A
female
age
26-29,
*oDoneOMFG
writes:So I live with my boyfriend in a small town, and since we are currently in a recession I don't have a job. I stay at home and make sure the animals are fed, cook meals, do laundry, ect. When he comes home supper is ready, we eat and he games out for a couple of hours, and then we go to sleep. The thing is, he never cleans up anything. He doesnt wipe the seat when he pee's on it, he gets toothpaste all over the mirror and just makes a mess of everything I just finished cleaning. He doesnt put his dishes in the sink, wastes our food, and leaves his clothes all over the house even though we have laundry hampers. I try to ask him sometimes to do the dishes, and sometimes he agrees but I have to re wash them anyways the next day cause theyre all dirty. I need help because I don't know if im being selfish (since I don't work) and should just clean everything all the time, or if he should be helping a bit. Please please please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 January 2016):
 You're not a maid! There's a difference between the Family Chores (i.e. laundry, the vacuuming/dusting, the cooking, dishes, and the appointments like car repairs/maintenance, grocery shopping) and self-hygiene!
Even if you don't have a job, you're not responsible for HIS hygiene. Wiping the seat, picking up his clothes, leaving food out, putting his dishes in the sink, all of that is ON HIM. Maintaining a tidy house is on BOTH of you! That's different than the Chores, which I can understand you picking up the slack if he's supporting you until you get your job.
No one has an excuse for being a piggy.
And you: Get a job and fast, even if it's not in your field of work. You're not being selfish by not putting up with his piggyness. Cooking and chores are different than that. Making a bed in the morning isn't just your job. Picking up his own clothes and getting them into the hamper AS WELL AS not tossing them around after wearing them once is his responsibility. Does he not want his clothes to last???
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): Sit him down and talk about what you expect out of him, nicely. (before doing so be clear about it yourself!)As others have said, GET A JOB, ANY JOB.I had a normal relationship with my husband for years. We shared all the chores and both worked. I left my job because h egot a better one in another town (my job was shitty anyway).I was without a job for ONLY two months and bad habits settled in, the ones we're still working on getting rid of. I found myself doing EVERYTHING. OK he doesn't cook, but all of a sudden his stressfull job was an excuse for not cleaning up, clenaing the house once a week, washing dishes, buying groceries etc. He would also be do things when I insisted either badly or geudgely, so I started to hesitate to even ask him.Fast forward two months later, I found not one but TWO jobs. So after a week of hard work, I would continue working on weekends and do almost everything. He started going shopping WITH me and would do some cleaning, but only when asked to do so (or when my workload was so heavy that our house would turn into pigsty).My big mistake was that at first I accepted this stupid idea, without actually talking about it and later on did not fight for things to change. It really affected badly our marriage.At some point I thought about ending it. That's how bad it became. And then I sathim down with a clear idea of what I needed and siply confronted him with a choice. Either he goes (I figured after investing so much time in cleaning our appartment, I would get to stay ;) or we discuss my proposal of how to get things back to NORMAL.He's trying. And it's much better.I still do the cooking but ONLY if we planned it. I don't want to be expected tod o so nor asked "What's tehre to eat?".But. I still have two jobs, so he lnows I am serious about leaving the marriage.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 January 2016):
 If you have done it once, then it's done and should remain that way for some time being it is just you and him. making a mess and expecting that you should clean up again is treating you like the maid. It's rude, disrespectful and down right lazy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): When I was with the father of my children we both worked full time. But because I did 4 days on 12 hour shifts I had three days off whereas he had two days off during the week and I was expected to do EVERYTHING because I had one more day off than him. He was a total mamma's boy and even needed me to get his clothes and socks out every day for him to dress. It's not acceptable.In the end I realised that we were both telling the children to tidy up after themselves, they were expected to help me out, well he thought that was more important than me making the kids do stuff. But he didn't even clean the dishes. Why do adults try and get the kids to help around the house when they can't even do it themselves!If you had a child would you expect them to tidy up? Well then your partner should do the same. We teach pets to be house trained so you need to train your boyfriend too! lol.Lots of couples both work full time and the both of them are required to do their fair share around the house. What's he going to do when you go back to work? Even if he isn't responsible for doing all the chores the fact that he just makes a mess of what you've tidied up and is undoing all your hard work is wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 January 2016):
 No, you are not the automatic house elf, because you don't bring home the bacon. NOR are you his mom who runs around AFTER him picking up his trash and crap. But you being the one in charge of the house makes sense as you ARE the one at home.
My advice is to sit him down and together make some rules.
Like:
if you have used a cup/glass/plate/bowl and you are done with said item... it goes either in the dishwasher or the sink/counter.
if he doesn't pick up his dirty clothes and put them in a hamper.... they will NOT get washed. I'd tell him ONCE after that pile the dirty clothes up on HIS side of the bed, he hopefully will get the picture (It took me 15 years to "teach" my husband to use the hamper - but... even now and then he will leave dirty clothes all over I either ignore it (which I hate because dirty clothes eww) or I will toss it on his side of the bed. Hard for HIM to ignore a pile of dirty clothes.
You can also decide that HE does HIS laundry, you do yours.
I'd suggest a lesson in some common hygiene. Such as... lifting the flipping lid before peeing and maybe have some clorox wipes in the bathroom so he can WIPE up after himself. Because that is gross.
Same with the toothpaste on the mirror. Having a clorox wipe container in the bathroom, that way when he is DONE brushing teeth he can easily wipe the mirror.
As for not doing the dishes OK, I'd ask him to redo the dirty one... Maybe that will teach him to pay a little more attention to how clean they are. Washing dishes is not that hard, my 11,13 and 15 year old daughters do the dishes around here and they are pretty clean.
Recession or not, I URGE you to find a job. ANY job. Because before you know it you will be in your mid 20's with NOT experience expect for house work and where will that get you if you two break up? Even a half day job might do you good to get out of the house.
My advice is to make a weekly cleaning/chore plan. You can make him be responsible for the bathroom/trash and you do cooking/dishes or whatever. Again something to sit down and talk over.
Personally, I like to get the chores out of the way first thing. So once I get the kids off to school and hubby off to work I get started. And I take some breaks here and there just to break up the monotony of it.
http://www.listotic.com/55-must-read-cleaning-tips-tricks/
http://www.flylady.net/
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 I think the main reason he doesn't help out is because he's a lazy ass who thinks he's still living with his mom.
Yes, he should do his part when it comes to the house, cleaning and cooking at the lot. Unless he's paid you to do it and you get money from him, or he otherwise pays for you to be his stay at home cook, cleaning lady etc, then no, he does his share.
How do you pay rent when you're unemployed? How do you afford food? Is it coming from his wallet, or yours? If it's from his wallet then I think this arrangement is like a silent agreement that you work at home for the money he "pays" you. If you are paying your own way then housework is to be divided 50/50, no matter if you have a job or not.
Although, I would say that given his age (assuming he's the same age as you) he's not ever going to be cleaning up after himself. See, he does these things not because he thinks you ought to do it, but because he's a lazy bum who got spoiled by his mommy and thinks that dirty clothes just magically fly to the hamper and that dishes magically do themselves. It's obvious from the poor way he washes dishes that he's never had to do these things before in his life, so GOOD LUCK trying to teach him. My best advice on how to get a boyfriend to do housework? Dump him and find someone who does it without you having to tell him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): In my experience, looking for a job is a full time job in itself, so i think he should be helping out around the house. Maybe explain to him that you really want to concentrate on finding work and allocate him a few chores that he can do. Also, when he does do something to help out, give him lots of praise. It'll probably be more effective than moaning at him for not cleaning up.
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