A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is my story, im a 36M with no kids and she is a 37F with 2 kids.We've meet 1 and half year ago and immediately *clicked*.We've spent hours daily at the phone speaking of everything and nothing.Lack of sleep or 3 to 4 hours sleep tops became normal in my life and hers because of those long talks.When we meet i was a rack, the term i like to use is that i was walking waiting to fall, i was recovering from a nasty post divorce and when ive meet her, without knowing, i regain feelings long forgotten.She didn't, and seems that she doesn't, want a serious relationship and in the beginning that worked just fine. We've became best friends and in a short time friends with benefits.In January she ended the sex relationship but the friendship we had gowned allot. We were already best friends and become something i cant explain. It was normal to sleep with her, just to sleep and cuddle, we were a couple without a the sex.In April we got to a point that we would get back together again in a serious relationship or we had to go separate ways. We couldn't be apart for a day, hell, we couldn't be apart for an hour without a text message or a phone call.Until April we had several and very long serious talks and she honestly and strongly believes that i need to have a kid of my own and that i would meet the women i deserve.So in April what does she do so that we would go separate ways? She goes to bed with another guy. That point was the turning point to both of us. She started to act strange, cold, disconnected, angry. I didn't knew what happened but i had a feeling what it was, i could sense her pain. Eventually, in May, she opened up and told me what she did and i said goodbye to her, to everything even friendship, she told me that she had done has a test to herself, that she could be with someone else. We weren't in a relationship like the books say but we were in one, i felt betrayed in everything. Even more when she told me that when she was with that guy she could only think of me and even called him my name.That day i felt destroyed, i had written allot of text and poems on those months that ive never had given her, that day ive sent her those texts with a final goodbye.3 hours later she was at my front door waiting for me to talk. She didn't want to loose the friendship we had and didn't want that i would loose myself again.She was trying to show up strong, i broke that wall easily, that day ended with her in my arms saying that she loved me and she was hurting, she felt like a part of her died and that she would never do that shit again.We started off that day, ive never saw her so happy, that pure joy and happiness lasted 3 days.She has allot of issues to solve, i do also, we all have. After those 3 days she became sad, depressed and started to push me away but not letting me go.I sense that after the beginning of the relationship she cant open up with me and she doesn't believe me when i say i can be the best friend separate from the boyfriend. even if the problem is me.In June, after the ups and downs of pushing me away and pushing me back we finally said enough is enough we weren't working and we wanted to save the friendship. I never ended a relationship before even if i wanted, ive always made the other person to end. This time i finished, and to make things worse i finish loving her, i truly do. We said goodbye to one another with her crying saying that she was making a sacrifice, that she loves me but i need to have my life, my kids, etc... We kissed like in the beginning and i turned my back.I waited some minutes at her door to see if she would called me back, she didn't. So i thought all was over.I gave her and me space to heal. The space i didn't gave her when we were together, i thought it wasn't needed because of the friendship we had. The pain was enormous. Couple of days later i needed to talk to her, we had little issues to solve. After we hang up she texts me saying that she liked hearing my voice, i replied the same and remained silent after that. This was a Monday.Wednesday i went to dinner with some cousins, truly best friends, more than brothers. When i opened up to them about what was happening they said... wake up, she loves you, don't give up. It was almost midnight i couldn't do a thing.Went home and turned my computer up, i need to write something, the mail notification was up, she sent me an email, when i read it i felt truly sad and desesperate, she said that she knew she couldn't love anyone, and when she loved me she knew it would hurt her allot, she felt like dying and she didn't want to talk to me no more, not even seeing me, she preferred that i saw her like an enemy, that way it would be easier to both. I replied that i wouldn't give up on her, never, and that i needed those last days to regain my energy and purpose.Next morning i was at her doorstep, i knew she wouldn't like to see me but i went their just to say i was there, i wouldn't give up.Later that week, on Sunday, it was her little