A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I am madly insanely in love with my girlfriend, we have been together a year, split up a few times but nothing long term and the longest was for 4 weeks we were apart. Mostly it is to do with her ex partner. I am an incredibly insecure person with trust issues. She lied to me previously purely because she couldn't talk to me without me over reacting. We have split up at times I have found out shes lied. As times have gone on she has continued lying at times but now I cant tell the truth between the lies. I accuse her of cheating on me all the time, I think shes constantly sleeping with someone else or texting or talking to someone else. I know in my heart she isnt but my head is so involved with her I cant control this feeling of jealously, mistrust and whatever it is going on. I need to change it now as its getting to the point I am pushing her away by accusing her and checking up on her and its not fair because she IS with me. Please tell me ways I can begin to trust her again and realise she loves me and wants me before its too late
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her ex, insecure, jealous, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): Yes you are the cause of the problem.
But she is becoming almost an equal contributor. If your partner cant or wont trust you then you need to break up with them, not lie to them.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 September 2014):
 This is YOUR issue. YOUR insecurities and you are expecting HER to fix that for you, she can't.
Even if she started to tell the truth 100% of the time, YOU would still doubt, you would still accuse her, because even if you don't like feeling like you can't trust her - you like the control.
I feel real bad for her, I can't imagine why she stays with you honestly, even if she loves you. This kind of behavior is destructive, not only for YOUr peace of mind, but PUT yourself in her shoes for a few minutes? Constantly being checked up on, constantly being accused of doing things she hasn't even considered doing?
You are destroying her faith in herself. You are destroying her trust in you.
YOU need to find ways to DEAL with YOUR issue of control and insecurities. THAT is for YOU to fix.
Explaining to her that lying makes it worse for you, so you rather hear the truth even if.. it's not really what you want to hear. BUT don't you dare blame your insecurities on her. THEY are yours. And yours to fix.
I will second the finding a counselor/therapist, because it sounds almost OCD in nature. And yes you can have obsessive thoughts of relationship issues that ARE not even existing outside your mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): Sorry, but no one can tell you how to trust another person.
Trust is something you build between you. It grows when that person proves themselves as worthy, and you've done the same.
When you say you're "madly insanely in-love" that translates into "madly possessive" and "insanely jealous."
You can't go around accusing people of things you have no proof of. The bad part about it is, you wouldn't stand for it yourself. You wouldn't let anyone getaway with accusing you of cheating if you didn't. You'd "overreact" with anger.
You treat her like property and scare her into lying. You overreact and she feels threatened by the aggressive behavior. She only comes back; because you must relentless go after her until she gives in to you. Mainly afraid of you.
You need some professional therapy to deal with a lot. I think if you got some counseling, you'd calm down considerably; and you would understand more about yourself.
Meanwhile, I feel really sorry for her. I know you care about her; but what you're doing to her doesn't demonstrate your love. It makes her think you're out of your mind. Period!
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A
female
reader, ScriptsandPoems +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Hello!Well, I definitely see many of the same traits within myself, in you as well. So I couldn't help but reach out to you. I am very insecure. With insecurity, and trust issues comes a price. Unfortunately, us insecure folk are our own worst enemies. We can make a beautiful situation a disastrous one in an instant. Trust issues are derived from people in our past doing us wrong. So, when the actual right person comes along, we STILL question their motives or if they truly care about us or not. We suck the positive energy, happiness, and love right out of the relationship even before it begins. So, to answer your question in many ways... You first have to work on you. Believe me, I'm currently doing the same thing. We cant expect the other person to change if we wont change ourselves. Like you said, she IS with YOU. You're stealing the joy of today away from yourself, because you're worrying what may happen tomorrow. Just take this one day at a time. That's all we really have certain of this chaotic life is right now. So, enjoy that. Right now, you have her. Right now, she has you. Love her. Love her until it literally kills you, and then love her even more.
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