A
male
age
36-40,
*ionRAWR
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I love her more than anything. (I know it's a lot, but i'm really trying to get this right. I potentially want to marry this woman.) I'm trying to find ways to keep the spark between us going. To describe her best, she's a beautiful tomboy with a short temper and pillow soft emotions. She's my best friend, we do everything a guy would love: Hang out, play video games, sex, she cooks, and we still get our free time because of our different crafts. In return, I protect and keep her happy. Sounds awesome right?A few concerns: Her attitude drives me insane. Usually she's a sweetheart. I'm talking rainbows and sunshine sweet. The drawback to it is that the tiniest thing said or done will end the happy streak. Now sometimes i'm the culprit so my approach is to wait till we're home and have a calm discussion like adults. That's when she becomes rage itself. I never really yell at anyone because it causes people to become defensive and less likely to find a solution. But she insists on yelling loud enough for the neighbors to hear, throw insults, impervious to all logic, and cut me off when I try to speak. I'm not the type to cause a scene so I just wait for her tantrum to end, then speak my peace and be done with it. I've tried a few things like telling her we won't talk until she decides to calm down. Works rarely, because supposedly i'm trying to "change her". I have a highly aggressive nature and I know it scares her so I never act like that towards her. So I tried just taking the blame for whatever the situation is or saying that she's right when she's wrong. I take the blame because I can handle being the bad guy if it ends another senseless argument. If those don't work, she yells, I try to talk to her, she doesn't care nor listen. That leads to her calling her friends and walking out the door and coming back whenever she wants. I never do any of those things to her in the rare happenings of me being angry. Another issue is that i'm becoming less and less attracted to her sexually and she knows it.I love her body, she's hot but her boyish nature turns me off at times. I've tried to discuss it with her, but her emotions kick in and she goes from tears to rage in less than a minute. She tries and I love her for it, dressing up is nice but I just want her to act like a lady at times instead of trying to compete with me. Ladies, don't be mad but looking sexy visually is a big issue for me. I'm a faithful guy and doing my best to make it work. I try to talk with her as much as I can but it never turns out well. Am I crazy for sticking around? I keep hoping if she'll get better with time because I do want her. I just need some new tactics to try to get us back on track.
View related questions:
best friend, spark, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (15 August 2012):
 It's great that you sought out an outlet to discuss your relationship issues. I realize it's not always easy for men especially, to discuss their problems. Good for you! I have found that in the last year or so since I have been posting questions, that it always makes me feel much better and helps put things into perspective. Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, LionRAWR +, writes (14 August 2012):
LionRAWR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies for the input. it's truly appreciated.Cally, She WANTS (she literally said it herself.) to become more ladylike and get her emotions under control. I love her being her rough and ready self, but in every relationship, both parties must come to an agreement. She's made her fair share of request and i've obliged. I'm just asking for a calm discussion and a little more sexiness to keep our relationship awesome. There's no way she feels insignificant. After 2 years of being together, leaving shoes on the floor, dishes in the sink, etc. is completely absent in our household. Those type of things get done as a team. I don't think that her controlling her anger is going to "change her" for the worse. Saying that she's not going to "get better" is an insult to her. I still love her regardless our issues. But you are right on there possibly being some bottled up stress. I'm definitely going to attempt to talk to her about that.The guy isn't always the one to blame you know. :) ~~ That's a smiley face. yep.Katie, Her tantrums are pretty random. Sometimes its twice a week, sometimes 5. It sounds like a lot, i know. I have pretty thick skin and multiple outlets to tough it out when it gets super chaotic. So maybe i'm the crazy one lol. I know I could easily go and find other woman which would make sense for most people but I guess I haven't reached my limit with her yet. I'm giving it more time. If she can shake the rage. i'll be fine. If not, I have no choice but to break it off. Ciar, You're totally right on not taking the blame to keep the peace. I know it's a terrible habit. At times, I remain vigilant in right/wrong scenarios, but other times I just don't have the energy to talk to a brick wall. The Children issue, you are DEAD ON! I've told her how I felt about her behavior when we have kids multiple times. Especially because I grew up watching domestic violence in my own home (another reason her yelling bothers me so much.). It pains me to tell her that because I can see it hurts her. I hate to hear that the spark is fading but I know it's true. I thank you for telling it like it is.Everyone, It's just weird because i've never been in a relationship like this before nor have I ever acted like this with a woman before. Usually, I jump ship at the first sight of crazy or disrespect. This time, I don't know what's going on. I guess it's time to grow my beard out and handle this because I refuse to be a doormat.THANKS AGAIN LADIES! I feel much better and not half as crazy as I thought I was. I'm not really much of a talker when it comes to relationship issues. This is the first time i've done it and i'm glad I did.
