A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a dilemma, I love my girl but we have had problems in the past. I don't think she feels we can get passed it and I think she has feelings for another.It started as a long distance relationship 6 years ago, I live in England, she lives in the States, shuttling back and forth we manage to see and live together about 7 months of the year. Mostly me there.About 2 years ago we had a very bad row, she felt that she couldn't handle being married again, she was in bad marriage for 16 years or so before she met me.In order for us to be together more each year though we would have to get married for it to happen. I do love her. Dilemma: in steps another man into her life, we were fighting, she called it off, I am in England, from my understanding through friends in the states, she had a very intense sexual relationship with this guy she worked with.Turns out he was married, now they broke it off, they still talk on phone for a hour or so a day. They do not see each other at all except maybe once a week in public, for she does PC work at where he happens to be working. Neither work in same place as they did, they both quit. I am back in the States with her, I want to work on what we had and what we do have, I know she has feelings for me.She says she will try but am I putting too much on this, I want her to stop all contact with him totally, she says it is over and they are just friends, but knowing he slept with her for two years 4 times a week, I don't think it can just go cold and they will remain just friends like that.She won't cut him off completly and I feel like I am going to get hurt in the end. Am I wrong for asking her to stop talking to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): A relationship wont work without trust, if you trust her,as in her saying they are friends ,you either beleive that or you don't.Him on the other hand,he might not be trustworthy at all,but you have to go by how well you know your girlfriend in this case, you do have a right to ask it,but she also has the right to pick and choose her friends.She sounds like she has a few trust issues on her own with guys,maybe you both should sit down and talk some about past relationships and try to find the root of her problem of not wanting to get married to yu 2 years ago.Then maybe you both can try to work it from that point.With the help of understanding her fears and her needs,it might allow you to understand her more.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 No you're not wrong. It's normal the way you feel. You need to let her know how you feel, but in a constructive way. Tell her you're hurt by her contact with this person. Their relationship is over and she's in one with you. Find out how much she want the relationship with you. All though we should never control the behaviors of someone else. That's wrong to do, or expect to be done. If you both treasure the relationship and want it to work, it would be appropriate to end contact with those who have the possibility of interfering with the growth of your relationship. It may not be her you don't trust, but the guy she was with. He was married, sleeping with her, so he has proven to have no respect for his wife and marriage. If he doesn't respect them, he won't respect the one you are in.
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A
female
reader, L.O.S.E.R.  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 Hey,I know I could easily be incompetent to tell you what should you do but guess it's better than leaving you without any reply.I definitely think you have every right to ask something like that and just maybe you deserve something better than that kind of relationship.Maybe you should explain it to her and see how will she react-ultimatum seems to me like a good solution also.I realize it's painful to give up on someone after 6 years but it could be the best thing to do if she keeps communicating with him:(
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