A
male
age
51-59,
*iggin
writes:My first marriage ended after 17 years and it was heartbreaking. We had 5 children together and it took me a long time to get over it. Eventually I met my second wife and she was the girl of my dreams. We had 16 great years together, raising her children and my children under the same roof, and overcame seeming insurmountable odds and our realtion kept getting stronger all the time. She actually saved my life by researching where and how to best treat the kind of cancer I developed. She is such a beautiful person, both physically and mentally, and I have never loved anyone as much as her. She shocked me the other day when she told me she didn't feel the same way about me as she used to and wanted to separate, at least for a while. It's been rough on her lately because she is going through menopause and I think her estrogen levels are very very low, as she has also had a hysteroctomy. I have fallen into not being as understanding as I have been in the past, and I know that. She did make a doctor's appointment to have her estrogen levels checked, which she alread know are low. I guess my question would be, if she gets her estrogen level to where is should be, is there any chance she will be more sympathetic towards me than she is now. I want to save this marriage so badly and I won't be able to handle it if it doesn't work out. Thank you for listening
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male
reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (24 August 2009):
 I don't envy your situation, but all is not lost. All I can say is know thyself. Her estrogen levels may be low, but I don't think it is the source of her discontent, just magnifying it. You need to understand why you checked out of the marriage (you stated that you were not as understanding as you once were). You need to understand your feelings and what grievances you were holding against her. You were punishing her for something and not being understanding was the punishment you exacted. You have to drop all of your grievances against her. You need to understand that she is a human being and she is entitled to make mistakes. Love responds to mistakes with unconditional kindness and generosity, expecting nothing in return. You must accept this. You must fix yourself without expecting any kind of recognition from her. You do it because you love her - not because you will miss her when she is gone. That sentiment is not love, it is selfishness. Just look at yourself. Your wife had a hysterectomy. I can't imagine anything more devastating to a woman than to lose the very thing that makes her a woman - her womb! Instead of being there for her and helping her through this, you are worried about what you will do when she is gone and attributing her behavior to her low estrogen levels! And then you hope that estrogen therapy will make her more sympathetic to you???? Could you be any more selfish!In 2006 my marriage was on the rocks, I wieghed 365lbs and was completely unattractive and unattentive. My wife and I had not slept together in years - she moved to a different bedroom. The only thing that kept it together was comittment and the kids. My wife no longer loved me and I didn't love her either. We were both strangers living in the same house.I spent most of 2006 thinking about my flaws. Too many to count. How could I possibly fix myself when so many things were wrong with me? I had 3 weeks of vacation left and used it all in the month of December. While on vacation at home, I hit upon the solution - MAKE HER HAPPY!I realized that I could not fix all of my flaws, there were too many to count. What I could do was make each and every decision - no matter how big or how small - in terms of what I thought would make her happy and then I would follow through with it. I also decided that I would not say anything to her about it. I would just do it without expecting recognition because I loved her.I set as my goal for each day to make 80% of my decisions based on what I thought would make her happy. I chose 80% instead of 100% because I am human and need to give myself permission be be so. I visualized her face smiling or frowning at me with each and every decision. Should I eat the donut? No. Donuts make me fat and unattractive which makes her unhappy. Should I do the dishes? Yes, she works hard and it gives her one less thing to do which will make her happy. Should I get on the treadmill? Yes, for as long as I can each day. That will get me back in shape which will make me more attractive which will make her happy. I could list hundreds of these little decisions that I made each and every day. A funny thing happened along the way - the more I did to make her happy, the more I loved her. I did this for almost one year without saying anything. I had lost 120 lbs. I was running on the treadmill 4 miles every day. I was getting sexy again and attracting the attention of women. I was feeling good about myself and was taking care of the house. She did not have to do a single dish for an entire year. I cooked dinner when I got home before her or would help her cook if I got home when she was doing it. All kinds of little things. I was doing them happily. One day she asked me about what I was up to. I told her. She told me that she did not think she could ever love me again. I told her that I understood, but would continue to love her anyway - and I did. Eventually we started talking. I told her that she had to let go of her grievances against me. I told her that I could never repay the pain I caused her, but if making me pay made her happy then I would gladly do it for as many years as required. However, I pointed out that such a payment would mean many more years of misery for her because intimacy cannot exist in that situation. I encouraged her to try and do the same for me as I was doing for her. I promised her that her love for me would return if she devoted herself to me unconditionally - knowing that I would never stop doing the same for her. She did not promise anything, but eventually saw that she could trust me. She began to see that this was a permanent change in me and that I would not hurt her again. She eventually started being kind to me and cautiously worked to improve things between us. We still had fights and it was not this idyllic little setting. Lord knows my feelings were hurt many, many, times - and so were hers. But we endeavored through it - committed to making things better. Now our marriage is much better. It is not perfect yet and probably never will be, but it is getting better all the time and I love her more now than I did when we got married. It is not that immature "In Love" kind of feeling that I had back then. It is a deep and honest caring about her.That is where you need to get to. And you need to accept the fact that you may have already lost her and get over it. Give yourself to her unconditionally and expect nothing in return. Hopefully, love will work its way back into your life and her heart will warm to you again.
A
female
reader, starfairy  + ♥, writes (23 August 2009):
 Maybe do what she did but in reverse, research this on the net. Find out how her eostrogen levels are affecting her and making her feel. Talk to her, tell her how you feel,but don't pressure, tell her she can have all the time in the world and actually DO let her have all the time in the world, sounds like she's going through a tough time and needs to cope in her own way.
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