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male
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*llicitto
writes: is it normal to be insecured over my girlfriend relation to her ex partner? Back in july 05 i meet a very nice girl in a night club. In october i moved in with her and her 4 years old daughter. The first 3 months were really nice, we got to know each other, find out we had load in common, wanted to go the same direction in life, and could not be without each other. We didn't wanted to rush, I was coming out of a 4 years relationship, and she was coming from a 6 years relationship from which she has a very nice daughter.Since mid October we havent stop arguing all about the same subject, her daughter's dad. I never had a problem with her talking to him, but since i've been living with her, she broke down in tears 3 times because of him. They argue like if they were still together, she cries for 2 days in a row telling me she want him out of her life and never want to see him again or talk to him again. On the third day she's back chatting. 7 days after the first time it happened, she spend the whole saturday afternoon with him, saying he wanted to see his daughter. The following two saturdays, same snenario; however she claims she is busy, she's got coursework to do, her daughter to look after and so on, and havent got time for me. At the same time she became cold toward me and start pushing me away. That has created big, big rows between us. On the fourth Saturday, she came to tell me she is confused, and dont know if she can have kids from a different man, she dont want to be back with him but want more kids and all her kids from the same father, same familly so that it would be easier. Even if he is with the girl he cheatted on her with, she would consider getting pregant from him, so that there kids look the same. Plus she needs that security blanket in case things don't work out between us. I was moving out, my stuff was packed, I told her my way of thinking about her confusion, that spending saturday afternoons with him telling her he still loved her, that she is on lease, they are growing and needed that, that my relationship with her wont work, that they always said they would always be together no matter what happen, all of that can only be confusing to her. I told her that it's her choice if she is foolish enough to let her ex-partner that used to beat her, cheat on her, taunted her, let his mates says in from of her and him how come he is going out with such an ugly bird and him just laugh with them, that it is her choice to have the life she wants, but just be honest, say that you still love him, and you have never stop. I told her that I should not be in a situation were my partner is confused about those kind of issues, anything else we can deal with but not that. She said she don't love him, but cant stand to see no remorse for what he has done, cant stand to see that he dont care much for his daughter. Plus she wants him to be ok, that's why she spent time advising him on his relation with the girl he cheated on her with, and because of who she almost had a mental break down. I told her that for her own sake and respect she should open her eyes and stop being a fool. And I added that the day I walk out that door he will be straight back in, to which she said that's true. I told her she is the one reviving him, she should take her distance and stop looking back. Althought they have a child together, he should just see his child not her, and her contact with him should be keep at a minimum, he dont deserve her talking to him or advising him. She told me to stay, and I said ok but I am fed up arguing about the same thing again and again. We came to the agreement that she would keep minimum contact, just make sure he gets access to his daughter. However that would be the very last time we argue about that, I like to know where Im going in a relation, any more will mean we go our own way.Things started getting better, she wanted to give us a chance, we've booked ski holidays for chrismas. 2 weeks ago she told me he is coming to spend the evening with his daughter where we live. I told her it cannot happend, if he wants to come and see his daughter he needs to take her, i dont want to sit down and have tea with him! Obviously it is her house, so her rules apply and she wont changed what she said. He didnt come eventually, but may do so in the future.Last week end he took his daughter, and when he brought her back, my partner and him stayed talking, arguing and chit chatting outside for over an hour and a half. When i confronted her about that she said that she has spoken to him much over the past 3 weeks. The girl he's going out with have been making nuisance calls to my partner over the week end. Just after he left she found out that was her, she cried and was depressed all week end, took monday off sick, had more arguments with him, and told me she is crying because she feels they laughing at her, they take her for a fool, he has no remose, and cant understand why he is defending her, where he should had been telling her off. She dont understand why their relation is turning sour, when she wanted it to be civil. Generally speaking, she talk of him a lot, it is probably her main conversation subject and can't stop mentionning him, and on sunday when she cried she was saying how good and nice he was, how much she loved him and for sure he loved her, praising him and saying that she miss certains things like the 20 calls a day for general chit-chat.She has been crying a lot, and each time im the one to confort her. But that situation make me feel really unconfortable, low, betrayed,insecured, paranoid, sad, like a fool and also confused. I think she is not over him yet, far from it she still loves him, she always defends him, and I got involved into a story which is not mine. She told me this morning he was there before me, and will always be there. She cant stop talking to him because i dont like it, and if I go tomorrow at least he will be there.She's telling me she will always be in contact because they have got a child together. Im telling her that is ok to talk to him, but keep it short and just about your child. I dont want confusion