boy birthday, i text her to organize his gift and to know what time i could show up at the party. By the way both her kids, love me and i love them.She replied, always cold and distant but agreed on me showing up.The party went fine but i need to show some distance to protect myself and her.Monday she calls me to a coffee and talk, she started to say that she didn't like to see me like i was on Sunday, she was seeing the same guy she meet a year ago. I replied i couldn't be another way, i wouldn't be at her house with her family all sad and cold, i needed to disguise my pain to socialize with others and her kid needed to see me happy with him.Eventually she broke my wall and we spent the night together.We have a strange connection, sometimes i can sense her and its mutual, the feeling, the love feeling exists from both parts and its not an issueA week goes by, we saw each other almost everyday at the end of the day, we kiss and that's it, we almost don't text and don't talk during the day, i fell her distance and coldness, im giving her space but at the same time i don't know what to do. I know what i want but i also know that we both need time and space to heal up the wounds of the last months, what i was not counting is the distance, the absence of caring. That is confusing me. I cant push her to talk because more pressure is repeating the cycle we lived. Im not afraid of loosing her, im afraid of not living what i could with her.She says that she loves me, truly does, but at the same time she doesn't want to be with me always, i know why. I was too clingy and easy. Looking back my relationships they were always clingy from the girl side, this time it was me. She doesn't like pressure, when i was only her friend i could talk to her to make her barriers come down, now i cant has a boyfriend, now its pressure, i need to let her be and that hurts me. I don't want her to suffer and i see her suffering, i can honestly separate friendship from relationship, i don't feel she can or that she doesn't trust me enough for that. She also says sometimes it gets boring, hell, of course it does, we almost have no time together, when we have because of professional issues from both sides we are too tired of dealing with costumers all day, or we are not in the mood or its to late to make anything different so what we do, coffee at her house. When i try to arrange something different she never can or doesn't want to. I can honestly see that shes waiting to something to happen, dunno what, maybe i letting go for good maybe wanting on her to pass the sadness or to see if i can take it, dunno. We are different now, completely and that adaption is hurting and i cant talk to her about it. I had a serious talk we her 13 year old daughter, after i explained without details, what was happening in the last couple of weeks i asked her if she wanted me to continue fighting for her mother, for her and his brother, "YES, dont give up on mom, on us", "Why?", "Because i know what mom feels and what you feel and i love you too, i wished my father was more like you, caring and confident on us". I know anyone would love this answer but at the same time it hurts and allot.When she knew me and her mom where together she waited for me before going to bed just to call me daddy, not in the dad sense but in the happy way.The 4 year old soon is to attached to the mom and could be a problem to the relationship, i kissed her in front of her son with him on my lap and asked him after, "Do you like when i kiss mommy? Do you like that im her boyfriend" the answer was a big hug a kiss and a simple but true "yes".Everyone that knows us, people we trust, when they know we are together all say "finally", you are meant to one another.She disguises the relationship in public, to the world we, as couple don't exist.Now my part what whats happening to me psychically, i was trying to loose some weight in the last year and i did... 64 pounds i wanted to loose 40. The emotional part of my life breaks me and its showing.In this last week, on Sunday, we arranged a barbecue to the kids and us, all went well, the kids on the end of the day went to spend the week with their father, i convinced my girlfriend to go out, she was not counting on that. I took her to dinner and a disco after. We spent the night together but just slept, both of us were to tired to with a little to much alcohol to try anything.On Monday she shows up at my doorstep to sleep over, she was happy and wanted me. For the first time that ive meet her on the other day when she woke up she was still in a happy mood.Ive continued giving her space when i got a phone call from her. She wanted a kiss, just that, by phone. I wasn't counting on that and a let my barrier down, i felt really happy, that was a big step to her and us. After that phone call, hour by hour ive sensed her getting sad and distant again.Wednesday was strange, she would text me, with something and ending like "honey" or "my love" and in the next text all distant, by the end of the day the