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Should I be annoyed my wife is discussing our marital problems with her friends.

Tagged as: Friends, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 February 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 5 January 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Should I be annoyed my wife is discussing our marital problems with her friends. Because I am!

I know we have problems but I haven't talked to my friends about it, I feel it's private information.

What do you think?

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (5 January 2010):

eyeswideopen agony auntI totally agree with you, Buddy. It's private business and I'd be more than annoyed if I were you. Put your foot down and tell her to keep her trap shut whenever she feels the urge to discuss your personal issues. She should know better anyway.

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A male reader, saiyali21 United States +, writes (5 January 2010):

I think it's wrong for people to air their dirty laundry to their friends... I understand that women have girlfriends I have been on both sides of this issue as I have confided my relationship issues with friends... Well I was wrong... I have good friends that would be neutral but there was still some bias in my favor. And I dont care who you are, you are always going to leave out part of the issue & it's usually the part that your partner is the most angry about in the 1st place.. Thats usually how conflicts begin. Because what one person does not think is a big deal, usually really bothers he other person... It doesnt help when you have a 3rd party (that really doesnt ,matter) to take your side.. Ultimately no friend or outsider can tell you what to do because in the end you make up your own mind, but sometimes if you are constantly getting reinforcement from a 3rd party you really start to believe something that really is not totally true. It can cause allot of damage to a relationship because there is misplaced resentment towards your partner& your partner feels betrayed because you have taken sides with someone that really is not with you two all the time & doesnt know the full story... There are always two sides to every story..

My wife has a best friend that is really nice & I like her allot, but I dont trust her because she has never told my wife that she is wrong in past situations where we had differences.. No one is always right in a relationship.. I feel that she will always be biased. My wife has said that I have a warped perception of things because I dont think it's right to discuss our problems with her friends. She says that they are "our" friends, but when the chips are down, they are "her" friends. I have lots of friends that I could go to, but I know that it serves no purpose & it doesnt help a relationship at all to do this.

Friends are not & cannot be relationships counselors....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009):

I'm sorry, as a woman, I have to side with the OP on this one. Mostly because I had a ex-boyfriend who loved to go blabbing our business to his friends, who were mostly female. I used to hate it. I also used to hate when we would talk about our issues, when he'd say, "Well, XX thinks this" or "XY says that..." I don't give a damn what they think of me, my problem is with you and as a private person, I don't want my personal business in the street. I remember telling him on more than one occasion that he gossiped more than any 10 women I knew. Ugh.

So, after that experience, having had the shoe on the other foot, as it were, I do try to control how much I may do that. If I get into an argument with my guy and I really need another perspective to see if maybe I was wrong, that's one thing. But if I'm yakking to all of my friends just so they can co-sign to my madness (because we never tell our fiends the whole story, just the parts that make us look good), then no. I've been on the other side of that, and its infuriating.

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A female reader, didda123 United Kingdom +, writes (9 February 2009):

didda123 agony auntIts a fact women do talk to their friends about personal things we are unlike men and you can't hold that against us.

FinnmcCool you said opinions are like arseholes everyone got one but we do need them do we not lol you seem to contradict yourself there.

I know things are private and in an ideal world they would stay that way but sometimes we need to share things with close friends who we can confide in and it saves a hell of a lot of money on councellors.

Don't hold this against her she is worried and is only trying to get things in perspective.

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A female reader, HeartASHXOXO United States +, writes (3 February 2009):

you should absolutly not be annoyed. Women need to talk to their friends for advice or just to vent. If you try to tell her to stop telling her friends thats just going to lead to trust issues and more problems are aroused.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (3 February 2009):

AskEve agony auntWomen are far more emotional than men and they DO confide in their CLOSE friends, like it or not. That is how they deal with problems, they talk them out, air them, confide in friends and get it off their chest in order to make them feel better. Men are very different, they are more solitary and mull problems over in their own minds trying to find solutions. Only when they're really stuck do they ask for solicited advice.

How did you find out she confided in a friend? Did she tell you? It sounds from what you say that the friend she chose to confide in is not the most trustworthy and I get the impression there are insecurities with you there, maybe you're a bit fearful in case the "friend" gives her the wrong advice and leads her astray, especially if that friend has cheated in the past (and hey who can blame you). I'm sure your wife is forming her own arguments/solutions... she just wants reassurance and a second opinion. It might be a good idea that you try to talk it over with her some more to come to a solution and tell her to be very wary who she confides in if she must confide in anyone at all.

~Eve~

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009):

Saoirse thanks for you reply.

I disagree. I'm fully aware of my problems and I am attempting to deal with them.

My wife however is seeking advice from one friend in particular who Is manipulative and known to have cheated on her husband. The others I don't know so well.

Even so, I expect my wife to be able to form her own arguments/solutions. If i'm dealing with arguments/solutions from her friends, then quite frankly I may aswell be married to them.

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A male reader, ArmyMedic United Kingdom +, writes (3 February 2009):

ArmyMedic agony auntShe has to talk to someone, surely you know that girls talk to their friends about everything.

Some problems need talking about, maybe you should confide in a close friend and talk about your issues. You never know you might actually benefit from it. Rather than bottling up these private issues and getting annoyed at her!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009):

Yea, I'd be steaming about it too. Absolutely any and all discussion should be between yourselves to the exclusion of all others, unless you both elect to go for counselling.

It is this sort of behaviour which helps cause more problems - opinions are like arseholes - everyone's got one. You both don't need it.

Good luck.

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A female reader, saoirse United States +, writes (3 February 2009):

saoirse agony aunt

It goes without saying that Men, and Women have a very different way of handling things. Women will seek out advice from the people they trust in order to try and gain the most perspective on an issue so that they can better figure out a way to handle it. However, when it comes to men and relationships the story is totally different. Men often want to appear as though there is nothing wrong, and especially when it comes to their marriages and their home lives because they feel it is a mark of inadequacy. Women have a tendency to accept problems as matter of fact, and men have a tendency to view problem in marriage more as a reflection of themselves, and less as a practical issue.

The first thing you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife about the issues you guys are having. Make a list, review it, and try and remain as calm as possible. Tell her that you are aware that there are things going on, but that you'd rather her not discuss them with people because you feel that the two of you don't need any more added stress by bringing extra people into your problems. However, try to be understanding of the fact that it may just be that your wife is having a difficult time, and needs support right now. If that is the case, ask her to limit who she discusses the issues with to one or two close best friends, to avoid too much drama. Also, make a point of telling her that you are there for her, even through this tough period, and that you want her to try and come to you, sot hat you can both talk about it together.

Secondly, actively listen to your wife when she responds to you. Make sure that you are hearing her reasons for needing to discuss your problems with other folks, and realize that she may have a valid excuse. Perhaps her friends have been through the same thing, and they are helping her learn how to get the both of you through it. Listen to how your wife is feeling, and try to respect it, even if you don't understand it.

Remember not to attack your wife. Start your sentence with "I feel.." , or " I am..." instead of "you are..." , or "when you...". This will hopefully keep her from getting defensive and shutting down.

If you continue to have problems you might want to considering counciling, so that you can both have an unbiased mediator to help you effectively communicate.

Good luck,

S.

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