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She thinks I'm over sensitive to a lot of things...

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 October 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 16 October 2008)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So I was with this girl for 2 years, we broke up for 4 months and have just recently started talking and being intimate, possibly getting back together. However there are some things coming up that bother me a lot. She thinks I'm over sensitive to a lot of things, and that I need to talk to her to make me feel better about them. I keep trying to explain to her how what I'm feeling is legitimate, but since she doesn't handle things the way I do she doens't understand. Just some background, we go to college about 2 hours away from each other, so we see each other every other weekend.

Example: The other night we were going to webcam and chat, but she wanted to watch gossip girl. So I agreed and waited until it was over. At 9 when it was over, she wanted to watch heroes. So I agreed and waited until that was over. So she didn't really do anything until about 11 when she said she was gonna go to sleep, and that there would be time to webcam another day. I was pretty irritated by this because I really wanted to webcam with her and I was bothered that we had a plan and then she just changed it.

She thinks I am too sensitive about the above situation. She says that if I did that to her, she wouldn't be irritated. She also says that when she does get irritated, she just handles it on her own and doesn't tell me about it. I personally think that that defeats the purpose of having a relationship. Why wouldn't I want to know when she's upset, so I can work on whatever I'm doing that upset her?

I need some advice because I don't know if I'm right or if she is. I admit that I am over sensitive in other areas of life, namely in social situations, but I don't think I am being over sensitive about this situation. Any thoughts are greatly apppreciated, Thanks.

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A male reader, Crafter Bulgaria +, writes (16 October 2008):

Crafter agony auntTO EVERYONE! Life is a game, but when it comes ot relationships... boy...

You have to be aware all the time, anytime. Every action has a reaction and that applies here as well. At first it seems as if you don't know how to be with that person, because of all those "games", but later you'll get good at it and know how to handle pretty much anything that a girl can throw your way.

That's exactly why I hate Hollywood's sleazy, sappy romance movies that try to tell you how wonderful and easy love is. It's not! It's great and one can't/shouldn't live without it, but it is NOT easy.

I can promise you that if you pay attention to what she says and what she does, you'll get in the game really fast and then it gets easier. It's all about boundaries. If you push too much, you get war. If you let them get into your territory - it's war again.

Even though it's not exact science, I'm pretty sure it applies to everyone. It's almost never the same with two different people, but it's always the same basic rules.

I'm glad to see you've given this some thought. Building a confidence is hard (something I'm working on for years now) and demanding. I'm sure you can make it.

Best of luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the answers guys -- It really made me think about a lot. I think the real issue here is that after 4 months of not talking to her and taking an interest in myself, she really respected me. I've found it difficult all my life to have confidence in myself, and I think during our 2 year relationship she saw that and after a while she just didn't respect me because of it. I added to it by letting her walk all over me. She would do all of these bad things, and I would come back to her expecting her to apologize, instead of demanding respect by just not talking to her and putting the ball in her court. I tend to handle those situations badly.

But now that we've started talking again, I'm afraid I've started to slip back into my old habits. Maybe I try to talk to her too much, or maybe she is testing the waters by dangling something to me and taking it away only to see what my reaction is. I like the idea of just doing my own thing and ignoring her when she does that, to show her that I don't need her. But seriously... does that happen with everyone? I really hate that you have to play those "games" with people and you can't just be honest about things. Like if I wanna talk to her, her postponing our talk only makes me wanna talk to her more. But it seems like when she does that I have to step back and handle the situation by making myself unavailable. I dunno about you guys but I think that really sucks. Or maybe it's just something I don't understand yet...

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A female reader, lotus mama808 United States +, writes (16 October 2008):

lotus mama808 agony auntI don't think it's a matter of sensativity. It's a matter of you wanting a certain type of relationship and her wanting a different kind. You two hardley see eachother, so it makes it that much harder when her drive to connect with you is not as strong as yours. Seems to me you are hoping for something a little more solid than what you have with her. I don't consider that to be over sensative. Have you explained to her that you get kind of bummed because you two don't see eachother that often, and when you get the chance to connect via web cam, she chose to watch TV instead? That would bum me out!

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A male reader, Crafter Bulgaria +, writes (16 October 2008):

Crafter agony auntI feel your pain, buddy

I also am a bit on the sensitive side, but I use to be worse which means that you can improve.

Some of us are like that, but I think that it originates from low self esteem. That damn lack of confidence...

I know why you're here and why you're directing this question to people you don't know. It's because you already know the answer, you know something is not quite right.

You'd probably feel like crap if the girl started comparing you to other guys that don't seem to care about the things that you care. If she said "Why can't you be more like them?" Yeah?

It's alright. There is nothing wrong with you or her.

As a man though, you have to try your best and take control of the situation and yourself. YOU are the one that has to make HER want more, not the other way around. Do your best to take charge of things.

I use to do the same mistakes. Being passive and shy and letting girls make decisions for me. But things have changed since then. Sure, I still got lots more to learn, but looking back now, I can see how wrong my attitude was.

It's not about being bad or mean to women, not at all. Be nice, respect them, but don't let them walk over you, because in the end it will be you who will suffer. I know it from past experience.

So next time she decides to do something else, rather than chatting with you - ignore her. Show her that you do not need her undivided attention to be happy, even if you do. I promise that she'll immediately see the change and ask for more of that new and more confident "you".

Keep us posted.

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