distance was up again.Today, Thursday, im going out with her, to a medieval festival, we've talked but the distant is there, im not counting on anything but i fell the pressure of once again the break up. She already told me because of a dream i had that the girl i saw on the dream was my next girl. I hate when she does that, i cant think of getting another girl, i love her, dont get my wrong, i like to see beatifull women but thats it i love her and hurts me when she talks about my future like its going to happen for sure.So now, my best friend is my girlfriend, and i don't have both. Is not clingy but i used to talk about anything and everything, she would to. Now i fell that she doesn't want to talk to me, she wants a friend but not me, she doesn't talk about anything and when we talk the pressure of making small talk is enormous because i don't fell okay of saying whats on my mind. I fell that she loves me but she always trying to create distance, she loves me but doesn't want to be dependent of the relationship, ive already stated that a relationship is not 1+1 = 1 but 1+1 = 2 with some change has i honestly believe when 2 people love each other and the relationship is great the love/joy/light would spread to the people around us.Where i live i dont know anyone, all my friends are away in another city.I know also that she wants me to walk my path in this live and doesnt want me to hang on to her, ive already told her that my life objectives dont change just the time and moment to make them.Why cant i have both? BestFriend and GirlFriend is not asking much, where we going if this keeps up we will eventually say goodbye and the friendship will never be the same again, it would be impossible. Im not going to give up but if this continues im going to get hurl allot.Im sorry for my English, i know some words and sentences aren't the best, but i don't write in English in more than 15 years.Thank you all for your attention.
View related questions:
best friend, cousin, depressed, divorce, friend with benefits, get back together, has a boyfriend, I love you, in the mood, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (4 September 2013):
It's time to move on. You don't need her friendship, you don't need her kids. What you want is something she's not willing to give you. I'd say one last goodbye to her and the kids then go no contact. That's the only good way to do it...
I was with a girl who I loved very much and she had a two year old boy who I became close to. We wanted different things (she wanted marriage, I didn't) and it eventually drove us apart.
At first I thought I'd have a very hard time because not only was it her and I, but her child as well. But I started to identify the issues the relationship had, mostly a lack of compatibility not love, and decided I'd move on and try to find someone better.
Well, she begged for me to come back (she broke up with me) but I decided that she wouldn't have broke up with me if she didn't mean it. Eventually I decided to go no contact and things were smooth from there on.
The two of you were never, NEVER, right for each other. You need to recognize that and be happy for a chance to meet the right person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast month update.
Ups and downs again but with a huge difference. I've noticed some huge steps forward on her side but at the same time the absence and pain grow on her. If she tells me something like "I Love you" today then tomorrow and next days she would not pick up the phone or get some excuse not to meet me. This kept on going until 3 weeks ago.
3 weeks ago she needed some really time off of everything, after a couple of great days away from everyone we had she went on a camping trip 500 miles away.
the day before of her trip, i stop any type of text or contact, those where the terms.
6 hours drive on a Thursday and the first thing she does is sending me a photo of the camp site and saying i would love to be there.
She arrived on a Thursday and should return on the next Sunday, Thursday goes by with her sending constant photos and ending with "i miss you" and that "i should be there with her"
Friday, the photos and texts continues and ending with "i really love you, now i know but i needed this time to figure it out" and "next year we come the 4 of us, you, me and the kids, only us"... on that day all my barriers shacked.
Saturday the text and photos continue but i noticed some coldness on her... all afternoon was complete absence from her side, she already had tell me that she was having trouble charging her phone.
I went out with some friends to have a drink when i receive a call from her. She tells me that finally she charged her phone and asked me what i was doing.
30m later she shows up and in front of everybody she hugs me and kisses me. She started to show affection on words and body language on front of everybody and my barrier went down.
That night was the last night ive spent with her... "i needed to be with you" was the first thing she said to me that night.
