A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for twenty years. We have a good relationship and he is a wonderful man and treats me well. We take good care of one another and together we share all the relationship duties : mortgage, bills, groceries, laundry, dinners, etc. However, we have not had sex, or kissing, or cuddling for more than 6 years. After twenty years, our relationship has become that of solely best friends. This would be fine except ...Six months ago I met a man I have fallen in love with. I fought it tooth and nail but it is as if it is out of my hands. We share so many interests and cannot stand to be apart from one another.Now I know what you're going to say :1. Reclaim the intimacy with your partner of twenty years.I have no desire to do so, nor does he. 2. You're not in love with the other man as it has only been six months and this is just infatuation.This is not true. I know it in my heart and physically miss him when we are apart. He feels the same as I.I want to leave my partner, but am afraid I will be leaving the "safety" of twenty years. I also do not want to hurt him, but I am doing so every day as he is not a foolish man and knows what's going on. I feel like I want to give this new relationship every chance to succeed - to nurture it and let it grow and believe it could really blossom into something wonderful.... but what if it doesn't work out? What if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life?I know I must sound selfish, but I assure you I am a good man with a big heart. I never went looking for love : it just found me. I know in my heart what I want ... I'm just uncertain and terrified to proceed.Any advice would mean the world.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 It depends on how deep is your love for the new man .
Can it over come the challenge of the unknown world ?
There is no untoward incident to force you to take this drastic step for now.
Maybe , you are not ready yet to take that decision.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 March 2008):
 I always say that when you leave one relationship it's best to fall on your own two feet and not into the arms of another. That way you are leaving your relationship for you and not someone else. If you can not bear the thought of being alone then you should stay with your current relationship.
If you can not bear to live without love and affection then you will have to take the risk and leap and hope that it all works out in the end. Don't count on someone else to make you happy. Try to be happy with yourself and then you wont be so afraid to take risks with a new relationship.
I was in your situation as well and I had a man that I flirted with but I did not plan to be with him nor did I leave my husband for him. However, he was the bridge I needed to get through the divorce. He was my "possibility in a world of unknowns, my what could be." So even if things never do work out with him, I know that there will be someone out there who will make me feel alive again like he did. It is a good feeling.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 It's quite simple: if you're sure your partner of 20 years feels the same as you - in that he doesn't want to rekindle your old relationship - then you have to talk to him and say you can't live like this, and you don't think he should either. You have to sort things out with him. And you have to say you want to be free to fall in love with someone else. I would push the perspective that it will also mean your partner can find someone else.I don't think you should just leave, and abandon a 20-year relationship/friendship. I think you should talk to him. But I wouldn't talk about the new guy - although it will probably be his first question: you've found somebody else already, haven't you? You could say you've met someone you like, but I don't think you need to go into detail - better to leave some things unsaid. You need to be with the guy you've met, I think. Life is just too bloody short not to be. But I sincerely hope that the solid foundation of 20 years with your partner will be strong enough that you're able to split up in a way that means you can still support each other as friends, but not as partners. Only you can know that. Good luck. Have courage, though - really. Change sounds to me like it will only be good, here. And even though your partner may be hurt and lost for some time, from what you've said, you know I don't think it will be that bad. I think he'll find someone else, too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Fair call to the aunt who pointed out the gay possibility. Correct on re reading.
The advice is still the same though! Apologies for missing the gay thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Why have none of you assumed that poster may be gay?
Its perfectly obvious to me! xx
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 "he is a wonderful man"
"love with the other man"
"but I assure you I am a good man"
these quotes from above are not typos, I can only assume the poster is a fake. Who else would confuse their gender so easily ?
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A
female
reader, Tine +, writes (17 March 2008):
 well first thing is first, i know it may be hard for you to do but you have to tell you wife. You shouldrespecy her enough for that. i mean you have been having an affair with someone else i think you should have the decency to let her know.
second of all if you say that you feel safe within the marriage, however you are never intimate then you need to make a decision, is it intimacy you want or is it safety. Have you any children? if so are you prepared to leave them in order to be with this other woman?
I know myself that after a few months you can fall in love, so i dont question if you are really in love or not, but do you truly love this other woman more than your own wife? if you are then, you need to make a decison and pretty soon on whether or not you should leave your wife.
surely if you are in love as much as you say with this other woman then you would try and make it work out. You cant keep running back and forth between two women, having your cake and eating it too. You need to give your wife the respect she deserves and tell her about this affair. and then you should come to a decison on what to do next.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I must admit I tended to be confused as to if you are in fact the husband, not the wife as the identity of the poster changed sexes during the text. But never mind.
Obviously this is a major decision you are facing, but never the less it is a decision which you HAVE TO MAKE. Unfortunately you have complicated the situation by involving someone else. I think you will know that most if not all of us will say you should have sorted your marriage out before you became involved with someone else. Because you haven't you have now made the situation more complicated and potentially very hurtful to others. This is where you need now to get things finalisedd in your mind and act accordingly.
You say your marriage is really over. Deal with that and put this other relationship on hold. You owe it to all concerned to leave your marriage with both you and your wife being able to start a new life without hurt and deceipt. If you ever respected your wife/husband and loved her/him, then do the right thing by her/him.
The fact that you are scared of the uncertainty of your own security is something you perhaps should have thought about long ago. So you need to face the fact that if your marriage and family life currently is over, so is the security attached to that relationship. You can't have it both ways.
This is a big decision and involves others lives as well. choose the decision which is your truth. It is now time to stop living with your head in the sand and start to be honest and truthful about who you are and what you are prepared to live with. If that means leaving your marriage with dignity, then do so. If it means exploring if the marriage has really gone or just tired, then do that and work hard. If it means you are sure this other person is something you truly believe in and not just an excuse, then put yourself in a position where it is an honest relationship.
You have already been able to make some pretty serious decisions. So far all have been something in hiding and something you have so far had control over the repercussions. Now it is time to step up and be real. If that make you vulnerable, then this may well be your repercussion. But that's life and that's all about choices we make.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): youve used your secure base as a launching pad to a new relationship. Your scared of loosing your security yet revel in you new INFATUATION. What a load of tosh, i fought it tooth and nail LOL. Do you want to go out?..NO!..Do you want to go out.....NO.
My advice would be to go with your new squeeze. Thats what you want to hear, but remember people are creatures of habit and there is a fair chance you will end up in exactly the same boat.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Change is always disconcerting. However you owe it to your partner of twenty years to be upfront and truthful. Bite the bullet and sit down and tell him as kindly as you can. Security should not be paid for by unhappiness.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 March 2008):
 You know you've made up your mind. You actually answered your own question within your question. You've been without physical intimacy for 6 years. We natually long for feelings of closeness. You are quite attracted to this other person, but it's not love yet. If it was you'd have no questioning of yourself. Love doesn't include "what if" it just is. It's so powerful there are no shades of grey.
Just remember when it comes to hurting someone. It's always better to end current relationships prior to starting a new one.
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