A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, so I'm new to online dating. I put up a profile yesterday and thus guy initiated a conversation, which then led to him giving me his number, and then we exchanged a few more messages outside of the site.He asked if I'm looking for friends or a boyfriend. I said I'm looking for a boyfriend. Then he said I seemed nice, and he's looking for a girlfriend. Then I was going out and he had to go to work all night so we said goodbye.So since then I've received a lot of emails that peopke have messaged me from the site or added me as a favourite or whatever, but I'm not sure if it's better to log in and check these guys out and reply (also to be polite) or whether it's more polite to the original guy, who I'm interested in, to see where this one goes before going back on the site. What's the normal etiquette here please? Thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): Personally I try not to have any expectations. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything, that means sex, personal information, and meeting alone. There are some unstable people out there and you have to protect yourself. Dating sites can be fun too. I have spoken to people from all over but the reality of meeting them in person is pretty rare. But if you make a nice pen pal the it's worth it. I speak from experience don't get your hopes up over one man. If I was into a particular guy I tried not to be jealous of the other women, so I would just ask him casually, "How is the site treating you?" Most of them sounded a little disappointed when I would ask. They would say the women are far away or they don't know how to keep a conversation going, or they are just boring. Sometimes that may work in your favor. Guys who compliment you too much are usually after something, most are sincere but beware.
A
male
reader, Mick Mc  +, writes (24 October 2013):
I notice it is always the men who get the bad reputation on dating sites.
Well I did them once and was as honest as can be. Unfortunately, the females I met were far from honest, on their profiles. The biggest lies I found were not divulging the true number of children they had, and another was saying they had a good job, when they never had a job.
Let`s be honest, most on dating sites would not need to be on them if they was as good as their profiles made out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Why wouldn't your online dating profile state that you are looking for a boyfriend? If there's not that option then maybe you need to change dating services.
The original guy who responded is not your boyfriend, you haven't even met him in real life yet. I would say that you can continue to screen and potentially meet other suitors until such time as you and a guy decide to be exclusive.
Just because the original guy happened to be the first to read and reply to your profile does not give him "dibs" on you. Not to mention his strange question of whether you are looking for friends or a boyfriend.
If your profile doesn't make that clear, time to make it crystal clear.
A good friend of mine met and and ultimately married his partner from an online dating site. So I don't have the same negative reaction to it.
I guess you just need to be very clear on the profile and if the guy responding asks a question like that again you can rule him out as being clueless.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I'm with Older than Dirt, and I'd advise you to stay away from online dating completely. It's lovely to read stories like that of k_c, but my experience is of meeting men like the very honest (and not surprisingly anon!) male who posted.
But that aside, the etiquette is that you can exchange messages with as many people as you wish to, bearing in mind that most conversations will lead to a dead end anyway. And no man will be exchanging messages with only you.
The etiquette when you start meeting/ dating is more confusing - don't expect that all men will date just one person at a time because many (same with women, by the way) date multiple people.
Sorry to be such a pessimist, but online dating is hard work and not for sensitive types (like me!). Good luck, hope you have a better time of it than I did and have a happy outcome like k_c.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (23 October 2013):
 In my older than dirt opinion the first rule in Online dating or even online meeting is Rule 1---Don't do it! you have no idea who that person is typing those nice words to you but you can be sure that person is probably someone you really don't want to be around. There are way more horror stories out there than stories of and they lived happily ever after.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 October 2013):
 There is no harm in messaging these other men back - after all you dont know if you will ever hear from the first guy again. I know that sounds harsh but as AuntyEm said, there are some people that browse the new users lists, message all the attractive ones and see who replies. They take their pick from the best of the ones who do reply.
So dont pin all your hopes on a guy who you have not met in person yet, you dont owe him anything and there are no guarantees it will work out with him. Reply to any men you like that have messaged you, it is pretty normal with online dating to be 'chatting' to multiple people at the same time until you actually start dating them in person in real life. 99% of the men you speak to will be speaking to other women, so dont allow yourself to get too attached to one man when chances are he is dating other women.
Dont allow yourself to only be interested in 'one' man until you have started dating them in person - the men you meet on dating sites will be dating more than one woman so you will get your hopes up if you attach yourself quickly to one man.
This is what happens with dating sites - you have to be a bit thick skinned and dont fall too fast for anyone until you are sure they are really into you as well. But dating sites can be great, I met my fiance online and we are getting married next year : ) I just had to kiss a lot of frogs I met on that dating site before I met my prince!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): As a dating site offender, I will warn you to not take anything too serious. I have had a very successful and active sex life through dating sites.
I simply tell them everything they want to hear and let it take it`s course. I know women online want to hear how beautiful they are, and it`s very easy to say it. Just as easy as it is to tell them I am developing feelings.
Beware.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Thanks Aunty Em
It's the OP here. Great advice. So, I did log in again, only to find he had deleted our entire conversation!! Feel like an idiot for having spent an entire day 'talking' to him, but slightly better informed now, anyway.
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Beware of men who jump on you immediately when you join online dating. They sit and click on new users and will chat them all up and take their pick.
Take your time, read profiles and exchange as much e-mails as you feel necessary. Do not take anyones number right off the bat (these guys usually get you to call them so they dont have to pay for the call)
There will be a lot of guys on there who are trawling for sex so don't fall immediately for all the sweet talk and don't feel pushed into intimacy unless you are really sure it's what you want.
Nice guys won't harrass you or diss you for speaking to other men so soon after joining and if anyone does get too possessive before they have even met you, it's a sure fire sign that they are possesive and jealous in real life.
Also do not fall for any sob stories about men who need money because there are a lot of people both men and women who use dating sites to rinse unsuspecting people of their cash.
Take your time, date people who are close to you (within a 20 mile radius) so if you do hit it off, you can see them regularly.
Enjoy the dates but always meet in public for the first few dates and don't go back to somoenes place or have them to yours until you know them a bit better.
I hate to paint a gloomy picture but if you know all the pitfalls, you can avoid them and have more of a chance of meeting someone genuine...
So get on there and start going through those e-mails and see who is out there...Good luck xx
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