than depression- maybe he is bi-polar or even worse with his deceptions about his treatment. I would definitely say you need to distance yourself emotionally in some way and eventually break up but I wouldn't do that until you know he has some kind of support system that will work which he doesn't really seem to have now. I wouldn't totally abandon him at this stage. I think it would be pretty traumatic for you if you just dumped him and he does suicide. Do you have friends and family who can support you so you don't suffer too much stress from all of this? I would try to speak to a counselor yourself also.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): You will not be morally responsible for actions of your unstable boyfriend by simply breaking up with him. You shall not be held hostage to such an arrangement either now or in the future. Do not stay in a relationship just because you feel sorry for the person.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 May 2014):
 The obvious and logical answer is yes leave this situation. On the other hand,ponder this; So you leave a vulnerable soul and he acts upon the suicidal threats,now what? are you forever racked with guilt? It's worth an introspective look I would say. If you are OK with that then take yourself out of an obvious lose-lose future. ut if you're not quite sure then work within the bounds of his doctors and ry to help. Good luck and best wishes to you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): You should leave. Living with someone with a mental illness is very difficult. He is not your husband. All the best.
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reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 May 2014):
Dear OP,
I am sorry for you, this is a very uncomfortable position to be in.
You are right, that "secret" new place sounds really weird. No legitimate institution would have to stay a secret. And his family and friends sound like they are not helping either.
Maybe it's for the better if the emergency team rehospitalizes him against his will. In fact, I hope they do that. He doesn't sound stable.
Anyway, now about your situation. I would break up with him, too, probably. But I would also add that you are there for him as a friend if he needs you. That he can always call you if he needs to talk to someone. That if he wants to speak to someone else than his relatives or so, you will listen to him. You still care about him, as a person, so let him know. I believe it will also be helpful if you explain him WHY you break up. Let him know it were the secrets and his and his familys' behavior, not the depression alone, that drove you apart. Maybe he learns something and starts to overthink his behavior.
As an added advice, you may want to tell him about the break up in a moment when you know he is taken care of. Like, not in the evening when you know he will sleep alone. Maybe when he's back in hospital, or on the phone when he is with his parents. You can also chose to inform the parents as well, so they can jump in and look after him. Just to be sure he is safe, since he is suicidal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): OP you have to treat this pretty carefully and just end it unofficially first. Say you need space for while etc. Just don't tell him yet that that space isn't going end.
Look he has to take care of himself, and he has family around him too but outright dumping him at such a fragile time may not be the wisest decision.
You can create as much emotional distance from him as you want but I would give him and his family time to deal with you not really being around anymore in any kind of significant way before you flat out end it.
It is time to walk away, OP, and you know it. He's just not in any kind of state of mind to be someone's partner and it sounds like he's only going to get worse.
OP with all due respect what good is "being friends" going to do? You're still going to have to deal with all his crap and it'll make the idea of breaking it off pointless. The only difference will be no kissing or sexual intimacy but all the rest of his baggage you'll still have to deal with. Start distancing yourself from him, let him sort himself out before you even think about becoming friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): Don't torture yourself with this. His family are handling his illness badly and there seems to be a dysfunctional 'structure' if that, to the way that they are going about things. This could actually be the tip of the ice-berg - I strongly believe that dysfunctional families 'create' mentally ill members - this happened to my elder sister when she was 17 and I was 14 - my parents handled her illness very badly BECAUSE they effectively caused it in the first place. She stood no chance at all and it took years and years for me to figure it all out. Being close to someone who is in this state and whose family take over, but in a bad way, is absolute hell. You feel increasingly powerless and constantly judge yourself. You honestly cannot help the situation by staying. And you certainly won't help yourself in any way. Just leave the situation, there is nothing that you can do, your boyfriend as you knew him has 'gone'. I spent decades trying to rescue my sister and at times have come close to madness myself because of it and finally became physically ill through stress. I'd honestly implore you not to do the same, it will make you ill if you stay and persist in trying to help. somehow.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 May 2014):
I agree with Uncle Wise.
The relationship as you know it is over. He doesn't TRUST you enough to let you in on the "big secret". My guess is there is more to this depression/suicide then he is letting on. Maybe he was diagnosed with an additional mental illness?
If you are scared of how he is going to react, I would let the relationship slowly run out, or even suggest you two take a break so he can focus on getting better. It seems like he CAN'T handle BOTH his illness and maintaining a relationship with you. Like Uncle WiseOwlE said he has already left the relationship.
YOU are NOT a bad person for wanting more. And for wanting to walk away.
THIS is something YOU CAN NOT fix for him. You can support him til you are blue in the face, but unless he FULLY commits to whatever treatment plan his doctor/psychiatrist or therapist suggests... there isn't anything you can do.
And THAT is frustrating to sit on the side line feeling useless and unloved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2014): It sounds like your boyfriend has already left you. He has secrets, he is refusing treatment to help himself.
His friends and family are uncooperative in helping you to support him. So it sounds like they've already written you out of his life. Perhaps they are hoping you'll take it upon yourself to move on. They are uncomfortable about telling you how ill he is.
Move on, and don't look back. Being a martyr when there is no benefit to anyone, is just pointless self-sacrifice.
What is the point of holding onto and giving; in a dysfunctional relationship that isn't offering you anything in return?
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