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She's been cheating our whole marriage and I can't seem to leave her.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 December 2007) 4 Answers - (Newest, 17 December 2007)
A male Australia age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hi, I found out 4 years ago my wife of then 20 years had been cheating on me our whole marriage.

I eventually got her to tell me everything she had done. I wished I hadn't.

I couldn't bring myself to leave her because of the children. I did some horrible things to her when I first found out but as time passed I was starting to feel better about our marriage. I was getting very close to saying "I love you" and then found out she was texting a co worker. She had a second SIM card and they swapped messages saying they loved each other.

When I found this out sje told me she hadn't done it with him. I beleived her on this and still do.

I can't bring myself to leave her and one reason is I am scared that if we split I will be jealous of her.

I am so confused and miserable.

View related questions: co-worker, jealous, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007):

20 years of lies and mistreatment is quite a long time.

Based on your post, you seem to want a woman who is thoughtful, loving, honest and committed to a long term relationship. None of these attributes describes your current wife. You may want to consider looking for a woman who more closely matches what you want rather than continuing to exist in misery year after year.

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A male reader, HeartBlossom United States +, writes (7 December 2007):

HeartBlossom agony auntI recommend seeing a counselor or participating in a more complete support group such as survivinginfidelity.com. You're in the right place here for basic tips and quick evaluations, but dealing with infidelity usually takes over a year. Your situation sounds especially difficult.

Leaving would be completely justified, in which case you'll spend a long while getting your self-esteem back and gradually putting this behind you. That may well be the easy thing to do.

Staying means you have to be very strong, not just to bear it and learn to love her again--you also have to be strong enough to not hurt her back and to lay the foundation for a new relationship with her that is deeply rewarding to you both. It's incredibly hard and painful, because you didn't deserve this and you'll need all the help you can get to deal with your own pain, but if you don't figure this out together, then she'll do it again.

So it's kind of a new life, either way you go. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

This is really a sad story, to find that someone that you love (and have done for a long time) is not the person you thought they were - and at the very worst has cheated on many occassions, that must have broke your heart.

Im afraid the fact that she told you everything and then continued to sneak about txting a co-worker just goes to show that she has not respect for you or your feelings and quite possibly is also only in your relationship for the kids, like you. She obviously either cannot control herself, loves the attention or simply thinks that you are a mug that will eventually forgive her no matter what she does.

You are in the prime of your life and should be enjoying yourself, I think it would be wrong to say stick around - you deserve better, the kids will understand when they learn that their mom is not the person that they thought she was, depending on their age you will have to talk about living arrangements but I think that you deserve a second chance at finding happiness.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (7 December 2007):

rcn agony auntSound like she has some serious issues. If you are really wanting to stay with her, the help has to be something she is willing to seek herself. If she's not willing to, I'd say it's time to leave. Depending on your laws there, I'd establish grounds by her cheating that may allow the kids to live with you.

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