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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Should I break up with my boyfriend? We've had a rocky relationship for such a long time. In the beginning everything was great, it was awesome and perfect. But then he found out about my past (he asked me and learned that in the past - before I even met him - I'd been friends with benefits with a mutual friend of us). I tried explaining that everything was over with that friend, we remained friends but that the benefits were over. Still, it was enough to break his trust and create a huge hurdle of problems! He judged me, called me names, and I had to cut some friendships for him, etc. I guess my mistake was catering to his insecurities. I should've been tougher. We broke up last year and were broken up for almost a whole year.Now we're together, but it's tough. We still have problems. Some are related to my past, but most are because now I have more friends and because it's hard for me to let go of the freedom I found being single. Anyway, now I've also had to cut friends and I've had problems with him because of Facebook. I don't flirt with anyone, but I have some male friends who sometimes post a lot of comments on my stuff (non flirtatious, but still) and it makes him feel bad so he gets upset and tells me that I should tell them to stop, and blah blah. I've also had to delete many inane posts from Facebook because he gets upset. I also get a bit jealous of his friends, because they're all airheads and there have been times when he's preferred to spend time with them instead of me. They're all very touchy feely with their friends, including him. But anyway, now we have problems again because he complains about such and such friend, or because of what I post on Facebook... I'm stubborn and I'm tired of being told what to do, I told him I was tired of giving in. He feels I'm not making a good enough effort to make things work and that I don't treat him right... but I'm so tired and frustrated. It seems nothing I do is ever good enough. I've tried explaining but he says he can't be the only one working in the relationship... I told him I'd been giving in for years so now I've had it with that. He says I'm being a bad girlfriend and I told him if he feels that way then he should break up with me... but he says I should break up with him if I'm not interested.He also complains that if, for example, I spend some time with my male (AND female friends) doing stuff like hanging out and eating (my friends and I are part of a youth group and we have weekly meetings where we all eat together afterwards), then he should also go out with his female friends and eat. I mean, he's already done that, and if he did it yeah it would bother me a bit but I wouldn't complain. What bothers me is his vindictive attitude. Everytime I do something that bothers him, he tries to do something to "get even". I mean, he has a band, and I don't complain. I'd love to have a band, because I love music, but since I know only male musicians (not many girls here play) he says it'd be unfair that I'd be the only girl in my band. He says if I had such a band then the only "fair" thing would be that he formed a band with only girls. Which I find vindictive and stupid. I hate that about him. This is killing me. I love him but now I'm really questioning if we're compatible. I also resent that I spent years walking on eggshells and limiting my life and social circle for him and that now he still feels that what I do is not enough and that I'm not making a good enough effort! In return I'm not very affectionate with him, I even turn cold sometimes because I'm too frustrated. I don't know whether it's worth it to continue working on the relationship or just to give up. I also know if I leave him it will leave him devastated again, and I don't wanna hurt him, but I can't stand how things are as of now. The problem is I don't wanna change, I'm tired of changing, I'm tired of giving in! I'm so lost.
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female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 You shouldn't be with someone like this. He's too controlling and insecure. The FWB is over and you're with him now; he needs to understand. And he can't expect you to limit your friends because he doesn't like them. We're all entitled to different kinds of friends, boy or girl. You deserve to be able to live your life, not to have it revolved around him. And you can't help what people say on facebook. It's the internet and people are going to say what they want whether we like it or not so he needs to get over it. Why would you stay with a selfish guy for this long? He's only going to think about himself and won't be satisfied until that's all you're thinking about. Dump the loser and find someone who will allow you freedom and won't make you feel bad for doing so.
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