A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here's my story.Last summer, I started talking to a girl online. We slowly fell in love with each other, but she always said that she couldn't come to see me because she was in another country. We talked on the phone every night and online every day, and it felt perfect. After a little over half a year, I searched on facebook and found an interesting profile. It turned out that this girl was pretending to be an (existing) girl from another country the whole time. Her act made it seem perfect, and it seemed legit. I did so much for her. She "adapted" her life to other persona and identical names, etc, and made things seem perfectly believable. I confronted her about it and she broke down and confessed to me. She said that she didn't expect me to forgive her and I don't have to talk to her anymore if I didn't want to. She then said that in the process, she really did fall in love with me and can't bear to see me go. She wanted to just be friends at the very least, but more if I was willing to give it a try. I was pretty heartbroken. I really did fall in love with the girl I was talking to, but the girl who she pretended to be doesn't even know I exist. I know how to contact her though, I just couldn't get myself to.Anyway, we continued talking at night. I just sort of did it to keep her stable, I didn't really have much interest in talking to her. On the other hand, part of me still loved her for her personality and who she was.In February, she came to visit me for a few days. She was overweight, and I wasn't very attracted to her. She was younger than me (the girl she pretended to be was older than me). She was very shy, yet she was like the same person I grew to know. Ever since then, we've been visiting each other as frequently as possible. I started to fall for her personality more and more, and to an extent, her physically. Slowly, it started to turn me off and I spoke to her about losing weight and eating healthier. She agreed, and she's been losing weight ever since. She puts A LOT of effort into making me happy, and she is VERY clingy and doesn't let me go. She does anything I asks as well (but I do not take advantage of this.) Ex: Find a summer job, and she went out to look for one.Now when I think about it, even though she's been losing weight, I've been becoming less and less attracted to her. We're technically almost at a year now, but I've been interested in a few other girls. I am staying faithful though, I've never cheated and never will. It's just the male instinct in me to want physical attraction, and I feel that if she loses the weight then I'll want her more. I'm a fitness model and personal trainer myself, and I constantly see attractive women and train with them. I am also a guy who does not base everything on looks. I can't bear to hurt her despite how much pain she caused me, and I still love her personality and who she is. I love how she treats me, and how sweet she is. I return any treatment she gives me, and she's perfectly happy and feels as though we'll be together forever. On the other hand, the skeletons she's put in my closet have been haunting me slowly, and I can't fight them off forever...what should I do?
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facebook, fell in love, heartbroken, overweight, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, this1wonthurt +, writes (3 December 2010):
If it's got to this point lets just be honest, you need to cut it off. No point in riding a dead horse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): Well this is very sad the girl pretended to be somebody else to try and find love because she was insecure about her outward appearance and believed she would never find someone to love because as she is like many girls in todays society, (brainwashed by magazines and so on that if you are not thin then you are nothing).
You say liked her personality and seems you got on very well with her online but when you finally met her it started to dwindle because you saw her outward appearance. She has tried to loose wait and done what you asked.
You have a serious ego problem you say you are now attracted to other women (no wonder she is clingy!!!!!)
I personally think you are an idiot and looks my friend are not everything as everyone ages and looks go in time. personally as i was a man i would rather have a girl who is on the plump side who loves me, cares for me and i get on with than skinny thing who in time when her looks go you find she is so boring you end up lonely in the relationship
Do not loose this girl because of your own ego
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Hmm, wile what she did was wrong, it is somewhat understandable in this society we live in where being skinny equals being wanted and being bigger means you'll be shunned by a lot of potential bf's. I think she never thought it would come to a meet and that she enjoyed the contact for what it was. The attention you gave her was something entirely new to her, while you're probably used to girls flirting and trying to catch your attention.
Anyway, if you're a fitness model and trainer, then it's logical you're somewhat desensitized. You have to realize that the average person may only meet 1/10th of the amount of pretty people you meet. Maybe even less.
I do commercial modeling and I've also seen six packs come and go. Just like I've seen tons of girls who are way prettier than me. It does bend your expectations a bit. But I've adjusted myself because I don't really like most people in that world. Looks is everything and pretty much all people talk about. Somehow it seeps through every conversation unnoticed.
What helps is taking a season off and just mingle with 'normal' people and just make a point by NOT participating in conversations about looks. Stop looking in the mirror often and stop flicking looks in windows to see your reflection, if you catch yourself doing that.
Not only does this help to set your priorities straight, it makes you more humble as well. The business we're in creates a lot of superficial and shallow people and before we know it, we're one of them.
Then try to give her a honest chance. You're a trainer, why not help set up a program for her?
If you can't get past her physical inferiority, maybe it's time to end this and cut it off. It's not fair to her either if you keep going while your feelings have gone cold. But before you do this, try the above and see if it helps.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Cherry_Blossom99  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 This is very sad, and it's very sad that this girl had to pretend to be someone else just so she felt she could have friends or boyfriends. I understand that she has hurt you, but i think it is very very unfiar of you to now be complaining that she is clingy and will do anything for you - i'm not surpised. It sounds like before she met you she was a shy, overweight and very insecure person. and where she has fallen in love with you, she will do anything to stay with you and keep you happy. If you are interested in other girls then i think you should let her know that things are not working. although looks are not everything in a relationship, and it's good that you feel that way and are not shallow, it can still bring a relationship down and it's not fair on you either if you dont want to be with her. Its just not fair if you don't both feel the same, try talking to her and let her know how you feel x
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A
male
reader, Barrybaggs +, writes (18 May 2010):
I think you just have to be honest with her. You don't have the right feelings for her to be a couple. And it sounds like you're hanging around with her out of sympathy. This is both giving her false hope and stopping you finding a proper relationship.
I say you talk to her and explain all this. Surely she must already kind of know anyway. You can still be her friend, but i think you should slowly try pull away from her and hang out less. How can either of you move on if you're both stuck in this situation?
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A
male
reader, sesantek  +, writes (18 May 2010):
You reall have to be careful here. The past does no good most times but to destroy d future if you allow it. Forget the past. Help her to loose weight. Encourage her. You may just turn around to like her again. All the best.
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