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She's scared to have an orgasm--how do I deal with this?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 March 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 March 2014)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid,

I've been going out with this girl for a few months. She's really great and I think we're falling in love. We are sexually active and we enjoy having sex with each other alot. I've been with several partners before as has she. It's been a super positive and open relationship.

There is one thing that I feel is holding me back. Everytime we have sex, she doesn't have an orgasm. She says she has never had an orgasm through intercourse and I believe her. The thing is, everytime I get close to giving her one, either through oral or touching she shys away. She says that she's scared to have an orgasm.

Why is she doing this? Is she scared to open up to me? I feel like she doesn't trust me enough to have an orgasm. I want to be happy in the relationship but I can't when I feel my partner isn't satisfied. Whenever I ask her about it straight up, she answers, I don't know and so on.

I know every girl is different, but I'm pretty sure I'm hitting the right spots, this feels like something emotionally is holding her back. Sorry to carry on, I just have a hard time grasping this. Thanks.

P.S. Has anyone heard this excuse before? Any Info would be appreciated.

View related questions: acne, orgasm, shy, want to be happy

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A male reader, Noahdg Canada +, writes (20 March 2014):

On the brink of orgasm it's hard to tell the pleasure from pain... Guy or girl.. Think back to when you were 12 or 13, maybe you went through something similar.

Focus on your own pleasure... A lot of chicks have real strong empathy so if she see's your enjoying it a lot she'll have like a second hand orgasm.

Also god willing... She'll get more sexually frustrated so sooner or later, she'll have one, in spite of fear ;-)

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A female reader, IshaKapur India +, writes (1 June 2009):

I'm kinda having the same problem as your girlfriend, and my boyfriend's as equally frustrated as you are. Both of us want me to cum just as bad, the only problem being I'm scared to orgasm! It's not like I'm not relaxed enough. It's not about trust issues, either, so you can stop getting worried. I'm sure the sex is great too. It's just that sometimes (as in my case), it's hard to take it when it gets too much. That's when I feel like I'm about to pee, and I tell my guy to stop. It irritates him like hell, but can I help it?!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

I lived with a guy for three years, never had an orgasm.

Chances are sexual repression. I married the first man that made me orgasm. 10 years later, we still have amazing sex.

I suggest getting a vibrator, if she will, and when you are not around she will be curious, explore, experience what she is missing. good luck!

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (13 March 2008):

DoubleM agony auntIf you have been unable to please your girlfriend orally, I must ask how long you are stimulating her, and after how much foreplay, such as kissing, fondling, rubbing, licking, fingering and such? How much experience have you had giving cunnilingus?

In my opinion, some young women may require at least 30 minutes or more of fairly intensive attention to her privates to generate an orgasm or more. It is often not enough to kiss and play for a few minutes, then properly lick and suck her vulva and clitoris for a few more minutes. That's rarely enough for some women, but if you are working with her for a long time with no result, then she may truly resisting for some physical or psychological reason, in my opinion. Most healthy girls cannot endure a really nice session without orgasm unless she has an aversion to such activity.

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A female reader, red1982 United Kingdom +, writes (12 March 2008):

This 'excuse' is quite common. Some women find it really difficult to let go enough to have an orgasm. It's not the same for women as for you men there are a lot more factors to an orgasm then just physical feelings.

I doubt if its because she doesn't trust you enough to let herself go, but something is holding her back, it may be more that she is worried about letting go because of how intesnse the feeling is, and it can be quite scary. I know that here in Britain they do psycho-sexual counselling to deal with this type of problem (along with other sexual problems)I don't know if they do that in the US but I would have thought so. That said she may be too shy to go for counselling to talk about something so intimate.

If she's happy with the way things are at the moment you may just have to carry on, there is more to sex then an orgasm at the end of the day and from what you've said she seems to be happy, and still has an interest in sex. You don't need to worry so much about her being 'satisfied' I'm sure that she already is, otherwise she wouldn't really want to do it.

Don't pressure her into anything, and make sure that you back off when she tells you to and I'm sure that she will let go of her feelings eventually.

It sounds like you really like her, I really hope things work out for you.

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