Couple of days later she started getting excuses that her life was too complicated, her family, job, kids and i should find someone else and worst she started to use the kids saying that she doesnt like the way i treat them because they are not mine. To that i replied "So if they are your kids and we are building a life together, instead of letting me trying the best for them, you has a mother should tell me want you want to them, so that we are in sync instead of letting me guess what you want and what they need"
I don't even ear her voice in more than a week now... some stuff happened but nothing major, not with me, she went sick and at the same time something more happened, dunno what, but she needed her space and for the first time i stopped asking whats was happening, i did what she always told me to do, even against my gut instinct, i would only say good morning or have a nice and enlightened day.
Yesterday the bomb goes off, she texts me asking me if i knew what was happening to us... my reply was simple "i prefer not to let my mind drift way, because if i do that then i wasnt going to be here no more"
She ended the relationship with sentences like...
"It was all to perfect around her and that i tried to hard", yeap true, why shouldnt i ?!?, would it be better to make to her life harder when she was down?? would it be better to not think of her and her kids when i felt attacked with her words and attitudes.
"i tried to hard to know her tastes to make conversation and make her love me more", doh, why shouldnt i be interested on her interests?? shouldnt the same happened?? and it was not to make her love me more it was to let her know that her life is important to me also.
"she loves me less then i love her...", she has kids. who im i to be at the same level of her kids?! or higher?!? if i even had i glimpse of that i would have told her to get some help some real one.
"you hide yourself from me", yes i did, if i didn't hide myself after all the things she did, and every time went a little further and deeper, with her making plans for us 4 when she noticed that i was with my barriers up or saying that she loves me, etc... if i didn't hide myself i would scream at least to see if she would wake up from this cycle of the hurting her and me on this process.
What you did to me, to us, to you, even with the best intentions and even without you consciously knowing hurted me allot, you and the relationship", The intention and what i did blowned my mind away... still trying to figure that one out.
"that i shouldn't tell her stuff like "good morning honey or dear or beautiful" because of whats was happening", replied that i don't mix feelings with life situations, a clear conscience wouldn't make me treat her any other way.
"that all the talk of "us" stops if i want to keep the friendship", now this one hurts and maybe is my hurt feelings talking but i sense that since July, hell since the end of May, i don't have a friend no more, a true one or the one i get to know a year ago. Today even with pain and the consciousness of it i dont want the friendship i have... its not an honest one, the last months some old friends she had started to show up again and i started to fell like a 2nd choice... better a no choice. Not saying this in pain but some moments i went through makes me think like it.
and the biggest one and for this the pain was enormous... "you are without noticing and with no intention a real bad influence on my little boy"... to this i can only say a word "pain" and allot of it.
I don't use the word give up in more than a year, but i use the let go and the enough....
I've made this update to let people know the story, so if someone else is living something like this to have an example to help.
Yesterday a really good girl friend of mine since childhood shows up, she lives in a foreign country and i didn't saw her for 2 years. She immediately started to cry when she saw me, that i looked better but i was not the same, i wasn't myself. I explained what was happening and she told me a simple sentence. "Do you realize that you always talk about her kids instead of you or her, that the problem isn't her or you but the hurt and pain this situation is causing to them?? why don't you start living your life not the one someone else has".... bingo
My friends i can only say one thing
"Trust your gut" even if you fail "Trust your gut" because the gut is the real you the mind will always try to get excuses... your gut will fail some times but it will hurt less because when your mind fails you start to doubt yourself.
I believe in love not in a pink world but in love, and if things are meant to happen they will
I believe that things need fixing when they are broken but some broken components don't have spare parts to you to find them, someone else will or not, but don't die trying to find them, learn to let go.
Looking back i can honestly say some things...
For me to this relationship to work, for my part, i needed one thing, true trust and not absence, im not talking of attachment im talking of presence, i need presence because if i dont have it i start to hide myself.
My joy in life comes from my family and the people i choose to make part of it. Im not saying that i forget my needs im saying that i sense that my purpose is family, is what makes me tick.
The other thing is shes right on one big detail...
my life stopped because of her, or better saying went to a parking lot waiting for the next moment to start driving again, she knows i wanted kids and she cant give me them, i realize now that the relationship eventually would turn out this way because she will always be like she is and in the near future i would start to become sad and hurt to the point i couldn't get more strength to keep going because of all the pain involved on this push back push away situation.