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (14 August 2012):
She isn't going to 'get better.' You can't have the competetive, video game playing, tomboy, you love to hang out with AND the obedient, lady-like woman at the same time.
Essentially, you are pressuring her to be a person that she isn't. Her mood swings indicate that she is very stressed out. Raging over a seemingly insignificant thing and arguing irrationally has to do with bottling up feelings and getting angrier and angrier about each and every seemingly little insignificant thing you do, or say, or don't do, or don't say, until she can't keep her happy mask on any longer...so she rips it off and rips you a bew one. Whatever she is screaming at you (whether it is about leaving your shoes on the floor, or dishes in the sink, making her do your laundry, not texting back, or about you trying to change her) you have done it so many times that you have made her feel insignificant...like how she feels doesn't really matter to you because you keep doing the same things to upset her like you didn't hear what she asked you to do dozens of times before, and like you obviously didn't hear when she screamed it at you in a previous argument.
If you listen to her and help her when she is obviously getting stressed out, she will never be comfortable enough with herself, you, or your relationship to even entertain the idea that she could dress up and be a lady for you. The person you want her to be is so far outside of her comfort zone, that you won't see her even try to be this person unless you can convince and assure her that you are happy with who she is. Whatever has happened to her in her life, whatever is stressing her out, it is making her self conscious.
...............................
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (13 August 2012):
It sounds like more trouble than it's worth, to be blunt. How often are these tantrums of hers? You have been doing everything right, in my opinion, but she seems way too childish and melodramatic to be in a serious relationship. Not quite sure how you've stuck in there for this long. You can love someone and want to be with them, but that doesn't mean the person is good for you. She seems to enjoy the dramatics and fighting, while you clearly don't. Does she make any real attempt to get her issues under control, or does she just expect you to accept it and take all the blame? God bless you, but she sounds crazy. There are TONS of women out there with all of her fantastic qualities, who are not raging lunatics. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders- I think you are selling yourself short by sticking with this chick. She needs to get it together, and if she doesn't, I think you will regret wasting so much time and energy on a bi-polar nutjob.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (13 August 2012):
 Number one, never accept the blame just to keep the peace. NEVER. The benefits are fleeting and everyone pays a higher price for it in the end. If she wants to act like one of the boys then she can learn to take it like a man.
You're flogging a dead horse and wasting precious time. That spark is already fading. You're losing interest in her. Instead of fighting it, enjoy what time you two have left before the light fizzles out altogether.
When you don't like something, you don't like it. You would resent anyone who tried to teach you to accept something you can't accept so why would you inflict this upon yourself?
She was a great friend and a wonderful girlfriend most of the time, but having to walk on eggshells is no way to live and if you have an eye toward marriage you also have to consider the welfare of your future chilren. Do you want to spend the next 20 years being late for work and missing appointments every time their mother is on a bender?
Small children aren't sophisticated enough to accept the blame when they know they're right just to keep the peace. What happens then? If you, a grown man, who can easily overpower her fears her what the hell is a 4 year old supposed to do?
Stop fighting it and just let it happen naturally. Once you accept it, you'll feel so much better.
...............................
|
