A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have feelings for a woman who has a boyfriend, and I'm contemplating telling her how I feel. Here are the details:About a year ago I made the decision to move to Japan. I have some Japanese friends on facebook, and I was chatting with them to let them know I'm coming, until I came across a picture of this girl. She was a friend of friend, and I couldn't believe how stunning she was. So I sent her an email, I have never done anything like this before! I basically said something along the lines that I thought she was beautiful, that we have mutual friends, and that I was moving to Japan. Well she actually responded, and we began chatting, later Skyping. She wanted help with her English and she helped me with my Japanese. During our chats I discovered she had a boyfriend. At this point I had already begun to develop feelings for her, but I decided it was for the best I didn't mention them, as we didn't really know eachother well.I met someone else online, and about a month after I arrived in Japan, we began dating. I stayed in touch with the girl who I met on facebook, I tried not to think about her as I now had a girlfriend, but truth be told I couldn't stop thinking about her. Well, we decided to meet up one day for the first time with our mutual friends. My girlfriend was not having that I go by myself, so she came along. When I met her for the first time, I think my jaw must have dropped to the pavement, I couldn't believe how gorgeous she was! I was all nervous, and anxious, it was completely uncomfortable. She seemed really curious about my girlfriend, asking her lots of questions. That was that, we agreed we should all get together soon.About 2 months passed, my relationship really wasn't working, my then girlfriend became very violent. She began stalking me, I tried to break it off numerous times, but I couldn't seem to get away from her. Then something else happend, I became very ill. I was then diagnosed with Hepatitis C and hospatilized for 3 weeks. I had no idea I was so ill, but I nearly died, my liver was shutting down. At first medical treatment wasn't working. It was pretty scary. After the hospital, I decided to get in touch with the girl from facebook again. We met up, and spent the day together. It was great. I was trying to figure out if she may like me. We joked a lot, asked eachother tons of questions. She was not afraid to touch me, she put her hand on my back numerous times. It felt very much like a first date. I explained to her that I was ill and I may have to return home. She said she was sad and that she was worried. We left it on a hug and I went back to my place. 2 weeks later I left Japan, I had no choice, I need medical treatment. I sent her an email a few weeks after I got back, I explained to her that I have Hep C. I also asked her if she ever wanted to come to Canada. She told me, she knew I had a tough time, she said it took courage to tell her and that she hopes I have a fully recovery. She also said that she would like to come to Canada, that she wants to travel a lot, but she wants to work on her English. So she asked me to help her again. Thats were it's at now. I really want to tell her how I feel, but of course I'm scared. She has been with her boyfriend for 5 years, so it sounds to me she is pretty secure in her relationship. Plus, do I want to be that guy that goes after another man's girl? Seems like a pretty crappy thing to do to me. I feel like we have a good connection. There are things that make me think she may feel the same about me, but I could totally be wrong. So, do I tell her how I feel or just suck it up? Either way, I will still help her with her English if she's still comfortable speaking with me. This sounds like a really bad soap opera!
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male
reader, playitagain-sam  +, writes (29 May 2013):
I don't really see the downside of just putting it out there. Chances are nothing will happen because she has her boyfriend and because of distance. But you'll feel better having put it out there.
Since you're not in Japan at the moment such a statement seems more benign. Of course you run the risk of alienating her, losing her as a friend, etc. But seems like a risk worth taking.
Approach it more casually, like letting her know you've really enjoyed your time together and getting to know her, and that if she were only single you'd be asking her out.
At least you feel better about saying something, at most you open the door to a potential future relationship if circumstances change.
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