Don't try, really don't try, to hang on when things change, let go if changes happen its for a purpose, in the right moment all changes eventually will make sense even if it hurts now it will hurt less now then in a future. I'm not saying when problems arise to let them happen, but the difference of a problem to fix and the change that you don't like is a big difference. Problems are one thing Changes are another.
Thank you all for the support and answer in a time of need, you all gave me strength to go on this last months. The goal i had to make a good life with her and her kids, now, today is no more. Its hard to say it because of the emotions involved but its honest, i ask to have the strength to really let go and move on. We still have a face to face talk to make but today that talk will drive to nowhere, the thing i want of that future talk is a direct answer of some of the things she told me so that my mind eases, even if it hurts for me it will hurt less if i know.
I don't now what the future holds for me and her, but i know today that what i felt since the end of May was true... that i should had let her go.
From the bottom of my heart i know i love her and her kids, and i wish her and her kids all the happiness in the world. I thank the universe that she helped me when i needed the most. The only "regret" i keep is mine not hers, is the sense that i shouldn't even tried that hard when changing happened in the first place, that trying hard just prolonged a state of pain for me and her and i hope i learned the mistake i did.
Now I've start my walk again, don't know what the future holds but now i need to heal and move on.
Once again thank you all for the support.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you all for the quick reply's and the outside of the box view i needed to get things straight in my mind. All of your answers helped me allot.
Just some more info, she cant have more kids because of health issues.
I have my own life and goals and i can separate them but i need to focus on what is more important and right now is to make my girlfriend better. Yes, it would hurt if the relationship ended but it would hurt allot more if i knew i couldn't or wouldn't help her in anyway i could. Remember, for me shes my best friend and family, also the women i love i cant give up just because it would not hurt as much, that's just been mean and selfish. Please remember that both sides feelings are not an issue.
My goals are all in motion, i know what i want to do and what makes me happy.
Yesterday it was an amazing day, it really was, now im giving her some breathing room, some space. The feedback im getting is better then other times.
The professional help some mentioned it would help and she is already getting it. But its hard work and takes time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): Ola amigo,One can tell you feel a lot, you're sensitive and you care deeply...to your detriment.Indeed you bonded, clicked and have a lot in common, however for whatever reasons, she is not ready to commit.You're both very passionate, all or nothing, and have an all consuming relationship, hence the permanent contact and late night chats. Some relationships are like that, and can be sustained, others not for practical reasons and survival.Your statement "she didn't, and she doesn't, want a serious relationship" - that is the crux of your problems! That is what needs to be addressed: why does she not want a serious relationship? Is it because she was very hurt previously? Was she married before when she had the two children? What was the marriage or previous relationships like? If that is where the problems stem from, then step 1: she needs counselling. She needs professional help to get over the past, to heal from the hurts, to get over her fears, before she can commit and be in a serious relationship again. Otherwise she will continue with this hurtful behaviour towards you, and herself, because it's very obvious she does love you, she does want you, but she herself can't or won't accept it. She is too scared. She even did the unthinkable and slept with someone else, and tried to be with someone else to see if she could "cure" herself from her "addiction" to you. It didn't work, and she was back. Every time you both get very close and intimate, she wants to run away. Yet every time you both part ways, she is back at your door. She wants the relationship, but she is too scared to assume it. She needs help. Otherwise she will ruin you (your health and weight loss are already signs of it) and hurt herself in the process, including her lovely children who have accepted you and love you too.It's very clear you are a "family" yet sadly, she can't commit. Encourage her to get professional help, that there is no shame in it, on the contrary - it's lose the best thing that ever happened to her (you) or save it. I would then also encourage you to look after yourself: get balance in your life, don't only have her in your life, and when she is gone, temporarily or permanent, you are then heartbroken and dead to the world. Instead, aside for your career, pursue some other interests too. Your interests, hobbies, sport, anything that motivates you and that you enjoy. While doing it, you can make some new friends seeing as your real