A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend needs to be alone right now, I have no doubt's that she's the love of my life so I'm going to do everything I can to keep her.We've been together for 2 years. We met on the west coast and fell madly in love and dated for a month. She then moved to another country for a year to go to school. We emailed everyday and called when our timing lined up, all the while still very much in love. I went out there to visit her about half way through her year there and thats when we decided that when she was done we were going to move somewhere together. We ran through a number of places we were thinking about moving but couldn't come up with a definite place. So she suggest moving back to my home town, some place she had lived before and did not like but she wanted to give it a chance. So thats what we did. We found an apartment and a number of months later I picked her up from the airport and we were off to our new place. Everything was great, we were great together, had no problems getting along. All the while she was trying to find a job and not having much luck. I know that getting a job in her area of education is really important to her and with the economy the way it is it's not easy for anyone right now. I told her that if she found a job I would think about moving where ever but that I didn't feel comfortable moving right now since I had no money to move. I felt like we just got settled in our home, and that I would have to try and find another job somewhere else, and that would be difficult. I told her that I would move just about anywhere except the west coast because I just came back from there and wasn't very fond of it. That was really the one place that she wanted to be and I wasn't so sure of it.Well our 1 year in our place was just about up and she still had no luck finding a job. She could just not stand it in the city we were living, didn't feel safe, didn't know people, could not stand the cold. I understood this and suggested that if she found a job somewhere we could talk about me moving there. So she decided that she was going to go back to her home town, stay with her parents and look for a job in a city we could both move to. She could not stand the city we were in and didn't want to start being subconsciously angry with me for being stuck in a city she couldn't stand, I understood.So she moved back home and we were back to a long distance relationship. The first 3 weeks seemed just as before, emails, texts, and calls when we could. Then she got a little distant, didn't return texts, didn't call as often. So the next time we got to talk she told me she pretty much found a job in her hometown, which is quite far away and kinda hard to get to. They told her if she volunteered long enough that they would do everything to get her a job there. I was excited for her and sad because my only option to stay with her would be to move some where that I was very against in our other moving discussions. About a week later of minimal talking and and I had decided that I would move there for her, if she would let me. I told her that I loved her more that anything and if thats where she could find a job I would move and live there for her. I was 100% honest with her about my feelings and how much she meant to me.Well she said that she needed to be alone right now and that she couldn't have me move to her hometown. Her hometown is very small, everybody knows everybody and the only way you can get there is by plane or boat, so it's kind of cut off. She is 4 years older that me and about to turn 30, living with her parents currently, and want a job in her field of study very much. She said that she needs to be home right now and she needs to be alone. I understand why she needs time alone, and want to give it to her. She also said before we could even talk about me moving there we had to talk about our issues, which were my younger age still seems to bother her, that when we moved in together is was to much too fast (I had some heath problems and spent sometime in the hospital during our year, so it defiantly wasn't easy for either of us. She was nothing but an angel to me). We ended the conversation deciding to talk occasionally and she told me I mean the world to her. I love her more than anything and know in my heart that she's my true love, and if jobs, and home's lined up we would definitely be together. I completely understand her needing to think things out, she's about to turn thirty, she's living at home, doesn't have a job, it's the holidays and all her siblings and step-siblings are coming into town (and I know that stresses the shit out of her).So meanwhile I'm heartbroken but going to give her time to sort through her life and support her how I can. Letting her do her thing and not being pesky or needy. I want to work this out and maybe once she settles on her own at home she'll invite me there? Or we can find another way to work this out? I'm not giving up on this girl very easily because I care about her so.Any advice would be very helpful. I've been reading a lot about what I should and shouldn't do in this situation, some BS and some good info. Do you have any other ideas? Also this was half written therapeutically just to get stuff off my chest.Thanks for your help!
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female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 Well, I must say you've gone to an awful lot of effort to show her you care, and you're willing to give her the time she needs to get sorted...but danger signals are going off in my head right now for you..Going from emailing/texting/calling all the time to minimal contact intimates to me that she's rethinking your relationship, I hate to suggest that she's found someone else, but obviously her feelings have changed somehow.I think before you rush into anything (moving to her isolated hometown) you need to think about what's right for YOU...Let's say you do move there, could you get a job there? Imagine the resentment that might come to pass if you can't get a job but she wants to stay near to her family and friends...disaster waiting to happen if you ask me.I'd probably write an email saying that you think you've been patient and fair in detailing your feelings to her, but you'd like to know where you stand... do you really want to hang on and on if she's not ready to commit to moving back in together? Once you know if your relationship will stand the test of time, you'll be a lot happier I'm guessing! Waiting is the hardest thing in the world, because you might just be waiting for something that'll never eventuate. Long winded though this advice was, I wish you luck in your endeavours!
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