A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am really feeling confused with this girl. I sometimes have the impression she likes me, but I also have the impression my mind is playing tricks on me.I will begin with a small summary about me: I am a 29 yo guy who has little experience in love. I used to be in a 3-year relationship, but that was already 4 years ago. I decided to devote myself to my career just after the breakup but I started dating again after a while. My problem is that I have found it very hard to get in another relationship and have been single ever since.So, there's this girl I know from work. We met 3 years ago and have become quite close. She has a boyfriend but things haven't been going very well between them for a while. They are actually officially breaking up next month (he’s moving away).Given her relationship status, I have never made a move on her (even more so because she is a colleague). I have always treated her as a platonic friend, listened to my problems and she to mine. She has actually been my wingman when we go to parties and events (girls are less defensive when I approach them). On her side, she is on the lookout for guys and asks for my opinion on potential suitors. She has been complaining for a while that she needs a new boyfriend and she’s always pointing out one or two guys she sees in the street.It's only during the last year that we came to know each other better and have been hanging a lot together. It’s actually funny because everyone sees us together all the time and people think we are dating. We are similar in many aspects and I have to admit that, besides my ex, there hasn't been another person with whom I have had such a deep level of connection (we understand quite well each other’s needs and we complement each other quite nicely).I sometimes have the impression that she likes me because of small little things:-she touches me a lot-she calls me at least twice per day even though we see each other at work quite often-she sometimes drops little hints (for example, we live in a very multicultural city and we were discussing about our preferred nationalities. She then said she will probably end up with a “my nationality”, which was weird because I am the only person of my country she knows)There are times when it is clear that I am in the friend-zone (and I am fine with that as I never intended to take things further), but there are times where I get the impression that she sees me as something more (she has several girlfriends, yet she only calls me).Now, to be realistic, let’s talk about the shortcomings in our “relationship”:I suspect I simply am a convenient friend that does the job of comforting her... for now... She needs as she has no one for emotional support and is searching for someone. She comes to me to be comforted when things don't work out of her. To her defence, she has always been there when I have been down or weak.There are also some aspects of her personality that have been scaring me/turning me off:- I have seen how she treated her future ex-bf. She always criticises him behind his back.Almost everyone knows she will dump him. In front of him, she pretends to be nice, in love and caring. The guy doesn’t suspect anything. She is not in love with him anymore for almost a year now and she never dared discuss with him. She’s just waiting for him to move out of the country (due to unemployment) to break up with him.- She is quite vain and harsh with people who look average. I have taken her to a few parties and she always enjoys looking down on average-looking people (and makes fun of them) I am not a playboy myself, so I suspect she would think the same of me had it not been our "friends" status.- Show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are: all her gfs had been encouraging her to cheat on her bf. What kind of friends are they (they have been doing the same to their own bfs)? She could have cheated but hasn’t not, yet.She has a history of being in triangular love relationships with 2 guys.So, taking all these things into account:*I don't want to be the rebound guy once she breaks up*I don't want to be a convenient friend that she will toss around once she gets a new boyfriend (most likely scenario)*Even if we hook up together, I don't want to be the guy she will badmouth to others behind my back and pretend to be in love when in front of me.So, is it my desperation (for being single for so long) that is playing tricks on me? Am I so desperate that I want to believe that she likes me? Is she simply playing tricks on me and uses me for emotional comfort? I see all these red flags, yet I also realise I have not managed to connect so much with anyone these past few years. It is so nice being on the same wavelength as someone. I have met plenty (really plenty) of girls and there was zero chemistry. It makes me quite sad that the only person with whom it could potentially work has so many negative traits.I have the impression I have replied to my own question, but it would help a lot if someone objective could give me his/her opinion.Thanks in advance everyone and really sorry for the long post…Cheers! :)
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at work, has a boyfriend, move on, my ex, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 February 2014):
 Stick with being friends with her....
I wouldn't deem her a keeper. You already know how she treats her "soon-to-be-ex" - you think she would treat you better? And then add the whole work together. If it doesn't work out, how awkward is that going to be?
LISTEN to your gut, and accept that you can find chemistry with someone who is wholly UNSUITED for you.
Put her on a the back burner, look elsewhere for a girl to love and date.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): yeah, she may like you, but i don't think it's a good idea. after all. you said yourself that she's been encouraged to cheat on her bf. you don't want to be that guy, do you?
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (22 February 2014):
 I think she likes you but I think you should be cautious. She is STILL with someone and it dosn't seem right than they will break up when he moves - either they are together now or not. She might like you for the game so wait until you see a definite change in her situation before moving in...
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