friends are far away. It will also add a new element to your relationship, you will appear even more interesting, and she can have some space and miss you when you're busy. I'm not saying do it for those reasons, instead, it's for your own good, so that you have a life, whether she is in it or not. The hobbies, interests or sports will also help clear your mind, and channel the frustrations and feelings into something healthy for yourself.You can't continue living your life based on her whims, her moods, her behaviour. Spending the night today, being cold in texts the next day - who can survive and live like that? Your heart will be broken little by little, and you deserve so much more than that! Can she still have more children? She is trying to push you away so you can have your "own" children with someone else, but she is forgetting you already love her children and are accepted by them too. You may or may not want more, but it's not for her to push you away for that?You are both very close in ages, so it's not like she is 60 and "wants you to walk your own path in life" instead, you have chosen HER, and you want HER, and that IS your choice in life and how you want to walk your path, come what may...For your own sanity and well being, I would suggest at your next opportunity, have a heart to heart where you share everything you think and feel, (as you have done in the past) but this time say it can't go on like this, yet you do not want to lose her and what you both have, which is a blessing and not many people ever find or experience it in a lifetime. Assure her SHE is the one you want, FOREVER (as I'm sure if she heard promises and vows in the past it's just words to her) and tell her through your actions - that you have been, are, and will always be there for her! Tell her you have made your choice, you want her, and ascertain what are her reasons for not wanting the serious relationship which the world must know about? If her reasons seem valid, work through them. If what she says is impossible, there is no fix, she does not and will never want to assume the relationship, then you will need to walk away. However, if you can see it's to do with the past, her fears, her insecurities, her hurt, then encourage her to seek help, even suggesting to go together if need be, so that neither of you lose the best thing that's ever happened to you... even the people you both know say "finally" as you belong together.No need to apologise, your English was very clear and we understood the situation, and can tell you are both very special people in need of HELP ;-) I wish you all the best in this situation, and hopefully one day you can look back on this time and smile, and realise how much growth has taken place, and that you're in a much happier place, both of you, together :)Votos de tudo do melhor, de uma amiga Portuguesa que gosta de ajudar pessoas neste site. Beijinhos.Good Luck!G's Girl
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (2 August 2013):
 This is very toxic n dramatic. She is def playing the male role. N if she sleeps with another guy she doesnt respect you. Same with the back n forth behavior. I think she lacks a serious amount of self esteem a basic thing any woman should have. I think its best you let go.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 August 2013):
Some people are very complicated... we think we understand them (or should be able to), but they have experiences that we just can't relate to.
For whatever reason, your girl is one of those people. She wants you when you walk away. She pushes you away when she cares about you, etc.
The best thing for you would be the hardest thing: walk away. Find someone who can give you what you want. If you don't, you're in for more of the same with her. You may think she's special, but there are many special women out there just waiting for a guy like you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): Firstly what LONG question! I had to skim read towards the end.So this is the situation your in you was friends then turned into intbetween sort of like flirtationship cause it was establish you was a couple. You say your together now as boyfriend and girlfriend. To me it seems like this woman is indesicive she does not know what she wants and she keeps you hanging because she can and because she knows you will stay.She feels guilty hence why she says you deserve someone else or your own kid. But has she ever considered having a kid with you? or making some form of commitment sorry to be harsh but its the truth she slept with this next guy and goes back to him back fourth you two are both getting played by her. She may care for you that is why she knows she is hurting she no longer wants too that why she is trying to move on let you go but she can not cause just like you want that best friends, I guess she misses that too!you need to be a MAN cause right now she is calling the shots and acting like a male does. You need to stop back and fourth wasting your life away you love the kids shes comfortable with that. You need to tell her you will be friends and back off only then will she realise cause what you deeply want is commitment and consideration which she is not giving you instead she is playing games.Goodluck.
...............................
|
