A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair with my personnel assistant (PA) for the last 3 years. I gave her preferential treatment in terms of promotion, gifts, conference trips and salary. At the start of the relationship I thought she was going with me for advantage but we did fall deeply in love as our relationshep developed. However, recently she has been having guilt feelings and wishes to end our affair. 1) Do you think it is reasonable to withdraw all those benefits that I have given her over the years? 2) How can I calm my feelings for her since I am still deeply in love with her and will have to see her on a daily basis.
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male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Professionalism... FAIL! You can't demote her and reduce her pay because she's stopped sleeping with you, because she feels guilty as she knows what you are doing is wrong!
I think YOU need to resign over this as YOU where the one abusing your position of authority, if you found out about a subordinate acting the way you have done what would you do? Sorry, what would an honest employer do, I'm sure you'd blackmail them?
If you are going to pay for sex in future, find a prostitute it'll be a lot less messy in the long run!
And finally grow up, you are in your 40's!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): I am the person who posted the question and appreciate your advice. Of course you are all correct and I had no intention of affecting her position but only the gifts & trips.
When I suggest she looks for a new boss she gets very emotional so it will be a case of finding a co-existance. I agree, that I gave everything to her with a good heart and the best thing to do is stop the gifts.
I will cherish the love we once shared and its hard to imagine life without her. I dont regret the affair although the ending is the most painful experience one can go through.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Here's what I think you can stop: no more gifts, no more trips that she doesn't need to attend. What I don't think you can do, I'm not sure legally or not, is take away her current position and salary. You can't demote her for ending an affair. All the extras, those should stop.
Jessica is completely right, you should have an honest talk with her about her transferring. You two shouldn't be working together, it's counterproductive to business.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, loving arms +, writes (7 March 2009):
You cannot take back what you have already given. You gave with a good heart, surely to take them back is just being mean. I am not sure if you or your lady friend are married or if its both of you. If its you then are you being fair to expect her to be yours forever when she is the one who sits alone at home waiting for you to fit her in?
Maybe you are both married and she's on a guilt trip. Being mean to her will not bring her back to you. If you really love her accept her decision and maybe she will miss your relationship and change her mind. Either way cherish what you shared.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Well, if you ask her for everything back then she could argue sexual harassment that she felt pressured into having an affair with you.... and blah blah blah. It can all get very complicated.
If you two really did become close, then maybe talk to her about the idea of her transferring to a different dept or boss, so that you two can get some space and let things settle. Just let her know that as with any relationship, it can be emotionally hard for things to come to an end, and you don't want to develop feelings of ill will towards her.
Hopefully she will be understanding, and she may even be wanting the same thing. However, it sometimes is not possible to take away a promotion from someone with no tangible evidence to show the HR department, or the legal department if she decides to sue or file a sexual harassment charge. I would just stop being the sugar daddy from here on out.
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