A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, this is my first time asking a question like this. I mostly like to deal with my problems on my own but this time I need some help. I hope some of you read this and give me some advice.5 months ago I've met with a foreign girl on a meeting. I met her on the day she arrived. She was going to stay for 1.5 months in my country for educational reasons. We started to see each other and date. Then we kissed. She was looking for a flat and I offered my place. She came over and we spend that 1.5 months very good. I fall in love with her. And at the beginning she was not answering completely because of a guy in her country. She likes him but he doesn't like. Then everything became very nice.Then she returned and we started to see each other fairly everyday and talk more than 1 hour at least on each time. Then after 2 months I went to her country and see her and it was nice again. But on the last week she said she doesn't feel the samething anymore. But she says she enjoy my love towards her and she gives value to my friendship. She tells everything in her life with me. Fairly I know every detail that includes that guy issue.Not she decide to leave this guy too. My question is even if she doesn't feel anything for me it is great to have a best friend like her. But should I expect anything for the future? Because she says "right now I have no feeling but I don't know for the future" and also she says " I have to be %100 percent sure in order to say I love you even %80 percent is not enough to start"These things make me confused about what's going on in her mind.long story short : Is there any possibility to expect to have her back as a lover again?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 hi, you did very well. You respected the five days NC. You were a gentleman when she came online.
And she is still maintaining the distance, even from the way she responded, that told you so much. For instance 'read between the respones (hypothetical) after 5 days NC
1. 'Hi, feeling really tired, about to go to bed, hope you are ok, bye ABC'
2. Hi, That has been the longest 5 days of my life. I missed you So much. Can we talk? Bye, ABC
3. Hi, This is to say thanks for the good times. You are a great guy annd will make some girl very happy one day. Hope your life turns out fine and that you meet the girl you need and want. So long, and all the best in the future, ABC
So she is not yours yet. The door is still adjar, but not yet closed. Her response certainly did not fling the door open to allow her heart to be fully there waiting for your love.
She recognises the good qualities in you, but does not fully feel that chemistry.
If she had responded differently then you would either have had to see her response as ''closure'' ( and her response was not closure) OR to see her response was ''maybe, but I am still not sure''.
So if you choose to repy then your response has to be in the same vein. Pleasant buy not needy.
If she does want to keep you ticking along nicely in the background, and you ''on hold'', and she responds again, then make sure that you sound bright and happy and involved with new (non sexual) things. So join the gym, join a class to learn something new. Show that you are positive, and getting on with your life.
For instance by a reply in this vein,
Hi Lily, it was so good to hear from you. I had the best week, have been asked to make a presentation to 100 staff, getting that ready now. Joined the gym and did 100 laps of the pool there. Would really like to hear what you've been up to? Boss has been asking me if I'd consider learning Mandarin, if they were to post me to Beijing, bye for now, XYZ
Such a response is still letting her know you are happy, positive, not 'down' without her. But you are still letting her know that you'd like to hear more from her. And you are not pushing her to reconsider loving you.
However as I said earlier, you cannot be kept dangling forever. Too many more platonic messages from her about being tired/washing her hair tonight, then I would stay pleasant, respond shorter each time.
Then at a certain point, when you meet someone new, who you feel you have a chance with, then tell her, 'this is to say goodbye. I have met an amazing new girl and wanted to let you know that my focus will now be 100 percent on her. Thank you for the goood times and the friendship we had'
Then if she has any regrets that you were a gentleman, you liked her, you showed her respect, but she did not respond as you hoped. you gave her time. But she was hesitant, and so has lost you.
I do hope you can re-kindle this girl's feelings, but If, or when you lose someone important it can open the door in the future to someone even better.
Best wishes for the future,
Regards,
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were in NC for 5 days tonight she became online and instantly said she had a busy week and very tired and about to go to bed but wanted to say hello and she said she hoped that everything is allright with me.
I stayed cool and wish her good sleep.
I hope it works somehow...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. I think you are very right about that.
I have to put some distance and see the results. In meantime I have to keep myself busy.
One more thing the day after she said that she had no feelings anymore. She said you are giving everthing that I was looking for my entire life. Wish I could feel the same thing. I keep asking myself why I cannot respond to you. You are an exception in my life"
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 June 2011):
hi, as long as she is still talking to you and still trusts you enough to talk to you about so many different things, then there is hope.
But it does seem as if she is cooling a little in her feelings for you. So instead of being extra nice, in the hope that being extra nice will get her back, do the opposite. Respect her wish for space. Let her know that she will always be very special to you. Then back away a little. Also let her know you'll always be happy to talk with her. Then back away even more.
Don't contact her. Let her do without her trusted confidante. Let her feel the loss of you.
At the same time don't sit home hoping, twiddling your thumbs, nor drowning your sorrows.
Do some good positive things in your life, your fitness, your work, even be active in helping a charity for less priveleged people. Pain the inside of your home. Spruce up your wardrobe. Visit some interesting places.
If she rings, puzzled by your silence, then be happy tp hear from her, but not a sorry mess of gratefullness at her phoning. If she wants you back in her life then let her do some of the convincing to get you back.
Don't retreat from culivting frienships in your country. But while you are keeping busy, (but hope she relents and wants it back to how it was before) it is during this stage that it may not help to form a new relationship.
Now if she uses this break to distance herself even more, then she does not feel what you feel. And if that is the case after three to sex months, then you need to start dating again. But when one relationship does end it is a chance to learn and grow, better for the next relationship.
But if she starts to realise that the two of you had somethings special, and notices you are not as needy. It is then she may consider she is going to lose you.
After all, you are not avoiding her. Instead you are just respecting her stated
If she wants to resume the relationship, start very very slow. Woo her, as if it is a new relationship all over again.
And on the declarations of love? On that I think she is correct. True love can wait until the bonds are deep before the L word. Personally I like the idea of being utterly rock solid genuine, to say it. I think 'caring' is a great concept. I would prefer a sincere 'caring' more than a insincere flippant and 'not meant' 'love you all'
Do hopes it all works out. The path of true love is not always as we wish
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