A
male
age
51-59,
*lashtony
writes:I'm 46, my girlfriend is 35, we've been together for about 16 months, we told each other we loved each other after a year, we're both divorced with two children each. We do love each other, early on w did the whole... How many people have you sleep with thing, I've slept with a lot (I think)... About 50.. Only 4 of those were long term relationships... Most were either a weekend upto about a month.She told me that when she was in her twenties before getting married, she used to go out and get drunk and pull some guy and wind up back at her flat in bed with them, she said she had about 20 or 30 of these, sometimes she was with them for about a week or two, usually just the night. She even split with her prospective husband so that she could go off with some guy for a week who was married just before they got engaged, she said that they shagged each other senseless all week. She was faithful to her husband for 10 years. Most of the guys she went with were married.After they split, she started sleeping with married guys regularly,they used each other just for sex she said, they even used to text her pictures of their cocks and she would txt back saying how much she wanted them, she told me that she had about 5 of these relationships but I've just found out that she had about 15, she used to go out, get hammered and then do it with them, in her house, in her car, their cars, even outdoors, she got drunk one night and told me that she once asked a guy to walk her home then when he asked for a goodnight kiss, she snogged him then let him take her jeans off and go down on her, she said he took her from behind against a wall and that she loved it, she said that she had become the town bike, but didn't care, didn't regret it and loved the sex. She saw a couple of these guys concurrently all the time, before she met me. After we met she said she had stopped seeing them, but I know that some of them still text her, if she really loves me, why? She told me that the day after first going out with me, she went out with her mates, got hammered and ended up shagging some guy from the pub... She was so drunk, she doesn't remember telling me, she doesn't drink anymore because she can't handle it. I'm no angel and after my split I slept with 6 people, all for over a month and usually a couple concurrently. I really love my girlfriend and know that she's not cheating on me, she says she loves me and that all that is in the past... Our sex life is outstanding, we have great sex a least three times a week... Why does it bother me? I keep thinking of her with these guys, doing it in her house, in her bed, in her kitchen.. I'm ok when I'm with her, when I'm not my mind wanders.. I know that I just need to get over it, I've got a Beautiful girlfriend that guys will always hit on but she chooses to be with me, we lov each other and what is past is past... Why does it bother me?.. How do I deal with it?
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male
reader, Flashtony +, writes (1 January 2011):
Flashtony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAll your answers have been really helpful, they made me consider thongs that I had not done before...
She chooses to be with me
She may be trying to 'impress' me with her tales by sayin 'look how desirable I am'
It only bothers me because I care about her and worry that I may be hurt
I'm going to talk it through with her and hopefully we will both move on together. Thanks. I'll keep you all posted, any other comments really welcome.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I agree with the prior answer. In my completely unprofessional opinion, it's perfectly natural. Natural selection does not favor men who form long term relationships with promiscuous women because these men are likely to expend their limited resources on someone else's child rather than on their own children. Men who foolishly expend their time and resources raising the childrenof other men are lesss likely to pass their on genes on to the next generation.Jealousy arises when there are feelings of attachment to a woman. It's nature's way of warning men not to form a long term relationship with a promiscuous woman. You probably didn't feel jealousy in your short term sexual relationships because your brain "knew" you weren't going to enter into along term relationship with these women. Hence, there was no potential lost opportunity cost for you associated with this type of sex. Having said that, evolution isn't destiny, and it's the source of irrational emotions at times. You will have to decide if you can put it out of your mind. You will never "solve" the so-called problem of jealousy triggered by thoughts. All you can do is try to put it out of your mind.Logically, if she actually liked getting drunk and having sex with lots of men better than being with you, she'd still be doing it. Regardless of what she says, I'm not so sure she actually liked it all that much. Here's another home brewed psychological theory from someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation. This may or may not help. Cognative dissonance theory tells us that people will tend to change their beliefs to explain their actions. She may have been in reality doing it because she had a compulsive disorder, she was trying to escape from thoughts of a bad childhood, etc. (I just made those up as examples). She may have actually not liked it at all. But, if she believes herself to be someone who is in control of her life, or if she has a belief at some level (even if it's not consciously recognized) that her behavior was wrong, etc., she would need to come up with some explanation in her mind for why she did what she did in order to reduce the dissonance (conlict) between her actions and her self-image/beliefs. She may have convinced herself she loved it as a way to explain her actions in her own mind. i.e. it would cause dissonance for her if her behavior went against a belief she has AND if she also didn't actually like it.My little dissonance theory might be complete crap. But, if you can convince yourself she didn't actually like it and her behavior was simply the result of a disorder of some sort (that she has since overcome), it might help you stop thinking about it. For me, it doesn't really matter if the theory is wrong so long as it provides me with some mental relief.Here's another theory to try: she really wanted love, but she believed she was unworthy of being loved, and she thought that the only thing men would like her for was sex. No man ever actually loved her for who she was because they all thought of her as the town slut, and she knew this at some level. Once she got stuck in this downward spiral, mindless sex was the closest thing to love she could find. The more empty she felt, the more she had to engage in sex to try to fill the hole, even if she actually did't like the sex.She loves you, but due to her past experiences she believes at some level that you will be attracted to her if she tells you a lot of stories about how much of slut she was. This worked on the guys who just wanted to use her, but she doesn't realize it's likely to cause problems in a more serious long term relationship with someone who has feelings for her. Hence, she embellishes the stories to make herself out to be a sex goddess thinking this will make you want her, not realizing it's actually just causing problems.Here's another possibility: she has very low self esteem. She wants to let you know that other people like her and accept her, so she embellishes the stories to demonstrate to you how attractive she is to other men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I don't know why it bothers you, only you can know that. I wouldn't knowingly be involved with someone who had had too partners because I think it's risky behavior. Since you have had 50 sex partners I guess you should understand her also having had lots of partners?
If you have a stable relationship just consider yourself lucky that you have found a mate who loves you and who you are happy with.
The fact that she was abusing alcohol when she had random sex with multiple partners makes me think that this may be caused by other issues and that she was using sex as band aid of sorts. People who need to get drunk in order to have sex are usually covering up other feelings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Her past bothers you because you are a normal healthy male and you care about her.
It is pure evolution to be hurt by your woman having those kinds of habits. Your male ancestors could not trust these kinds of women about the paternity of their kids. So nature gave men painful emotions when they start caring about this kind of woman to keep us from risking raising anther man's kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): You have both had very full lives before you got together. Actually, I think she's given you a little too much information and detail - that's what is playing on your mind. You both have had your fair share of experiences, so you really need to draw a line on the past and enjoy the moment. I wouldn't ask her anymore about past flings and if she talks about it - say you really just want to enjoy the hear and now. She obviously thinks you can handle the info she's given you, maybe embroidered it a little, who knows. But don't let it spoil something good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Seriously, you said yourself you have outstanding sex. She is beautiful and most importantly she does not cheat. These are all the main things. BE glad you have her and when you want to think about anything else such as her having sex with these guys in kitchens, cars etc, just change your thoughts.
Also, don't think the other side is greener is. I'm a 28 yer old virgin and all my partners leave me when they find out I havent had sex. ITs not that great being chaste either. Count yourself lucky to have an experienced woman.
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