or tears from you anymore, I love you and i can't stand seeing you crying, specially when you cry because of another man. I told her to try to see my point of view and my situation and how i feel, she said it always about me and my feelings when she is the one crying.I told her that in some ways she is looking for it. She changed her mobile number yesterday so that his girfriend cant make nuisance calls, and refused to give it to him. But he has her other mobile number, normally that phone is switch off, but i think from now on it will always be on. Things have taken a pattern where every months she talks with him fine, then they have a bad argument or he say make a comment she dont like, she cries, then she says she dont want to speak to him or hear from him anymore, that she is fine when he is not around. Then once she stops crying she say that she will always be talking to him, for however long she wants, that he has been there before me and will always be there. And i am being fed up with her inconsistency. I must say that she has been talking less to him over the past 4 weeks, or may be more in my back, or may be i have become too insecured? Since I move out from the flat i was sharing with my ex (3 months ago), we spoke to each other about ten times, and we haven't seen each other at all. She has moved on, i have moved on. I think it's ok to keep a civil contact with your ex, as long as things are clear and the relation is friendly. Child complicate things, but to my view she is not managing appropriatly, and her ex should be out of her life, her mind should be cleared all the time, and we should not have to have her ex in the background making troubles in our relation. And specially, she should not allow it to happen. Unfortunatly i think it will always be like that, no matter what i say, and i cant carry on getting upset, angry and low, it won't change a thing.I dont understand why she told me to come and live with her and her daughter, introduce me to her entire familly, makes plans with me and still behave like that. The girl I knew is not anymore, the sweet, smiling and happy girl have turned cold. May be it's me who is too self centre, insecured and cant see that she's making and effort. On Friday we're going for a ski holiday, i think when i come back i will have no other choice but to dump her. I want 2006 to be a better year, and I want to leave problems being, moved on. It will be paintfull because i love her and i want to be with her, but sometimes isnt it better to be alone that in bad company? I don't want that to happen, really, but i dont know what to do.
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male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (14 December 2005):
 Seriously man, I have been in a few of those and I am the father of one of those. You seem like a nice guy and you care. Maybe you should spend your time on some one who will reciprocate your kindness. GET OUT! I've had arguments with fathers, fist fights, tears and heartaches. But, I've never had a cool relationship with a father of the woman's child I'm dating. Doesn't mean I hate the father because I am one; just means that YOU are in the middle of something that YOU cannot control. I communicate with my X once a week and at a specific time and for no longer than 5 minutes to discuss ONLY our daughter. I will tell you that NOBODY better come between my daughter and me; but, as long as she is not putting my daughter into a bad ENVIRONMENT/SITUATION. I wish she would find a guy to take care of her. Obviously I could not! But, no guy will ever be called DAD in front of me. The other relationships I've been in have NOT worked out, because of the constent communication that X's use the child for. She has no right to be involved in his personal affairs. He has no right to her personal affairs. Yes thier is a child but even the courts will tell you that "they will do what is in the best interest of the child and that's where it ends". So if she's outside of that child's welfare then it's not healthy for the child to see Mom and Dad argueing. It's definately not healthy for the child to see mommy crying. One thing I do know for sure is that YOU cannot come between the child and her. No mother will allow you to dictate how this role will be played out, even in their right minds. You definately need to end this one because you have something to offer another woman. Love, compassion, and commitement. Do not however judge your next relationship because they have a child. You may never know the circumstances; I would however encourage you to ask them if they have child(ren) and how they communicate with the other parent. That is your right to KNOW before you commit to a relationship. The right to know that YOUR LIFE will be affected by another man or woman. When you have ALL the facts, then proceed with caution. Remember you will always be the last on the list in that situation so if you really are self centered you won't be in that situation. Definately end it before something stupid happens. You always hear stories of the X or current, who shoots the other over an arguement or weird stuff. Don't get involved in a tricky situation that you have no control over. Just find someone who appreciates you for just you. GOOD LUCK
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (13 December 2005):
 A lot of your problems may stem from the fact that you bothed moved very quickly from your previous relationships into your current one, after a long relationship a few months is often not enough time to work out old problems and rediscover who you are as a single. I do feel like she is stringing you along while holding on to her ex. She needs to figure out what she wants. You are right when you say she will always be in contact with her ex because of their child, but if she trully wants to have anything with you she does need to limit that contact to things about their child, she should have no reason to counsel him on his current relationship or argue with him. It is probably best that you get out of the relationship with her to save yourself the pain of watching her go back and forth between you and her ex. Take care and good luck.
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