A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:27... I'm starting to believe I'm sexually frustrated and can't resolve my problem... After I broke up with my ex 4 years ago, I never dated or been in another relationship other than fuck buddies with no strings attached, when I was with my ex I was very frustrated, I've always been very sexual, I'm the type of person that is always willing and have a very high sex drive.. my ex didn't even touch me for weeks until it ended after 6+ years.Now I'm with a new person, he was unexperienced, he is 28 years old and never had a girlfriend till he met me, we get along very good, we keep each other company, have fun, etc, but it seams I have the same problem with him as my ex that I have is that I would always want sex and he wouldn't... because of stress, loss of energy, not in the mood, etc. When we have sex it's so good that I'm very pleased and satisfied with the round, but we only do it like 2-3 times per week... I wish it could be more... not saying like daily but at least 4 times a week would make me very happy...What frustrates me most is that if I really want to have sex with him but he doesn't want to because he's too sleepy or not in the mood, I have to go to another room and masturbate, it feels good in that moment, but minutes later I still feel frustrated, he masturbates most of the time in the morning when I go to work, the worst part of it all is that he masturbates the next morning I asked him for sex and he said no.It makes me feel bad some times.. knowing he watches porn and jerks off when I'm not there when the night before I really wanted it but he was too tired to do it, I don't force him to do things he does not want to but it still hurts...He loves me a lot, cares for me, he has even told me that he does not prefer his hand over me, but it still makes me feel bad to the point of crying and braking things around me because of frustration.Why can he be satisfied with jerking off... I feel unwanted... masturbating has never been satisfying for me, I would still want more, but I want real thing.. not my hand! masturbation does not cut it for me to be satisfied, but it's either that or nothing...I mean.. one thing is to jerk off when I'm not there, but I have to masturbate with him there (in the house) because he does not want sex that time... I feel like shit, we're always having problems because of the fact that he masturbates while watching porn, why can't he reserve that energy so when we see each other later that day we can have sex... it might sound selfish but this is making me be very frustrated....what can I do?.....
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (17 October 2010):
 Definitely talk to him and ask him why he masturbates when you have asked him for sex only 12 or so hours ago. SlimShady is right, there is a reason why he's masturbating and not having sex with you. It may not be a bad reason either. My fiance has a stressful job and sometimes prefers to do his own thing than be with me. He does still attend to my needs, but it did take some talking (and fighting) for us to both to understand where the other was coming from.
Try to be nice though when you talk with him, masturbation and porn are not topics that most men want to talk about with their significant others. Use the "I feel..." statements and try to stay away from the "you make me feel..." statements unless it's "you make me feel loved" or something else good.
If it helps you, I am also a very sexual woman and want it at least 5 or 6 times a week, which is a lot when you both work full time jobs. We had a few fights and talks and when he realized why I wanted it so much, he didn't deny me as much. And, when I realized why he denied me so much, I stopped being so pushy. I usually get at least 3 times a week now, which I feel content with. Compromise is a good idea to think about right now. And, on average, most cohabiting couples only have sex 146 times per year (2.8 per week). You are already at, and sometimes above, the average.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I see your frustration. I can sense the need for a compromise here. I dont think its cool he's with you and looks at porn for his stimulation, he should be enjoying your body instead. Yes, is morning sex anything up to what you might like? Seems to me like he's mainly charged in the AM and thats normal for us guys. Its also normal for u ladies to have a high sex drive ... and if he cant get erect to keep up try suggesting some playful things that he too would also enjoy to aid in your satisfaction. Theres been a few times def where Im not in the mood and im pleasuring the woman and then BAM at the end of pleasing her, im ready to go. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 Just a suggestion.... if he is horney in the morning and masturbates then, perhaps suggest sex in the morning when he has had a good nights sleep and is less tired?
You want sex when you want it, not when HE wants it? Maybe he is more of a morning guy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): I thought I'd never hear this from a woman... I thought it was only guys who had this problem... Well, what SlimShady says is true, there IS a reason why he won't have sex with you and masturbate. You say you feel satisfied after each sex round, but maybe he doesn't know that. Maybe he thinks he is under-performing. As SlimShady said, you have to be patient, and lay off that frustration you have. Find out why he's holding back. I have had the same problem you have, but in reverse, me having a higher sex drive than my girl, and her not wanting sex even half the times I want it.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I know this is difficult to hear, but talk is what is needed, and a lot more of it than you are doing with each other. You will need help, and a lot of it, as both of you are going to have to open up a lot. You will need a counselor, and a good one, and if the first one doesn't work then you need to try another. It can be more frustrating than the sexual frustration.
Just moving on to another partner, or having more partners does not work. Trust me on that, although that was not the route I took.
I had the same problem with my spouse, not wanting sex as much as I did, not even close. It took a long time to understand why, three different counselors, and when I did find out it was not what I thought I would hear.
But, the effort was worth it...and nobody in the house is sexually frustrated any more...in fact far from it.
But it took a lot of patience and love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Hmm. well, your sex drive is totally normal...and so is theres. You are just a bit mismatched. I truly feel your current BF needs to lay off the porn and try to get in a rythm with you that makes you both happy. He owes it to you to try, since by doing it less than you want, you are already trying by compromising. However, your frustrated attitude has to go if you want this to work out. I realize how frustrating it can be to not get sex as often or as intensely as you need it. Trust me, I know. But you sound very angry that you have to masturbate and that he is too tired. Maybe he is tired. Maybe you need to be patient and find out what is making him hold back from sex and jerking off instead. THere IS a reason. If you are patient and find what is causing his behavior, then work to come to a common ground, you will make much better progress.
Guys will never admit they have a lower sex drive. It is emasculating and demoralizing to a guy to realize he is less sexual than his partner, because all guys think they have to be grade A porn star studs. If it doesn't work out, or you can't reach a happy middle ground with this guy, I'd really look for a guy who you KNOW will be as sexual. Why didn't these fuck buddies you had also develop into relationhsips? THere ARE gusy out there who want a relationship AND need sex...maybe even more than you!
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