A
male
age
41-50,
*ajito_moreno
writes:Hi Guys and thank you for reading! I have been with this girl for 1 year and a half. After 1 year she dumped me because she thought she did not love me anymore. I called her again and again, but nothing, she would not answer my calls. I let her go, and called her again after 2 weeks and slowly we started talking again. Finally after 2 months we got back together. The first 2 months were good but then, I feel left out of her life, she doesnt express her feelings and I need that to know where I stand, some assurance basically. Whenever I asked for that, she says that I go too quickly for her, but I think she is not the type of girl who talk about her feelings, as she is scared that they are going to change, like with her exs. Also, this summer in july she visited my family for the first time and there I proposed to her and she said yes! Then, 1 week after we went on holidaay, there she changed her mind , saying she was not ready or sure of her feelings. I was really disappointed and angry with her. But I accepted her point and despite some arguments and frustration, we had some good time. At the end of our holiday she started having some kind of panic attacks, she would be awake during the night and cry for no reasons, finding it hard to breathe. Back in London in september she saw a doctor and he advised her to see a psychologist. At that time, she left a letter on her desk which she wanted to send to her friend in France and I could not help to read it. In that letter, she says that she's been with me for 1 year and a half,that sometimes she does not know what she feels for me, she can love me 1 day and the other not. We were also planning to move in together after the holiday in september, but again, she postponed it and changed her mind 3 times! I am now stuck in this flat from where I wanted to move out since september, as I don't get along with my flatmates anymore so I sleep mainly in her place as I cant stand to be in my flat anymore. In september she started calling her brother in law in France who is a good psychologist, and talking to him via the phone for hours twice a week. He advised her to take distance from people, from her family, and think more about herself. It was hard for me to see her taking distance, because I was scared to loose her. You have to know that her father died 5 years ago and so she slowly took the role of her father, providing financial support for her mother and being deeply emotionally committed with her and her brother who is in a mental institution. So, basically her doctor told her that she needed to take distance from that and think more about herself because in her family she was not the daughter but the father. He said that even if the man of her life would walk past her she would not see him as she is already committed with somebody, her family. SO, since then, she takes distance from everybdoy, she is distant some days and closer others. I think inside there is a clash between what she feels for me and her fear of commitment. It's hard to be with her, I am scared to open my heart, to be hurt once again like last year in march when she left me during 2 months. I have not told her I love you for 4 months and neither has she. I love her, but I cant trust her anymore. I don't know what to do, because that what love is all about, loving and saying I love you. But it's like she's preventing her feelings to grow. I have been talking to a counsellor once a week for the past 6 weeks and she told me that I was suffering from affective dependency and that I needed to find my balance, not depend on her that much. Go back to salsa, basketball, see my family more often. I know that, but at the moment I am scared to loose her. I am so lost I think I leave her and suffer now, instead of suffering more later. But I love her like crazy! This week end, after we had an argument on the phone, about her getting distant, about not telling me I love you for 4 months (to which she replied I havent done it either). So on saturday she did not call me for the whole day and I scared I thought she wanted a break, so I did not sleep at all. On sunday I called her to eat out, I asked what was wrong and she cried. I told her that I was there for her, to help her. She just wanted some space to breather, she told me she is at a stage where everything, annoys her, she gets annoyed easily, work, family, me... And even little thinhs like sleeping in her room is hard for her, coz she says as the psychologist says she has an issue with space. We had a nice day on sunday, went for a walk and she even let me sleep in her room. But its ok till when, I dread the next crisis..HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
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a break, flatmate, got back together, her ex, I love you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 This is a really difficult one for me as I, honestly, understand her and feel sympathy for you.
She could have other types of psychological stress that she has not been able to work through. Maybe other relationships that didn't work out, an unhealthy marriage image or fear of the future in terms of a serious relationship. She might be clinically depressed or have any other psychological condition that is deeply seeded. The thing is none of these can be worked on in the phone with a family member. He is probably just trying to help as she won't contact another mental health professional but what you describe here needs a lot of work. The thing is you CAN'T make her want to work them out. She needs to want that herself. You can, however, suggest she does so and support her in it.
From a very VERY selfish and subjective point of view I would say: stick to her. She can, if she desires it enough, work through it with your help. But this will be emotionally draining for you, and you need to know that from the get go.
My suggestion: talk to her, tell her how you feel and what you think might be her problem and how it is affecting you and the relationship. Offer to stay in the relationship (if that is something you can stick to)to work things out. Give her time and space. Do not bring up marrying or living together just yet. Move from were you are to a place you are more comfortable with and were she can visit whenever she wants to. Tell her there is only one condition: she looks for and complies with professional counseling. Maybe someone who can see you independently and then as a couple, to help you figure out if it might work.
It might not be easy. Is she worth it, for you?
Best of lucks!
A
female
reader, JoJoe  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 Hiya!
wow what a question,
I think you have a case of wet wellies here!
she obviously knows this relationship is serious because its been a year and shes either scared of commitment or shes playing with your head.
To be honest i think you should ignore her for a couple of days and play her at her own game she will soon come running back.
On another hand i also think you deserve better you'v done enough chasing.
she finished you for nothing really and you took her back and now she decides to act this way i say it should be you wearing the pants instead she is, come on man pull yourself together :D X
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