A
male
age
36-40,
*uikslver39
writes:Dear Cupid,My girlfriend and I had been together for one year, and broke up recently. For both us, this was our first relationship, and got serious pretty quickly. We were talking about moving in together, discussing our future together, etc.The first few months, we practically lived together in the same city. Then we went long distance after we both graduated. During this long distance period, things went better than expected. I got a great job and got accepted into a graduate school in Belgium that I will be attending next year. She completely supported the decision. Then, she broke up with me on Halloween telling me she couldn't handle the distance anymore and it was driving her crazy not having me around. For the next few weeks, she would still call me, text me, and act as if nothing had changed - we even slept together a few times. It was frustrating to me, so I did something bad and yelled at her for playing my emotions and out of rage I called her a slut. She reciprocated and called me a loser and can't do anything with my life.The next few weeks afterward, I was an emotional mess, it was the longest time we went without seeing eachother. Then I did something really bad and logged into her email account and read some of her chats with friends to see what she was up to. I found out that before me she had slept with almost 15 guys and had a history of sketchy sexual behavior. I know she never cheated on me, but I also found out that within a month of breaking up she had slept with another 5 guys - one of them being much much older than her. I know she is still hurting, but this behavior is even more self-destructive.I still care about this girl, otherwise I would not be on here. I want to be with her, but the sad truth is I know I can't ever. She doesn't respect herself and doesn't respect me enough to giver herself some time before she sleeps around again.What can I do to communicate my feelings to her without her feeling judged or threatened?
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broke up, cheated on me, long distance, period, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (3 January 2011):
It isn't an easy journey (I know from experience), but you've arrived at the right conclusion. That girl is nothing but trouble.
All the best!
A
male
reader, quikslver39 +, writes (3 January 2011):
quikslver39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo to update.
I randomly ran into her on Thursday before the weekend. I said hello and told her it was good to see her and she was holding herself well.
I then found out that on New Years Eve and th following night she slept with one of my friends on an air mattress.
I think I've finally come to the realization I can never truly love this girl.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (28 December 2010):
It's tough as a good guy, as I'm one myself, but this is a life lesson that she needs to learn for herself. She's going to go through the usual stages - sleep around because it makes her feel good temporarily, then eventually she'll start to realize that it is a poor decision and that will send her into further depression. Eventually she'll get her life together.
Hopefully this all happens before she contracts an STD or winds up pregnant, but I don't really see how you can help. If anything, breaking contact might help her move on a little faster.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, quikslver39 +, writes (28 December 2010):
quikslver39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is her choice, I can't deny that fact. Although it bothers and hurts me, in the end I am no one to tell her how to live her life.
I do though, want to try and tell her what she is doing is only going to cause more complications and issues for herself by sleeping around so much. I was told by her best friend that she has been doing this because she wants to find "a substitute" for me, and I know that she is miserable.
I'm still very torn of whether I should just bite the bullet and drop it and move on or try and make her happy with herself. The thing is, I am not her boyfriend anymore so it is not my problem. This is where being a good guy comes to bite me in the butt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): She has the right to live her sexual life how she wants. But she does not have the right to dictate how other people feel about her choices. If you don't like her sexual choices then that's fine. There is nothing wrong with having your opinion. This is your life too. What we want in a lover can be much different from what we find acceptable in a friend or casual acquaintance.
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A
male
reader, quikslver39 +, writes (28 December 2010):
quikslver39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I def. agree with that. I've been telling myself logically that is the way to go about it. It is just difficult since this breakup is still recent, and we both fell hard for each other.I am a very forgiving person, however in a situation like this, I do not think that is a good thing.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 December 2010):
You don't have to give specific reasons, just tell her that you have come to realize that there is no future between the two of you. You're incompatible people. That it is her low self esteem and her questionable / risky sexual behavior need not be known to her, she should accept that you two simply hold different values. That's how I would handle this.
Another alternative is to just break contact and not return calls or texts. I gather that this is a long distance situation and that you aren't technically together at present. You could just leave it at that.
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