A
male
age
36-40,
*anBing
writes:Hello all. Fairly long dilemma/question, here goes….My girlfriend and I are now approaching 4 months together. It has been both the best and most depressing time of my life. I am totally in love with her. I fell for her when she had a boyfriend. They were together 3 years and mid way through that she cheated on him, they stayed together but it inevitably ruined their relationship. He fell out of love with her, moved away and their relationship was over before it was over if that makes sense. I was there for her through the final parts of her relationship, as a friend but also because I had fell in love with her. Through me being a good friend and being there she fell for me too and although we didn't sleep together she cheated on him with me. We were together all the time; it was like a serious relationship even though she had a boyfriend, which we could get away with because he lived miles away. I felt awful about this but I was in love! I felt I was being messed around so I told her sort things out with him or I'm gone!She ended it with him. I was there for her through this part too. BIG MISTAKE. After only two weeks we decided to give it a go. That lasted 2 days when she changed her mind, which obviously killed me! Said she needed time. Only a week passed and she came back saying she wanted to be with me! We have been together since.I thought this background information was absolutely necessary because I think my problems and insecurities are down to what has happened in our and her past.I have a number of issues. I have a huge trust and jealousy issue. I feel bad because she promises that she wouldn’t do that (cheat) to me because it ruined her last relationship and she has grown out of that phase etc etc. I desperately want to believe this, I know she cares about me and doesn’t want to hurt me but I cant get the thought that she might/is/has out of my head. She does have a history of it. Just take the way we got together as an example.The other thing is she is a real flirt and has lots of male mates. She is also very attractive and I know a lot of guys fancy her! I don’t mind the male friend thing so much but do you think I am trying to change her if I ask her to quit the flirting? I know flirting to a certain degree is fine but she is quite extreme with it. Should I just put up with it? I have confronted her once when I thought that she fancied and flirted too much with one friend of ours (the friend in question is my best friend, I know he wouldn’t do anything!). She said I was being stupid!How can I get past al these jealousies and trust issues.The other big problem I have is the fact that certain decisions and actions she takes make me think she doesn’t consider my feelings and isn’t as bothered about ‘us’ as I am. Lots of small trivial things contribute to this. The following reason is stupid but gets to me. On her myspace page photos section she has none of us two together. It has been 4 months; there are loads she could upload, I have several up. When I asked her she said, “that’s because the page isn’t about you”. That made me more upset because there are several of her and her friends (male ones) together, some of just them on their own with her not in them! Yes its about her and her life, its as if she ashamed of me or our relationship doesn’t mean anything to her or she doesn’t want me to be part of her life! Everyone has photos of him or her and their partner on myspace! This is stupid I know, it’s not the only thing but the one that gets to me frequently!I need to get past all these things because I am not comfortable in my relationship yet. Most of the time it is amazing. Please help if you can. Thank you!
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best friend, fell in love, flirt, her past, jealous, myspace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): You deserve someone who cares for you as much as you care for her. That's the top and bottom line. She's not the only fish in the sea. If you walk away slowly, you will get over her. Need I say more.
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (18 August 2007):
 Hi
Yes, move on. You started the relationship when she was with someone else, we have all done that at some point & its rare to ever last long. All people should have a period of adjustment after splitting with someone, or they are on a rebound. I dont personally think there are any exceptions to this. Even if you chose to end the relationship yourself.
You know what shes capeable of & your instincts are telling you not to trust her.
Unfortunately you will probably go through a few more months of this rollercoaster nightmare. I did it for a year with someone i just knew wasnt being genuine, and i ended it eventually. Only to find out afterwards i was right from about a month after i met him onwards.
And its not til you get out of it you realise how much you actally had a terrible time, i felt like i had been on another planet all that time & had suddenly got back to normal. And i cant believe i was sucked into it so many times when i ended it with him, only to let him talk me round again.
Ewwwww honest. It is an unreal feeling once its over.
I hope it works out how is best for you though.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, DanBing +, writes (17 August 2007):
DanBing is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much!Any1 else got an opinion?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 August 2007):
 Yep, some more advice. It's not true that once a cheater, always a cheater. If you feel you can trust her, then, give her a break and treat her as if nothing happened in the past. This is the best way to maintain the relationship.
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A
male
reader, DanBing +, writes (17 August 2007):
DanBing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't quite understand what you mean here.
I'm not accusing her, I haven't told her about my insecurities, hence me being on here!
She does have a history of it, so it wouldn't be a false accusation if I did! Yes I will happily admit I did wrong, he was, and still is none the wiser and I still have that on my conscience. However I didn't have a commitment to someone else and I was the one who brought an end to what we were doing.
That's in no way saying i'm innocent or anything yet I was happy to deal with the consequences. However she didn't tell him about us when they split up!
Its down to me being paranoid thinking that she will do the same thing to me. I just don't know how to deal with this, once again why I'm here for advice!
Can people really change. All my friends say once a cheater always a cheater, I know everyone and everyone's situation is different however.
I suppose I just have to trust her and get on with things??
THanks for the advice on flirting. Next time I get an opportunity (when she's doing it) I will mention it!
Any more advice?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (17 August 2007):
Being cheated on is a risk you need to run if you're in a relationship. And, of course, you cannot expect anyone to say s/he will cheat on you; but, for obvious reasons, you can expect people to say they won't.
However, I don't like what you're doing here. You are accusing her of having a past of cheating. I suppose you would not find fault in her for cheating on her previous boyfriend WITH YOU. You were a cheater, too. Don't feel you're at a higher plane than she is.
I don't know why she cheated, and cheating is always wrong, but, apparently she did have issues with the former boyfriend. That is known to contribute to cheating.
As to the flirting, you're right. She should not be doing that. And it's not unreasonable to ask her not to. What if you were flirting with women? Would it be unreasonable to ask you not to do it?
I am afraid that the way you got involved is not the best. She was still in a relationship, and was forced out of it. This is why she needed time to think about the relationship. And, I see you're also having issues with her. Perhaps you two should have a very long and honest conversation about how to improve what you have. Yes, you need to get past all the issues, but, you two need to have solid ground, too. I think the relationship started with a shaky basis.
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